Thinking Space

Great explanation Beauty After Bruises.

Today's "What Does It Mean?" is Dissociation - a word you may've seen around a bit more recently. Though oft-misunderstood, everyone dissociates! ...just, to different extremes :) Dissociation (not to be confused with "disASsociation") exists on a wide spectrum but refers to any time you aren't fully connected and engaged with the present moment - including to your person, body, mind, time, and place. It is the opposite of being grounded or properly mindful.
For those with no mental health conditions, it tends to show up most often as daydreaming, having those "shower thoughts", or in "highway hypnosis" (when you space out so much you miss an exit, or forget the whole drive home but just know you're here now - somehow), etc. The more extreme experiences can be more uncomfortable, or even dangerous. Being on autopilot and just going through the motions could be normal and how you get through a mundane workday, or cause you to overpour the milk in your coffee or cut a finger while cooking. Things described as "out of body experiences" are typically the result of dissociation. Feeling like you're watching your life from outside yourself, from the ceiling, or like a "fly on the wall" is known as depersonalization, a type of dissociation. In derealization, another form, one can even feel like the world around them is foreign or not quite real as things may take on a disconcerting, confusing, dreamlike, or surreal quality. These experiences happen most often in panic attacks, insomnia, trauma responses, and dissociative disorders.
At the furthest end of the dissociative spectrum, we have what is experienced in Dissociative Identity Disorder. This extreme takes shape in many ways: as a protective, distancing action at the moment of trauma, in the compartmentalization of self and holding of traumatic material outside one's awareness, as well as later in life when switching between alters (which often causes amnesia for the time lost between them). During these complete switches, the mind operates with an entirely different set of memories, sense of self/identity, understanding of the world, and more - all due to the dissociative processes constructed as a child to cope with such severe, ongoing trauma.
Dissociation - while protective at its core - is also what's responsible for traumatic memories being recalled out of chronological order, losing them after once knowing them, or being what many [erroneously] call "repressed memories". It is also possible to dissociate emotions, physical pain (which can be vitally healing as well as worsening known injuries, ignoring new bodily harm entirely, or being unable to recognize general discomfort, hunger, or exhaustion), as well as many other sensory and cognitive experiences.
Dissociation can be extremely helpful, an adaptive skill to harness, and very desirable - which is why many can even habituate to *wanting* to stay dissociated. But, it also comes with consequences. Dissociation can lead you to feeling safe when you aren't, content when your body needs help, capable when you're not in control, as well as disconnected from vital information you need to know about dangerous people/places in your life. It can be an incredible tool, but useful to a fault when unbridled. It is at its best when paired with a robust and well-practiced knowledge of grounding. Which, we are happy to lend a hand with in our 101 Grounding Techniques article!
Dissociation is a beautiful, complicated, healing, disruptive, chaotic, wonderful, messy little friend or foe. Together, we can celebrate its wins and learn to work with and gain mastery over its cons!
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Just a reminder that my new webinar for parents on the psychology of demand avoidance is TOMORROW. Understand how demand avoidance works, what makes things worse - and how to make things better. Suitable for children with and without a diagnosis.
Yes it's recorded. Please share if you know parents who might benefit.

https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/understanding-and-helping-your-demand-avoidant-child-tickets-721293126157?aff=fb4

School distress and the school attendance crisis: a story dominated by neurodivergence and unmet need BackgroundThe Covid-19 pandemic has brought into sharp focus a school attendance crisis in many countries, although this likely pre-dates the pandemic. Children and young people (CYP) struggling to attend school often display extreme emotional distress before/during/after school. We term this School...

Some children seem to be born with especially sensitive pressure detectors. They can detect the pressure in statements like ‘It’s sunny out’ or ‘It’s stopped raining’. They react as if they’ve been yelled at when they’re given a ‘gentle reminder’ and refuse point blank to comply by (apparently) pointless rules like Don’t Walk On the Grass.

These children often confuse their parents, because when their parents try any traditional parenting techniques, it goes wrong. They get out the sticker charts, and the children use it on them. They threaten a consequence, and the whole world stops until they take it back and apologise profusely for ever having mentioned such a thing. They soon regret using ‘firm’ language when it’s used right back at them, and their children are far more consistent than they have the time or energy to be.

