Tips From a Therapist

Some Thoughts on Regret

Regret weighs us down like an anchor, holding us stuck in the past instead of living fully in the present. Clinging to past mistakes and choices we wish we could change saps our energy and robs us of peace. It's like continuing to water a dead plant long after it has withered - it’s as useless as the emotion of regret.

The truth is, we can't change what has already happened, but we can change how we relate to it. Rather than dragging those heavy regrets with us everywhere, we need to let them go through the powerful practice of forgiveness. First, we must forgive ourselves. We must remember that we are human, and we do the best we can based on the information we have at that time. It can also be incredibly healing to forgive others, whether actively or within your own mind.

When we stop beating ourselves up over past regrets, we lighten our load tremendously. All that energy we were wasting on self-judgment gets freed up to nurture our growth and wellbeing in this present moment. Being fully rooted in the here-and-now allows us to take responsibility, make empowered choices, and create the future we want to experience.

Regrets are inevitable, but they need not define us nor drain our vitality any longer. Let them go, forgive yourself and others, and bring your wise and loving heart fully into the present. You'll be amazed by how much lighter you feel.

Strategies for Expanding Your Boundaries, or, How to Get out of Your Comfort Zone

Our comfort zones can feel safe and familiar, but they may also limit our growth and potential. Stepping outside of your comfort zone is challenging, but it’s important for personal development and achieving your goals. Here are some tips to help:
1- Try new activities. Whether it's taking a class, traveling to a new country, or learning a new skill. Trying something new can expand your boundaries. Embrace the discomfort and focus on the excitement of the new experience.It doesn’t matter if you succeed at the new activity of if you even like it. It’s pushing yourself to try it that will make all the difference.

2- Face your fears. What are you afraid of? Public speaking, networking, or asking for a raise? Identify your fears and gradually work on overcoming them. Start small, take baby steps and make small goals for yourself to build up your confidence.

3- Seek out challenges. Look for opportunities that will stretch your abilities, such as taking on a new project at work or participating in a competitive event. Challenging yourself will help you grow and develop new skills.

4- Embrace failure. Stepping out of your comfort zone often means risking failure. Reframe failure as an opportunity to learn and improve and give yourself a pat on the back for your efforts, even if the outcome isn't what you hoped for.

Laughter Truly is Good Medicine

We've all heard the saying "laughter is the best medicine," but it turns out this old adage rings true. Scientific research has shown that laughing provides numerous benefits for our mental and physical well-being. From boosting our mood to strengthening our immune system, a good laugh can be a powerful tonic.

When we laugh, it triggers the release of endorphins, the body's natural feel-good chemicals. This leads to a euphoric sensation that can alleviate stress, anxiety, and even mild depression. Laughter also increases oxygen intake, stimulating the heart, lungs, and muscles. Over time, regular laughter can improve respiratory health and immune function.

But beyond the physiological effects, laughter cultivates a sunnier outlook on life. Finding reasons to laugh, even at life's little quirks and absurdities, fosters a more joyful and resilient mindset. It enables us to take things a bit less seriously and maintain perspective through life's ups and downs.

So this week, make a conscious effort to invite more laughter into your daily routine. Watch a comedy that never fails to crack you up. Reminisce with friends about hilarious memories. Or simply take a moment to appreciate the amusing idiosyncrasies all around you – a pet's goofy sleeping position, someone’s funny face, or the unexpected answer to a question. Actively seeking out life's funny moments can infuse your days with much-needed lightness and levity.

I am finally writing my blogs again for Psychology Today as one of their Experts on Anxiety. Here's an excerpt from the latest post.

Harnessing the Power of Hypnosis to Manage Anxiety

For those who struggle with anxiety, finding effective coping techniques can be life-changing. While therapies like cognitive behavioral therapy are widely used, for many, traditional treatment methods like therapy and medication aren’t enough to fully alleviate their symptoms. If you're looking for an additional tool to manage your anxiety, clinical hypnotherapy, and subsequent self hypnosis, is worth considering.

Hypnosis utilizes the power of relaxed and focused attention to help people change negative thought patterns and behaviors associated with anxiety. Despite some misconceptions, when you are under hypnosis you do not lose control over your behavior. You always have the power to accept or reject the therapists’ suggetions. Rather, you are guided by a certified hypnotherapist to enter a deeply relaxed and focused mental state. You can continue this practice on your own after learning the technique.

