Poppy Seed Counselling

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Whose Script?

We are born into a family system we do not choose. Our little bodies are already filled with instincts including breathing, digestion, feeding, blinking, organ function etc. Like any creature, environment is key to meeting development milestones. Add to the environmental mix, one or two emotionally immature and/or dysregulated parents and the new arrival’s natural pathway of emotional and psychological growth is altered. The child adjusts to whatever their family presents. They must! The adjustments however are predominantly personalised. The child does not have the competency to differentiate….that is to hold their parent(s) accountable, rather in their ego-centricity, make it about themselves. For example “there something wrong with me”, “I don’t matter”, “I’m not enough”, “I’m not lovable” etc.

This personalisation of parental deficits also instigates the child’s way of being in life. I now need to prove in some way that I am enough! The children will mind map their parents to work out what behaviours could bring connection or avoid rejection. A raft of acceptable or unacceptable behaviours can come from this process…. connection at whatever cost! Parents can then start to pay attention and even reward the child for certain acceptable behaviours, achievements, and efforts, further reinforcing the child’s adjusted way of being in life. On the inverse, the more negative behaviours can bring punishment. If hitting a sibling or being annoying is the only way to bring the otherwise neglecting or aloof parent in, then so be it!

The child’s program does not end in childhood. Their insecurities will carry into every subsequent relationship. A forty-year-old adult can still be seeking validation from their adult partner for confirmation that they are enough. Of course, neither the partner nor the insecure person can resolve the insecurity. At best, some affirmation can transactionally provide relief, however the fear that 'I’m not enough' always resides deeper than the present relationship. It is a script constructed in the deficits of parents. This script is not the truth of a person. Many commentators will suggest that you obtain through some life conquest, the best you or true you. The truth of you however is already present beneath the adjustments made in those early ego-centric years. As we scrape away the dross and debris (the adjustments), we almost fall into the truth of who we are. We step into our truth by learning who we are not…that is the script we are running is not ours to resolve.

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The Involuntary System

I often refer to the ‘Involuntary System’ interchangeably as the unconscious or the non-rational. The Involuntary System according to the ‘National Institutes of Health’ is “the part of the nervous system that controls muscles of internal organs (such as the heart, blood vessels, lungs, stomach, and intestines) and glands (such as salivary glands and sweat glands)”. This dimension of the nervous system is known as the ‘Autonomic Nervous System’ which also helps the flight, fight, freeze mechanisms associated with survival.
Survival can be;

1. Rational (instinctual) which informs that a person’s life is in imminent danger of harm or death; and
2. Non-Rational (conditioned) which causes a person to perceive imminent threat or death when they are in fact, actually safe. A common term for an emotional reaction to a perceived threat is ‘trigger’.

We can sometimes use voluntary actions to override the involuntary systems. I often use the terms ‘conscious’ or ‘rational’ self interchangeably for voluntary systems. For instance, we can purposely blink or hold onto our breath, however, at some point the involuntary actions of blinking and breathing will cut back in. I’ve observed in my own practice and the shared stories of other therapists that, more often than not, we are similarly trying to use voluntary processes to support a client’s involuntary triggers and negative states of being. Consider affirmations, thought replacement, Socratic reasoning, mindfulness, diarizing, time in nature or just being alone. These are examples of voluntary interventions.

A person’s will power, desire to be well and environment can often predict some degree of benefit obtained from voluntary interventions. On some occasions there can be breakthroughs and salient moments. Over time however for many, as life does what it does with relationship distresses, redundancies, loss of a loved one etc., a person can become fatigued using voluntary methods to offset involuntary internally ‘charged’ moments. For many, when fatigue meets exhaustion, those involuntary fight, flight and freeze movements will resurface, often to a point of overwhelm. That autonomic nervous system is the constant fall back position.

Many can get to a point where it is like they are fighting to get to the surface and breath in a swimming pool that holds no water. The perception is that there is water all around them and they are destined to drown. Everything and everyone can present as a perceived threat or danger (hyper-vigilance) so symptomatically people develop high anxiety, depression and/or other conditions and make their world so small in order to avoid being harmed.
The art of therapy is to turn off the conditioned survival states and return to instinct. This means directly working with what is trapped in the involuntary system. To return people to a place of instinct and trust in self (internal/secure) rather than fear being used as the primary agent of survival where trust is placed with everything and everybody else (external/insecure).

The Richards Trauma Process works directly with the conditioned states trapped in the involuntary system to return people to a place of instinct by addressing:

1. The negative beliefs about ourselves we take on in early life; and
2. The trapped charge (It’s not over and I’m not safe) from historical distressful events so the autonomic nervous system's fall back position is ‘It’s over and I’m safe now’.

See: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gOPezA-87nQ

If you’re interested, and would like to find out more about TRTP, please contact Poppy Seed Counselling on 0422 053 522 or email [email protected] to book a free 15 Minute Consult.

TRTP Explanation for Clients Why are health professionals talking about TRTP (The Richards Trauma Process)? Because it's fast, effective and safe. Because it works in just 3 - 4 sessions...

