Seedlings of Hope

Coming out of people pleasing can feel confusing and uncomfortable. As we allow more of ourselves to be really known, it's normal to feel worried about seeming

Too direct
Too selfish
Too honest
Too mean
Too much

But how can you being you, be wrong? Practice showing up more authentically even though it may feel shaky.

Pay attention to the things and people you gravitate toward when you're calm and at ease. What feels enjoyable to you when you're not worried about being judged, holds so much information. What lights you up is what helps you reconnect to YOU.

3 easy tips to help you with boundaries

Tip #1: If we're not expressing a follow-through, then it's simply a request, not a boundary.

As we mentally rehearse our boundaries, we have to make sure that we're choosing a follow-through that feels actionable, not scary or too difficult to do.

Tips 2 & 3 ...continued on Substack

https://nowme.substack.com/p/boundaries

Hello from Percy, Francesco, and Felicity. Aside being super talented at snuggling, they often also make cameo appearances in my sessions:)

Want a quick mood post?
Interacting with animals reduces loneliness and lowers blood pressure and cortisol levels.

🥰

Parenting is hard enough, but if we have a suspected narcissist as a co-parent our kids are at risk of adopting unhelpful skills that set them up for lifelong dissatisfaction and difficulty in relationships.

That's because narcissism shows up intergenerationally. It's a protective mechanism rolemodeled in our family of origin that affects a child's autonomous development and ability to healthily relate.

Check the new Substack to find out how you can make a difference.

https://open.substack.com/pub/nowme/p/oh-no-i-worry-my-child-has-narcissistic?r=17d3vh&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web&showWelcomeOnShare=true

There is an ebb and flow to everything. Just like us, relationships are not stagnant or fixed. We need to be able to grow together and trust each other with some pretty big life stuff. If we normalize feeling off in relationchips or put up with unmet needs, we unfortunately may also unwittingly normalize this kind of energy in other areas of our life.

Here are three main areas of misalignment that as a couples therapist I look out for....

(see link in bio for more)
https://nowme.substack.com/p/three-telltale-signs-to-help-you

Eclipse affirmations

I am safe & secure
I create easily for my highest good
I am powerful & resourced
I love & accept myself
It is safe to express
I have clarity & see what is needed
I am divinely guided & protected

Unfortunately sometimes needs don't align because of bad timing, different priorities, more/less capacity for awareness, differing communication styles or beliefs, previous triggering hurts, essentially many things can get in the way.

Hoping for a good day or positive interaction is fair and lovely, but it may not happen, and no amount of fault-finding can change that. No amount of compromise or bending over backwards truly helps either, resentment will inevitably creep in.

Your preferences are normal and make sense for you. Other people's preferences make sense for them. As long as there's no harm, we need to allow for differences.
It's not another person's job to make you feel appeased, nor is it your job to manage their expectations.

Authenticity over agreeability, always.

Can we honour individuality and connection?

Perhaps we can find a way to express with more acceptance and less self-abandonment.

When we struggle with disappointment or resentment, it's important to validate our feelings, but it's also helpful not to get stuck in those feelings.

It may sound something like...

"This is not what I hoped...(deep breath, feel the loss) and I release my disappointments & expectations for this moment or other people to be different right now."

There are so many things we can be hard on ourselves for... the things we didn't get to do... the place we'd thought we'd be by now in our life... the skills we never mastered... but once in a while, it's good to pause and remember that there's so much we've managed to experience and relax into.

I was terrified of water and finally learned to swim in my 30s... I always wanted to help people, and now I get to do that.... I still like writing with pens that glide, bake often (upgraded from mud pies), and when it comes to superheroes, Wonder Woman has stayed the course.

What's something that's still true for you, or finally true for you?




🙏

Self-esteem is an inside job. It's not predicated by success or external validation.
It's not determined by your actions, good or bad.

We can feel appropriate remorse and guilt, just like we can feel appropriate joy and celebrate ourselves, but neither should affect our sense of worth.

Check:
How do you speak to yourself when you make a mistake?
Are you able to separate your sense of worth from your behavior?