What’s going on? In this new webinar I’ll be diving deep into the psychology of demand avoidance. What is it, where does it come from and what can parents do to make things better rather than worse? You’ll leave with a better understanding of why your child behaves the way that they do and how you can work with them so everyone can thrive.

Suitable for children with and without a diagnosis. Yes it’s recorded. Please share if you know parents who might benefit.

https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/understanding-and-helping-your-demand-avoidant-child-tickets-721293126157?aff=fb3

I was training a great charity from london today and we were discussing trauma symptoms and how often they are misunderstood by people in positions of power and by those who have been harmed by others. These kind of sentences are so often heard. We need to keep speaking about normal reactions and responses to abuse and maltreatment. When someone giving evidence doesn’t look upset or sad it shows that they have had to work hard to cope and survive and so they cannot feel emotions as they tell their story. If someone is asked why they didn’t fight or flight or scream or shout, we need to remind them that to freeze is a trauma defence mechanism that enables them to stay alive in the face of terrifying pain and turmoil. The knowledge of trauma symptoms changes lives for many and reduces shame and increases self awareness and healing.

Let's replace punishment with patience and discipline with dialogue.

Understanding and Helping Your Demand Avoidant Child What is demand avoidance? Dr Naomi Fisher will explain the psychology of demand avoidance and what parents can do to help.

Thank you, Trauma Recovery UK

Don't Shame Us! Written by Betsy de Thierry

Thinking Space is closed for the rest of September for a holiday.

Thank you, Beauty After Bruises .

Thank you, Teacher Tom.

Creating A World In Which Children Are Free To Think For Themselves I recognized them as the nice family from our building, their son, who looks to be approaching 4, was straddling one of thos...

Thank you, Beauty After Bruises.

✧ Flashbacks: Part 3 ✧

Body memories, sometimes called somatic flashbacks, are next up in this series! Like emotional flashbacks, body memories can either be extremely explicit and clear, or subtle, sneaky, and hard to detect.
As described in previous posts, traumatic memory is stored differently in the mind than safe memory. Parts of a trauma may be scattered or disorganized, leaving the survivor to relive the experience one small piece at a time. Body memories are a re-experiencing of the "Sensory" portion of a traumatic experience. They can be mild (like sudden temperature fluctuation, nausea, muscle tension), moderate (bruising/rashes, dizzy spells, lost limb coordination or control), or extreme (seizing, incontinence, physical pain to the point it's disabling, etc). Those that are harder to intellectually link to a past trauma may even be mistaken for traditional illnesses or diseases, and a survivor may seek medical care for them. This is fairly common and unfortunately tends to lead to disappointing interactions. This is only compounded by the fact so many survivors have co-occurring chronic illnesses which are equally as misunderstood and invalidated in medical settings.
To be clear though, body memories are not the same as somatic symptom disorder - where one's anxiety or stress about illness manifests in physical symptoms. These physical experiences are directly linked to past trauma; dissociation and posttraumatic neurology make this possible in a way somatic symptom disorders do not replicate. Body memories are incredibly real and being able to identify them can be the first step to relieving one's pain and suffering. They may not be *treatable* by a medical doctor, but are still very real, involve cellular, neurologic, and muscular activity, and are not merely imagined nor phantom.
Like emotional flashbacks, sometimes grounding exercises, using "past vs present", or other tools are enough to ease them, but occasionally more detailed containment or imagery exercises are required. Things like Healing Pool/Light or Color Breathing are excellent starting points (see our articles to walk through examples of each!). We'll be sharing several ways to tackle difficult flashbacks next and truly hope they bring relief!
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I really don’t understand our mental health system at all. Why would we diagnose people without finding out more about their context and experiences. We can’t expect a rushed environment where we expect a simple question like ‘is there anything going on right now?’ to be answered in a way that could articulately describe the trauma they are experiencing. It can take years of careful, empathetic, kind, skilled therapy before someone can use words to describe the horrors they have experienced. So because our mental health system often doesn’t understand that humans can’t speak about what has happened due to terror and shock, they are often diagnosed with disorders. The system is mad not the human.