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Caught unaware, unbridled love swept me away
A breath-taking moment of deep connection
As tears welled my story was lost
I for a moment was a child spellbound in my protector's delight
Like a first hand witness of love that framed my existence
Remembering just how much I too was loveable
Acknowledging that I am so loved

Sounds Too Good To Be True

She was thoroughly shaken, wondering what was behind a greeting like that (Luke 1:29, MSG). As the early entry into the biblical ‘Christmas Story’, Mary found herself greeted with a confronting truth. The angel Gabriel welcomed her with “Good morning! You’re beautiful with God’s beauty, Beautiful inside and out!” (Luke 1:28, MSG). What a foreign greeting! Mary was simply going about her normal life. While her fear could be attributed to the presence of a supernatural being, I take solace it related to the very words that addressed her inherent worth. In the ordinary of life, and in the realm of form and function, it is easy to lose ‘self’ in the acts of service and established role identities. It’s even easier to lean on others to validate our self-worth. Likewise to feel worthless, even for a moment, could be as nearby as the next comment made to or about us.

Marianne Wilson famously wrote “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.….We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us [which is what Mary was literally being asked to do]. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others” (A Return to Love, 1992). On occasions we get a taste of our self-worth through the gracious words of the discerning, or in extraordinary moments in life. Less often, we get interrupted with an inner-voice that reveals to us our immense beauty. While the moment doesn’t go unnoticed, to continue to live the reality of our worthiness can “frighten us” so we retract. Brene Brown calls this “foreboding joy”.

Fear remains the resident internal state that hides our “inner beauty”. When fear has hold on us, we generally turn to form and function so others may pe*****te our insecure selves and tell us of our worthiness. Thank goodness that our nearest and dearest find ways to insult our sensibilities for it would be convenient to build addictions around outside-in validation crutches. What would it be like to awaken on Christmas morning and take ownership of the words “Good morning! You’re beautiful with God’s beauty, Beautiful inside and out!” Can you imagine living the reality of those words in your ordinary every day? Doing so would be to live out the truth of who you are

Blame - The Great Growth Suppressant

For many stuck relationships, couples find themselves in a stand off of sorts. It feels unjust to 'cross the bridge' to connect with the partner with a list of unaddressed grievances at hand. They need to change right? If I was to go towards them now...it would be like I'm to blame for the state of relationship! They need to change!! The evidence that relationships are stuck is often recognised in the level of conditionality placed on the other. Both people in the relationship then wait for the other to move...hence stalling growth. This state can endure for years, impacting intimacy, increasing resentment to the point of stonewalling, even seeking resolve outside of the relationship. Sure, there may be points of togetherness however without navigating what sits beneath the blame, the relational health will decline. Many unfortunately determine that the relationship at this point "is as good as it gets".

Amazing outcomes await those that can endure the pain of growth. "Can't go over/under/around it...got to go through it" and there will be discomfort....if people have enough courage...incredible discoveries await with personal and relational shifts inviting couples beyond any current imagination of intimacy....in fact...unconditional love.

The attachment oriented parenting course "Circle of Security" encourages the parents to be "bigger, stronger, wiser, kind". If a parent has an insecure sense of self, they will depend on their children to behave in ways that affirm them. When a child misbehaves, the insecure parent will tend to over react (too mean) and aggressively demand their children to change in order for themselves to feel ok, loved, competent, respected etc. . Alternatively, the parent can under-react (no boundaries - too weak) for fear that any boundary will bring them rejection from their child. Both reactions are representations of co-dependency. To be "bigger, stronger, wiser, kind" means the parent has the ability to separate their children's behavior from their sense of selves. In fact they will be able to tolerate sometimes being the "villain" in their children's protests. The insecure parent will tend to enforce boundaries by exception which primarily communicates intolerance and rejection. The reasons for the negative behavior are dismissed and the child learns that how (and why) they feel doesn't matter and is wrong. The "bigger, stronger, wiser, kind" parent will establish boundaries based on their personal and children's self-worth. Sure, there may be resistance, however the self-validation, constancy, coaching and esteeming from the parent will in most cases be enough for the child to eventually feel safe and secure within the confines of the self-worth centered boundaries. If you find that you over or under-react when you're children fall apart, this is generally a clue to how attachments were formed and internalised with your primary caregivers. Until you explore and address these aspects of self, you, as the parent, will pass on your insecurities and remain dependent on your children and many other's to affirm and validate you to feel ok...a task that children will never be competent to complete and will then try and complete in their future adult and children relationships...hence perpetuating the insecure relational patterns.

FOOD for THOUGHT

When we are young, our developing brain is egocentric. That means that everything that is happening in and around us has something to do with "me - the child". 2 questions are unconsciously enacted by the child:
1) What have I done to make them treat me/them that way? and 2) What do I need to do to make them NOT treat me/them that way - or make them love me...to feel safe?
Often, the answers to these questions fall into despair and are continually lived out throughout the course of life...and in adult relationships.

The competence of a child to self-regulate IS their caregivers - the part of the brain that brings self-regulation is still developing up until the mid-twenties. The greatest gift we can give children is to self-regulate otherwise the child takes responsibility for their caregivers feelings....never truly free to be themselves.

Abandon

No one saw it coming
The cheek that sparked my child-self
There was no constraint
A hill holding our weight
With all its undulations was simply support
Abandon intoxicated the chase
Laughter and scandal raced together
Wind carried our sounds away
The finish line was connection
And the audience of the surrounds
Shared and cheered the moment
Of healing received in the fragrance of surrender

Healing relationships and resolving PTSD, Depression & Anxiety in 3 to 4 sessions!