Practice:
Don't identify with how your life is going, how you're performing, or what others think of you.

Try these reminders,
"I am a human being, not a human doing."
"I choose to be aware of my mistakes and grow from them."
"I don't have to prove my worth."

The ideal relationship between a therapist and a client, as described by american psychologist Carl Rogers, is one where the client feels "unconditional positive regard."

The respect and comfort you feel with someone is more important than any technique or therapeutic modality. It's often referred to as the therapeutic alliance.

You are only responsible for the parts you bring to any relationship.
Do what you can to be accountable and aware in a compassionate way.

When your boundaries and your vulnerabilities authentically reflect your values, you're not easily derailed and you can keep your heart open, soft and relational.

Not sure how to apologize?

Saying sorry doesn't have to suck.

Everyone makes mistakes, but we can grow more attuned to our values when we realize it and course correct.

❤️

My ability to help others get clear doesn't always translate as clarity in my own triggers.

I have my own therapy, friends I vent with, stacks of books, supervision, and ongoing healing... we relate and learn from every single one of our clients.

Perfection or a life free of suffering is never the goal.

"Self care is a divine responsibility."
-Danielle LaPorte

Chronically de-prioritizing our needs to help others leads to burnout, resentment, and dynamics of power imbalances.

It's also called codependency and it usually comes with tons of guilt, and serves to avoid our deep fear of loneliness or abandonment.

This morning's intention was an invitation to more lightness and joyful experiences.

Shortly after, I received a cancelation and went to the back yard to rake. The hose must of touched something and got me square in the face! 😁🤷‍♀️

And the dogs bolted inside and stayed clear ALL morning. They looked pi**ed and jaded, like I had Bath-Ambushed them.





🙏

Are you ready for a paradigm shift?

Please share if it resonates. Let's start a movement of Love❤️

Relational Safety: Transmuting Individual & Collective Suffering. | elephant journal Our hearts bear the weight of what they've experienced, what that they're bearing witness to, and all that's uncertain and yet to come. They're beating tenaciously

We are not wired for prolonged states of crisis. It's difficult to live in a world where atrocities abound.

Our hearts bear the weight of what they've experienced, what that they're bearing witness to, and all that's uncertain and yet to come.

Now more than ever, we need reminders that the world is still good, and as Richard Schwartz often encourages, we need to be merchants of hope.

We are each other's most precious resource.

Although not gender specific, the FAWN response often overlaps with societal expectations placed on women...

Be nice
Take the high road
Keep the peace
Don't make a big deal of things
Sacrifice for the greater good
Forgive and forget

Dr Gabor Matè 's work in "The Body says no" is a powerful reminder of the price we pay for playing small.

Niceness as an adaptation is a dangerous attribute.
Selflessness is not healthy in adult relationships, it skews expectations and can lead to power dynamics that don't support mutual wellbeing.

Take up space.
Express your needs.
Seek people that know how to reciprocate your caring heart.

The practice of holding space for our differences while also upholding shared values is invaluable.

Let's move toward discernment and accountability over blame.
Seeking to understand instead making snap judgements.

The thing we need most right now is eachother.

The terrible events unfolding in the Middle East weigh heavily on my heart. My life's work is dedicated to healing relational trauma, and seeing the depth of wounding being inflicted on innocent civilians in Israel and Gaza is absolutely devastating. I know the shock and pain of recent events echoes in so many of us right now.

Violence is never the answer.
No matter our differences,
hatred, racism, and discrimination can't be the way to embrace a more sustainable and peaceful way of life.

May we grieve the personal and collective wounds.
May all suffering be eased.
May we remember and awaken to our shared vulnerable humanity.
❤️

Getting to know our conditioning can be powerfully transformative.
Our subconscious is listening all the time, and the beliefs that repeat and go unexplored and unchallenged dictate so much of our experience, especially in relationships.