‎Braving the Way with Dr. Fletch: EMDR & Dissociative Identities (OSDD/DID) with Dr. Jamie Marich (she/they), Ph.D., LPCC-S, REAT, RYT-500, RMT on Apple Podcasts ‎Show Braving the Way with Dr. Fletch, Ep EMDR & Dissociative Identities (OSDD/DID) with Dr. Jamie Marich (she/they), Ph.D., LPCC-S, REAT, RYT-500, RMT - Sep 1, 2023

📢 Parents and carers of children with , we know the new school year can be tough as you fight to secure the right provision for your child.

Our guide is here to help, answering the most common queries you may have at this key time of the year.

🔗 Find it here: https://www.ipsea.org.uk/pages/category/back-to-school-hub

Amazing news - my first book is 99p on Kindle for September. What better way to celebrate Back to School than by challenging your thinking on every aspect of it and imagining a better way to learn.

If you don't have a Kindle, you can read it on the free Kindle app.

Please do share with anyone or any groups who might benefit from this offer.

https://amzn.eu/d/1NiWwsH

Please come and book onto our free, six session, training course for parents/carers who would like to better understand their Autistic Child and find ways to best help and support them. You need to live in the Birmingham and Solihull area.

I hated therapy breaks. They pressed every trigger in me of abandonment, rejection and isolation. But learning to first notice and then tolerate this distress, to work with it in the sessions, ended up transformative.

Listen: https://www.carolynspring.com/podcasts/recovering-from-developmental-trauma/

Thank you, Beauty After Bruises.

✧ Flashbacks: Part 2 ✧

Let's talk Emotional Flashbacks - the most silent, sneaky, and at-times damaging kind of flashback!
Emotional flashbacks are tricky. Sometimes they're overt, clear, and immediately recognizable, but other times they're subtle enough to go entirely undetected. The times they piggyback on a shred of emotion we were authentically feeling is when things tend to get most convoluted. We all have a wide flux and range of emotions, all day, and it's completely normal to be unaware of where most are coming from (especially if you aren't taking intentional steps to backtrack and study your mood). So, when you find yourself reliving a very intense emotion from a past trauma, but have zero other information to indicate that, it can get very disorienting, confusing, and upsetting quickly.
Depending on the severity of the EF, or how mismatched your emotions may be to a given situation, it can also be downright terrifying. It may feel extremely out of control or even make you feel crazy. But, more distressing, these surges of unbridled emotion can accidentally affect relationships, work, or how safely you treat yourself. This is doubly true if one isn't yet self-aware, doesn't know these experiences are emotional flashbacks, or doesn't have a wide array of coping skills at their disposal. Being unable to communicate what is happening to you with a partner, coworker, boss, or family member - or to even just know inside yourself - can generate a great deal of friction, worry, or sense of always needing to walk on eggshells.
Because emotional flashbacks don't often contain the worst parts of a traumatic memory, it can be quite easy to minimize the experience as a whole. However, being suddenly overcome by immobilizing fear, sadness, or anger that a moment doesn't call for; abruptly feeling trapped, panicked, or 100% certain something terrible is coming; shrinking into yourself because you feel attacked, yelled at, or like you did something very wrong - these reactions are nothing to scoff at or brush off. EFs can be extremely upsetting and jarring, just like the traumas they originated from, and are not merely a mood swing or bad day. Nowhere close.
Luckily, there are ways to manage emotional flashbacks. Sometimes basic grounding is enough, but skills like "Past vs. Present", modulation techniques, as well as other DBT skills like Wise Mind (and some portions of Emotion Regulation, though not all, since these are flashbacks, not present dysregulation) can help even more. As mentioned, because Difficulty with Emotion Regulation is part of C-PTSD criteria, it can sometimes be tough to discern what is part of an ongoing struggle to modulate one's emotions versus a true Emotional Flashback, but it is possible to do. Identifying the trigger often provides the greatest insight, but there are other tools to help peel back the layers and know what you're working with.
We know these can be tougher to immediately distinguish, and are often quite individual, but if you have any questions, please ask!
Next up: Body Memories!
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Trauma is beyond-painful. Suggesting that it can be resolved quickly and easily – with a kind of rah-rah toxic positivity – can feel offensive. Recovery IS possible, but only with the right support (often hard to find).