Research shows hypnosis can be an effective treatment for several anxiety-related conditions including generalized anxiety disorder, social anxiety, PTSD, and specific phobias. Here are some of the ways hypnotherapy aims to relieve anxiety:

Deep breathing and relaxation techniques learned during hypnosis can reverse your body's stress response.
Positive suggestions and guided imagery can reprogram negative thought patterns that fuel anxious thoughts.
You can gain better control over fears and avoidance behaviors related to your anxiety triggers.
Past traumas underlying anxiety can be reprocessed and desensitized through hypnotherapy.

So if you struggle with anxiety, look into hypnosis. Make sure you find a qualified provider. Hypnosis should only be conducted by a certified professional with proper training. Look for therapists who have completed courses through organizations like the American Society of Clinical Hypnosis or the National Guild of Hypnotists. Many psychologists, social workers and counselors incorporate hypnosis into their practices.

For the complete article, please see https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/life-without-anxiety/202403/unleashing-the-power-of-hypnosis-to-overcome-anxiety

Breathe your way to calmness.

The act of breathing does much more than keep us alive. And the type of breathing we do fulfills different functions.

For focus, mental clarity, calming down and grounding, try this:

Stop what you’re doing. You can sit, stand, close your eyes or keep them open. It doesn’t matter.

Take a nice, deep, long, slow breath. Breathe in deeply enough to feel your belly expand and to fill your heart and lungs.

And then slowly, ever so slowly, blow the air out through your mouth. Try to exhale even more than you just inhaled.

Stay still for a second or two.

Do you notice a sense of calmness, relaxation, focus, clarity? That’s because breathing engages the parasympathetic nervous system which awakens the relaxation response. Filling your body with oxygen in a mindful way allows our muscles to relax and our mind to focus. And the nice thing is: it doesn’t take longer than about 10 seconds, no one has to know what you’re doing, you can do it anytime and anywhere, and it will restart your thought process.

Have a peaceful day.

As I sit here trying to motivate myself to add another chapter to my book, I find myself being pulled to do anything but writing the chapter. Even dusting looks better. So, what better way to procrastinate than to write an article on procrastination?

Distractions are limitless and all around us. Facebook, Instagram, phone alerts, and hundreds of streaming channels to name just a few. Everywhere we turn these days, there’s a rabbit hole waiting for us to go down and get lost into for hours at a time. We may promise ourself that we’ll just spend 10 minutes down the hole, but, before we know it, hours have passed.

If you’re trying to avoid completing a task, what better way to do it than with a fun and interesting distraction? But sometimes, we use distractions intentionally to actively avoid completing tasks. We look for a pleasant distraction rather than doing an unpleasant job.

Here are some helpful strategies to help you to stop procrastinating.

Strategies to Overcome Procrastination

Although using self-talk to overcome procrastination can be very useful, taking action to stop putting off important tasks is what really needs to happen.

Define what needs to be done
The first practical step to overcoming procrastination is being very clear about what needs to be done. What is the task at hand? Being clear about what you need to do will bring you one step closer to doing it.

Sometimes, after you define exactly what the task is, it’s helpful to break it down into smaller tasks, steps that will need to be taken in order to complete the whole project. This will also make it seem more manageable. If you want to paint the interior of your house, it will seem much less daunting to break it down into painting one room at a time.

What information or tools will you need to complete the task?
Make a list of any information you will need to have in order to do what needs to be done. Additionally, gather any tools you will need.

Prioritize the smaller tasks to figure out which needs to be done first, second, and so on. This will help you to know where to start. If possible, complete a small task first as this may motivate you to just get it done and, maybe even to move on to the next task.

Keep time
For some of us it’s not only important to break a large task down into many smaller ones, but, it also helps to set a time limit for yourself as to how long you’re going to work at one sitting. Stick to the time limit rather than extending it even if you feel you can. If you know in the back of your mind you’re going to expect yourself to extend the time limit, it will make it harder to begin. Whereas, if you know you only need to do 30 minutes and that is it, regardless of whether you feel like doing more, you may be more willing to get going.