In 2012 I was feeling directionless, stagnant, depressed and desperate for change. I was lucky to find Marianne Williamson's book "A Return to Love" which helped me immensely. Back then, my sister and I met weekly to read and digest the messages in the book. It felt like an invitation to reconnect to a part of me that had shut down. I learned that there is innate, divine intelligence and wisdom beyond the noise our our mind. Now 10 years later, it's still a process of remembrance and surrender, of aligning and trusting.

Today I got to hear Marianne Williamson speak at her live event "Join the evolution: It’s time to pursue the power of love." I'm deeply grateful for the empowering messages of hope and the importance of connection to ourselves and eachother.

This evening felt like generational healing because I was blessed to have beside me my teenage daughters and mom.
So deeply moved.

There's no greater feeling than being truly witnessed and appreciated for our efforts, our gifts, our good intentions and our uniqueness.

Through all the ups and downs that this world can throw at us, we're lucky to have good friends, loving partners, caring family, and great coworkers and neighbors!

Help the amazing people in your life feel validated. Tag them in the comments with one of the suggested compliments or let them know in your own words.

You never know how your kind comments affect someone's day.
❤️

My experience as a therapist:
"Anxiety and depression are rampant across all ages. The level of discontent out there is overwhelming.
Families have not seen each other for long stretches of time. Some have divided over differing approaches to current mandates, and many no longer speak. Marriages have crumbled as couples got pushed to the edge by added external pressure; domestic abuse has been fuelled by job losses, lockdowns and conflict over how to manage risk in close confinement. Young adults have been restricted from healthy social outlets....High-school kids have been bullied, shamed online and ostracized if hesitant to follow mainstream protocols. I hear more and more people saying that they need to numb out with ma*****na and alcohol, providing further evidence to reports of skyrocketing substance abuse. The elderly have been isolated, many denied operations because of strained medical systems..."
(Excerpt from article below)
Please share if it resonates, leave a heart on the article at , or let me know how you're doing. I read and appreciate all your comments. You are not alone. This struggle is what connects us right now and we can heal together.
❤

The Pandemic’s Impact on Mental Health and The Importance of Social Solidarity. | elephant journal Navigating unrelenting levels of fear, divisiveness and stress during the pandemic has taken a toll beyond the obvious physical threat. Over the past two years, I've thankfully not lost a single cli...

Have you ever craved more attention or validation and heard this instead.... "I'm not good at saying it. That's not me. I don't feel comfortable expressing my feelings that way."
Do they really have a hard time expressing love or does the problem go a little deeper?

I've been getting a lot of questions about Fantasy Bonds after writing about it (check link in bio) and considering that we're all pretty much coming from emotionally starved and unattuned past generations, it doesn't surprise me. If you're up for a heady read, the book is worth it. Here's an excerpt....



https://www.elephantjournal.com/2022/01/finding-closure-and-healing-from-fantasy-bonds/

Have you ever craved more attention or validation and heard this instead.... "I'm not good at saying it." Do they really have a hard time expressing love or does the problem go a little deeper? I've been getting a lot of questions about Fantasy Bonds after writing about it (check link in bio) and considering that we're all pretty much coming from emotionally starved and unattuned past generations, it doesn't surprise me. If you're up for a heady read, the book is worth it. Here's an excerpt.... #fantasybond #therapy #relationships #reallove #mentalhealth

Have you heard of a Fantasy Bond? It may surprise you to know that it's quite common.
Check out my new article, share, comment and let me know what resonates.

Finding Closure and Healing From Fantasy Bonds | elephant journal Breakups are painful. There's no quick way through heartache. It's even worse when our pain keeps us seeking closure from an ex, tethering us to them longer than we care to admit. More than anything, ...

Do you know what you are?
You are manuscript
of a divine letter.
You are a mirror
reflecting a noble face.
This universe is not outside of you.
Look inside yourself;
everything you want,
you are already that.
-Rumi

❄

No matter what life is reflecting bck to you at this time, choose to connect to you innate worth. Hardships are temporary, as are joys. But you, this precious life expressing as you, that is the real gift this holiday season.

🙏



cheer

Our choices affect more than our own lives,
they're energetic ripples that either add to connectivity or diviseness.
Kindness is needed now more than ever.
💙