Listen: https://www.carolynspring.com/podcasts/what-does-recovery-from-trauma-look-like/

My new webinar on Helping Autistic Children with School is TOMORROW. Book your place now. If the time doesn't suit you, it is recorded. Choose that option at the checkout and we'll send you a recording after the event which you can access for at least two weeks.

Please share if you know parents or educators who might benefit.

Feedback from earlier webinars:

Your talk has been the best talk I've been to in ages, and i go to a lot!

Thank you for this exceptional content.

It’s such a breath of fresh air to feel understood!!

The webinar was wonderful. So helpful, so much insight.

https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/698452810157?aff=oddtdtcreator

Thank you, Beauty After Bruises .

✧ Flashbacks: Part 1 ✧
Over the next week, we'll be doing a series on flashbacks - what they are, how they affect survivors, exploring various kinds, as well as providing resources and skills to manage them. To start, let's learn what a flashback really is!
Flashbacks are a posttraumatic symptom, so they are experienced by those with PTSD and Complex PTSD. Because of the high comorbidity between PTSD and dissociative disorders, nearly all with Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) and Otherwise-Specified Dissociative Disorder (OSDD) subtypes will also experience flashbacks at some point in life. The dissociative nature of these conditions may even intensify one's flashbacks, leave them more vulnerable to experiencing one in the first place, or cause additional symptoms to pile on. In the same vein, those with DID or OSDD may also have a harder time reconnecting with the present fully or "putting the memory away" — particularly if aspects of that flashback are held by other alters/parts of the mind.
Traumatic memories are stored in the brain differently than safe, casual memory. They're intelligently compartmentalized - or dissociated - in one's mind so that the survivor can carry on with their tasks of daily living without having to be aware of these terrible, terrible experiences. However, if triggered, or if the mind believes there's a protective reason to relive this material (often mistakenly or maladaptively), it may be thrust from its secluded space and re-experienced by the survivor against their will. They are, by nature, intrusive, undesired, and often distressing. Flashbacks tend to persist until a person is ready to process the traumatic material through and integrate all of its information, emotion, and pain into the narrative or "story" of their life. Once completed, it becomes just a very bad memory - one able to be thought of willingly or not at all - no longer involuntarily forced upon them.
Another important note is that traumatic memories themselves can come disjointed, out of order, incomplete, or in scattered pieces - leaving a broken narrative or sensory experience that must be put together later. Until then, survivors may relive just one isolated aspect of a trauma with no other context. This may include seeing intrusive images but having no knowledge of where, when, or with whom this occurred, or having an intense urge to physically react (flinch, cover one's face, barricade a door, sit as still as a statue, etc), but having zero access to the memory from which that compulsion came. The same can be true with smells, sounds, or emotions that may be imperceptible as flashbacks at all. These kinds of experiences may be better known Emotional Flashbacks or Body Memories.
We will be discussing those two most common experiences next (Emotional Flashbacks and Body Memories), as well as walking through something called the BASK, model to help folks better understand the way trauma can get compartmentalized! Stay tuned!
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Do you have an autistic child who finds school hard - but it's difficult to work out why or know what to do? Does school say they 'look fine' but you know that they aren't?

I have a new solo webinar coming up on Monday about exactly this. What makes school so hard for many autistic young people, and what can parents and educators do to help? It's practical, down to earth and positive about young people. Yes it's recorded. Please share if you know parents who might benefit.

https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/698452810157?aff=oddtdtcreator

Illustration by Eliza Fricker Missing The Mark from my book, A Different Way to Learn.

The perfect life doesn't exist, and nor does a life where from our past has zero impact on us. We are all shaped by our experiences and our memories. Recovery is a destination and a gradual freedom, not a magic trick.