Just 5 minutes
You may need to start with a small time period. Even 5 minutes is OK because if that is what will help you get started it’s worth stopping after 5 minutes. Most of us feel anything is tolerable to do for just 5 minutes,

Pick a Place
It is also important to choose the right place to attempt a task. Try to be aware of in what types of environments you get more done, and what types of environments have distractions that make you more likely to procrastinate. For example, trying to get a task done while there are lots of people around, means there is the potential for social distractions, which isn’t going to help you get going. Therefore, you may need to isolate yourself for a set period of time in order to get work done.

Visualize doing the tasks
Another way to approach your tasks or goals is to first visualize doing them. If you are good with imagery, bring to mind a very vivid and real picture of doing the task. Try to use all your senses to make the image as real as possible. In this image notice any obstacles coming up that get in the way of the task, and visualize yourself successfully overcoming those obstacles and following through with the task to completion. In the visualization focus particularly on the good feeling you have when the task is complete.

Help Yourself Focus
If you feel like distractions may come too easily, take a moment to close your eyes and focus on your breath. Just breathe normally and notice each inhalation and each exhalation. Slow your breath down to smooth, slow and steady breathing. Take in normal and comfortable amounts of air, and try to allow yourself to breathe from deep in the lungs and belly, rather than shallow in your chest. Just focus on the breath. It may even be helpful to count your breath to yourself to keep your mind from wandering. Spend 5-10 minutes using your breath to settle and focus, and then return to the task. Anytime you notice yourself becoming distracted and your mind wandering, again just focus on a couple of slow, deep breaths. Just observe the mind, rather than being irritated by it. Let go of the feeling to become distracted by imagining each exhalation as carrying that feeling of being unfocused away from the body, as the breath leaves the body.

Reward Yourself
A really important part of approaching tasks and goals in a productive way is to actually plan rewards and ‘play time’. Often the things we could use to reward ourselves (e.g., pleasure, socializing), are the very same things that distract us and get us procrastinating in the first place, and hence make us feel guilty. But, there is a difference between these activities interfering and distracting us from what needs to be done, and instead using them to reward ourselves after something has been achieved or as a well earned break from a task. The more you plan regular rewards for your achievements, the less you will feel like you are missing out or being deprived of something, and hence the less likely it is that you will procrastinate. The key is to let these rewards be guilt-free, by having preplanned them and fitted them around the work that needs to be done. People will often think “I don’t have time” or “I don’t deserve rewards or fun”. But think of it this way, the things you don’t like doing tend to zap some of your energy, whereas rewards, leisure and pleasure help replenish you energy, allowing you to do better quality work in the long run. It is all about a balance between pleasure and achievement. When you are a procrastinator the balance is out, in that there is more pleasure (often guilty pleasure) and little achievement. The aim with overcoming procrastination is not for it to be all about achievement pleasure, as that doesn’t lead to a good life. Instead, finding the balance between pleasure and achievement is the key to being a ‘doer’, rather than a ‘procrastinator’.

Good luck! I’ll see you at the finish line.

The Holidays are Over, Why Am I So Blue?

The holidays are over and many people are telling me they’re feeling blue, even depressed. Unfortunately, this is not uncommon. Post-holiday blues are a common occurrence. Here are some of the reasons why:

1- Our schedules change, often going from being filled with social events in Dec. to being nearly empty in Jan.
2- Scheduling changes mean we go from being with people to being alone more often.
3- Fatigue can set in because of travel, lack of sleep, and busy schedules during the holidays.
4- Some of us may feel disappointment because the holidays weren’t what we had hoped they would be.
5- If you took time off during the holidays returning to work may have meant having to make up for time off.

The good news is that post-holiday blues are often temporary and short-lived. Please read my full article on this subject on the Psychology Today website to find out what you can do to help yourself out of the blues. The article can be found at: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/life-without-anxiety/201401/the-holidays-are-over-why-am-i-so-blue

Anger triggers the body’s ‘fight/flight’ response. That causes the adrenal glands to fill the body with adrenaline and cortisol. These stress hormones get our muscles and mind ready to run or fight. If there is nothing from which to run or nothing to fight, the excess energy will cause the heart rate to increase, and rate of respiration and blood pressure to rise. When we in fact need to run or fight, these reactions are useful to us. If we don’t utilize the stress hormones for self protection, they will become harmful to the body.

Is it any wonder Gautama Buddha said, “Anger is the punishment we give ourselves for someone else's mistake.”?

As posted by Power of Positivity. Such a true statement.

