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lf I ask how lost are you? What would be your reply?. How often do you feel the need for external validation? And if you do not receive it, do you feel disheartened? You are not alone in feeling this way. External validation is an epidemic that our society is facing as a whole, a stark disconnect from ourselves is at the root of crumbling self- belief. A young boy, sweet, happy and vulnerable, looks towards his guardians for validation, for praise for his accomplishments. A child joyously and with extreme excitement presents his father with a report card, attaining full marks for a recent exam. The father in shared excitement praises the boy saying that he is proud of him. Although what the father said in hindsight is through good intention, and might not seem wrong but it has set the kid on a path of external validation for the rest of his life. What the father should have said was “You should be proud of yourself for attaining such great marks”. The boy does not explore it’s source, and ends up becoming lost in this whirlwind of a process, where his internal needs for validation need to be met by someone else.

Most of us in this day and age are not immune to the need for external validation. Our accomplishments feel enlarged when someone else notices them. With the advent of social media this idea has been further propagated. When we feel that the more people appreciate it, the better or bigger the accomplishment is, which often is not the case. Our constant need for such validation is stressful and tends to spill over into our personal and professional lives. The need to perform better so our bosses appreciate our work. Make compromises in our relationships just so that our spouse or our kids appreciate the work that we put in for them. We tend to determine our worth through the eyes of others, through their approval we judge ourselves and our accomplishments. Our identity is anchored to likes and comments under our most recent post. How many texts we get, how long does it take someone to reply to us, and the anxiety that kicks in when the validation needs are not met.

Self- belief is the antidote, to break the vicious cycle of gaining external validation. Self- belief at its core is complete honesty with oneself. To question yourself and your ideas, where do they stem from and why are they important to you. To look deep within ourselves with a magnifying glass and reconnect with our core. When we are honest with ourselves we discover our flaws, and this discovery gives us the power to work on ourselves, become better and to accept things that are beyond our control. In a look into our depths, we also find our strengths, things that we should pride ourselves for. But, more often than not we push it under the carpet, for fear or shame that we might be over estimating our strengths. To generate Self belief we need to go on a difficult journey and explore our own subconscious. Once we accept who we are in totality, all the good and the bad. We step on to a road that is much brighter, and smoother for the journey ahead.

To be able to connect with your core and be anchoring yourself to it, you allow yourself to be unfazed by the chatter of the outside world. It is an uncomfortable journey but a necessary one. We sometimes see a kid holding on to his tattered blankets, with numerous holes in it. He does not carry it because it gives him warmth but because he finds comfort in that continuity. Most of us hold on to our early ideas and beliefs and do not realise that we are inflicting damage upon ourselves.
I would like to earnestly request you all to write one question in the morning which is “What do I truly believe in? Ponder on this question every morning. In such a process, you will discover the true essence of homecoming, an idea that allows you to reconnect to your core and the beliefs that you hold dear to.

Being a psychologist & a psychotherapist I have come across many people who have faced inhibitions and doubts when seeking mental health help. After seeing the stigma one still faces when seeking help, the idea of "Therapy In A Box" was born.
"Therapy In A Box" is a self-help mental health toolkit designed to make therapy accessible to everyone from the comfort of their homes. Its sole aim is to destigmatise seeking help and at the same time empower individuals with the necessary tools and coping mechanisms.
Physical scars are treatable as they get the required attention at the right time but the same cannot be said for mental scars.
"Therapy In A Box" is a copyrighted product of Thinnk Therapy and is not meant to substitute therapy but to make one familiar with the concept of seeking help and for the time when one cannot attend therapy.
Please visit https://www.thinnktherapy.com/shop or amazon.in for more details

Some stress and anxiety are expected in the face of uncertainty. In limited doses, these emotions are completely normal and healthy. As therapists often say, "I would be more concerned if you weren't worried" but when these feelings get out of control or when they have a negative impact on a person's life, they need to be addressed. Millions of people around the world are experiencing significant life changes, whether from job loss, personal or family health problems, changes to daily routine, isolation or anxiety about the news. Although the year 2020 came as a surprise and greatly affected many plans. Life has to go on with the belief, that "this too shall pass".

The year 2020 has come to an end. Let us take a few moments and put pencil to paper and divide your goals in four segments.
1) Self- what are you hoping to achieve for yourself this year.
2) Community- how can you help the people around you
3) Relationships- Creating bonds that are above and beyond
4) Spiritual- Connecting with self by journaling so we can create more awareness within us and reading good self- help books

Let us be grateful for 2020, I am sure all of us have learnt something and recieved something valuable this year. Let's welcome the coming year with positivity, focusing on our big aspirations and goals.

Life is not about expecting, hoping and wishing, it is about doing, being and becoming.

Wishing you a very Happy new year, filled with growth and success.
(Helpful tip- Add 20 mins of meditation to your daily routine)
Therapy
Preeti Shahal (Psychotherapist & Counselling Psychologist)

We often sweep mental health issues under the rug, societal stigma forces us to ignore our mental health issues in fear of judgement and side gazes, we neglect the overbearing impact of mental health issues. It is important to understand and address mental health issues and raise awareness along these lines. A necessary step towards progress is to acknowledge that mental healworldmentalheathdayth is as important, if not more important than physical health.

“Mental pain is less dramatic than physical pain, but it is more common and also more hard to bear. The frequent attempt to conceal mental pain increases the burden. It is easier to say. “ My tooth is aching” than to say “My heart is broken” - unknown . Situations and time are dynamic and will definitely change. One has to accept, observe and this shall also pass. The burden that we carry due to the challenges are sometimes heavier than any physical pain. We all need to express our emotions like we share our joy, happiness then why not our sadness, anguish. Let us not fear being judged and let our emotions flow like a river. Share with someone in whom you can confide, it can be your friend, your family, a therapist, someone who can take care of your emotions. Do not surrender to your challenges.
What can you do?
1. *LOVE YOURSELF*
Because if you learn to love yourself you will not harm yourself
2. *BE MINDFUL OF YOUR ACTIONS*
3. *DO SOME AWARENESS EXERCISES*
Meditation, Breathing
4. *PRACTISE GRATITUDE*
Maintain a journal/Jar of Gratitude.
5. *AFFIRM NEGATIVE THOUGHTS WITH POSITIVE STATEMENTS*
6. *PLAN YOUR DAY AHEAD*
7. *PURSUE YOUR HOBBIES*

When things get difficult just remember this
_"How cool is it that the same creator who created sunsets and oceans and galaxies thought the world needed one of you"

Preeti Shahal
Counselling psychologist
Psychotherapist