Listen: https://www.carolynspring.com/podcasts/what-does-recovery-from-trauma-look-like/

A lot of what you read about home education is PR. People post pictures of their happy children playing, or write about how much they love seeing them learning from life. They post about playing chess, and writing novels. Visiting historical monuments and practicing French together.

It has to be like that, because home education does have a PR problem. The reality is very different to what people assume – primarily, people imagine school-at-home, whilst outside school education can be very different. People think that home educated children are missing out – whilst home educating families often think that it’s schooled families who just don’t know what they are missing.

Because of that, however, there can be a temptation to focus on the positives and to gloss over the harder parts. There can be a tendency to behave as if it’s all sweetness and light, happy children and connected families from dawn to dusk.

That makes it particularly difficult for families where home education isn’t like that at all. Families where parents have taken this route because there really was no other choice – schools could not meet need or their child became so distressed or unwell that they couldn’t continue. Or where it was clear from early on that school would go badly wrong for this child and their parents chose to prevent this from happening by opting out. Families where they’ve made this choice even though they can’t afford it, and where parents have given up jobs they loved because the needs of their children were too high and no one else could manage.

For those families, home education does not resolve their difficulties. It takes away the pressure of school, but it adds new pressures. Their children still have very high needs, and it is still very hard to find a place for them. The world is still not set up for them. Home education groups are run by parents, and the culture is often established by the main organisers, to suit their own children. They have no expertise and there’s no reason why they should be able to manage a child’s behaviour, where school has failed. They may say they are inclusive, but what they mean is that they don’t turn people away. In reality, if your child is one who hits others, or who spits, or who doesn’t wait their turn – you won’t feel included. If your child needs you so much that you can never chat with other parents, then you won’t get to know the group, and you won’t feel included.

This leaves many families feeling even more isolated. For where do they go now? Where are the other families like them, who can’t go to groups because of their child’s behaviour, or who can’t leave the house at all, and who can’t chat or even get a moment to themselves? Do they even exist? Are they the only ones? Is it meant to be this hard?

If this is you, you aren’t alone. All over the country there are parents like you, wondering if it will ever get better. Parents for whom this really wasn’t a choice, but everyone behaves as if it must have been. Parents for whom each day is grinding hard work – and they do it because they love their children.

You won’t meet these families at groups, because they will have tried it out once and never come back. You won’t see them at park meets, because playgrounds and other children are an unpredictable combination. And you won’t find them at the organised classes, because they are very far from being able to join in. You may not see them outside their house at all.

You have to meet them online. You have to reach out to other parents and risk showing your vulnerability. You have to form relationships which don’t rely on your children. You need others who will say, yes, that’s us too. For it’s those connections which will keep you going through the hardest times. Those who understand.

How Creativity Training Helps Kids Tackle Life’s Hurdles and Boosts Resilience - Neuroscience News Training elementary school students in creativity has shown potential in amplifying their resilience against real-world challenges.

The mediation process What will happen once you have decided you do want to mediate

Children out of school: your top questions answered If you missed our children out of school webinar, the recording is still available to watch – but to help, we’ve also rounded up the top questions asked during the session in this article

Did you miss our free webinar earlier this week?

Catch up on the recording of 'My child is out of school - what can I do?' here 👉 https://buff.ly/3KhaGau

Tolerable stress is a normal, healthy part of development. However, toxic levels of stress – caused when a child experiences significant, frequent, or prolonged adversity – can impact a child’s mental health and development.

🎧 Check out this episode of the Brain Architects, where our Faculty Director, Dr. Jack Shonkoff, and a panel of experts walk through the concept of toxic stress as well as ways to support families facing significant adversity: https://bit.ly/2WEfxdQ

I'm just working on my solo webinar about how to help autistic children at school - it's the first one I've done which is aimed at both educators and parents. I'm working on creating tools you can use to help children thrive and flourish, to go beyond 'coping'.

There are no easy answers but there are definitely things that we can do to help, both at home and school. Please share if you are in places where people might benefit.

Yes it's recorded (if you choose that option at the check out you'll be sent the recording after the event and can view it for two weeks).

Feedback from earlier webinars.