Caterpillars Transform into Butterflies

This is the time of year when we start to see caterpillars. It’s hard to imagine, but, that caterpillar you see on the ground will completely transform itself into a beautiful butterfly one day. In order to become a butterfly, the caterpillar must first stop eating and then digest itself. Not an easy or pretty process, but one that has a beautiful outcome!

If you happen to be going through a painful or difficult time right now, take some time to think about how this might transform your life into a more positive light. What positive outcome might arise from this painful time? What are the possible good things that might be on the other side?

Imagine the possibilities!

Most of us, in making our New Year's Resolutions, come up with things we'd like to start doing in the New Year. This year, as we get ready to turn the corner into a New Year, I invite you think about those habits, rituals, and patterns that no longer serve you - that are no longer beneficial to you. Close your eyes and imagine putting them in a bag that you are going to leave behind as you walk into 2023. Imagine how much lighter you will feel to leave that weight behind and how much energy you will free up to focus on more productive things.

I wish you all a peaceful, happy and healthy New Year!

10 Tips to Survive the Holidays (914) 282-7123 | [email protected] Copyright © 2013-2022, Linda Walter, LCSW Teletherapist. All Rights Reserved.

Now What?: After Divorce

In the US in 2022, we expect the divorce rate to be at least 44.2% . Hardly anyone with children walks away from a marriage and never interacts with their partner again.

Post divorce couples generally fall into 1 of 4 categories.

Perfect Pals These couples still enjoy each other’s company and are still involved in each other’s lives - they may even get together with their children. Perfect pals say they have a stressless divorce.

Cooperative Colleagues These couples manage to minimize conflicts, have a moderate amount of interaction and are mutually supportive. Most couples fall into this category and report a minimal amount of stress regarding their divorce.

Angry Associates tend to dwell on their marital conflicts. Their stress levels, and those of their children, are higher.

Fiery Foes report having constant stress in anything regarding their spouse. They continue to argue and are unable to cooperate with each other.

Into which category do you fit or do you want to fit?

“Stop shoulding on yourself”, said world renowned Psychologist Dr. Albert Ellis, founder of the school of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy.

Do you find yourself thinking or saying: “I should behave this way”, “I should do this”, “I should have said this”?

If your thoughts or messages to yourself include “should”, rethink the value in that.

The intention behind these thoughts aren’t wrong, but using the word “should” can trigger guilt, a feeling of failure, and can send you down a path of spiraling negative thoughts.
Should statements can also increase anxiety because they put demands on yourself, and sometimes these demands are impossible to live up to.
So instead of thinking or saying to yourself “I should eat healthy all the time”, try saying, “I know eating is healthy for me so I will try to do that”. Not feeling like a failure gives us the energy to work on something which may be hard.

We have long been told that exercise helps to lift moods. Researchers have identified a specific set of moves to boost your mood. Take a look at this 8 minute workout and see if it works for you. If this isn't for you, find ways to move your body every day. Enjoy!

https://www.nytimes.com/2022/05/24/well/move/joy-workout-exercises-happiness.html?campaign_id=190&emc=edit_ufn_20220530&instance_id=62720&nl=updates-from-the-newsroom®i_id=48063646&segment_id=93733&te=1&user_id=566646a64f2c86add23b065c8d2097f9

Do you suffer with panic attacks? If you do, I'd like to invite you to try this strategy I developed. First, imagine you're riding a wave on a boogie board and the wave is the feeling of panic. Next, R.I.D.E. the wave of panic back into the shore where the panic will subside.

R.I.D.E. stands for:

Recognize
Involve
Distract
End

To read my article in it's entirety, please visit: https://lindawaltercounseling.com/r-i-d-e-the-wave-of-panic/

Dealing with Disappointment

Whenever we have an expectation of how something “should be”, how someone “should behave”, or how a situation “should turn out”, we run the risk of becoming disappointed. Does that mean we shouldn’t have expectations? No. What it does mean is that we want to make a distinction between what we expect and what we want, what we think “should” happen and what we wish will happen, and how we think someone should behave and how we hope they will behave. The word “should” encourages us to feel that anything different is wrong or inferior.

When you find yourself disappointed in something or someone, allow the feeling while exploring what made you expect something different. Is what actually happened so bad, or even better than what you hoped? Can you look for and find the positives of the outcome?

This exercise will help you accept the reality of the situation, learn to look for the silver lining, and acknowledge the difference between the “should’s” and “wishes”.