"Thank you for appreciating the reality of the situation for parents. It really means a lot to know that there are professionals out there who really ‘get it’ and who are working so proactively to offer appropriate support and advocate for us."

"I just wanted to say a big thank you- I listened to a couple of your interviews and it has changed the way I perceive my children’s experience of school. "

https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/698452810157?aff=oddtdtcreator

(illustration by Eliza Fricker)

Look 👀👀....another free Webinar.... please take a look if you are a parent, carer or professional in the West Midlands and want to sign up to this webinar..... come along and join us 😀😀

Free Webinar about dissociation for therapists.

Not Faking: Dispelling the Myths & Misunderstandings of Dissociation - Therapy Wisdom Join Dr. Jamie Marich, Ph.D. for a free webinar Not Faking: Dispelling the Myths & Misunderstandings of Dissociation WATCH Now! In this free webinar, pioneering dissociation expert Dr. Jamie Marich shares: Why therapists don’t know much about dissociation and how to change that How the media misre...

I'm often asked by parents and educators what they can do to help autistic children at school.

I talk a lot about ways in which I think schools need to change - but what about your child, right now? They don't seem happy, but they can't tell you what the problem is. They 'look fine' - but their behaviour after and before school shows you that they really aren't. What can you do?

In this new webinar, I'm taking a deep dive into the experience of autistic children at school. I'll draw on my new book, A Different Way to Learn, and my 18 years of clinical experience, to help you understand how things can go wrong, what you can do to help, and how you can help children move towards flourishing rather than simply surviving. Warning, this is not a webinar about how to force your children into school without a fuss.

This webinar is for both parents and educators. Yes it's recorded. Please share it with anyone who you think might find it useful.

Illustration by Eliza Fricker Missing The Mark.

https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/698452810157?aff=oddtdtcreator

This is important. It is hard to say "No" when others are struggling, but learning to do so is part of healing. You cannot pour from an empty cup.

Thank you, Hailey Paige Magee.

Thanks to Hailey Paige Magee

We have a strange way of thinking about children’s behaviour in our society. We treat it as if it’s a thing which exists on its own, which we should be able to change. It’s ‘dreadful’ or ‘good’’ or sometimes ‘out of control’. Children are ‘well-behaved’ when they do what is expected of them, and ‘badly behaved’ when they don’t. We talk about behaviour as if it is something which can be evaluated, controlled and changed to make it more convenient. Parents are sometimes advised to ‘separate the child from the behaviour’ – which means, tell them that you don’t like their behaviour but you still love them.

This is understandable, and infinitely better than telling the child that they are a bad person because of their behaviour. However it’s missing something, because it separates the behaviour from the person. Behaviour is part of the person – it’s there for a reason. It’s the way that a person is expressing themselves, communicating - whatever it’s there for, it doesn’t exist separately. A person without their behaviour is nothing, and behaviour without a person is less than nothing.

This has consequences for how we respond, because as a culture we seem to believe that the behaviour itself is all there is – so, if we could change the behaviour, pouf, the problem will be gone.

Many schools have behaviour strategies, which are usually based on the idea that if you punish people for a behaviour, they will do it less, and if you reward them, they’ll do it more. So you send children out of the classroom for chatting, give them a detention if they don’t do their homework and you give them certificates and good grades when they comply with what is expected. The idea is that they will be motivated to stop chatting, start doing their homework and they’ll try hard to get more certificate and good grades, and bingo, the behavioural problems will disappear. These are ideas which came out of a particular area of psychology – behaviourism.

If it worked, our schools would be very different places and our children very different humans.

Many of these ‘behaviour strategies’ would be more accurately named ‘compliance strategies’. We define ‘Good behaviour’ for children, particularly in school, as compliance.

Compliance strategies stop us from asking why. Maybe that child who didn’t do their homework is so tired each day after school that they just can’t struggle through more Maths. Maybe the child chatting in class has just realised they forgot their money for lunch, and is wondering if their friend can lend them money or if they will go hungry. It makes no difference to the behaviour strategy, because it’s only the behaviour which is focused on. It doesn't matter why.

But to the child, the why is everything.

Image: Fethi Bouhaouchine