Feel Free Within

Sanne gave me these brilliant socks. Harry Potter inspired as those with a keen eye can tell.

It says:
Master has given Dobby a sock.
Dobby is free!!

These gave me an excellent reason to put my feet up. I don't have to do anything. No longer a slave to productivity.

I am free!!!

❤️
XY

'Lingering thoughts of low times lasting are lies love. Don't doubt the coming of the dawn."

Let this bird remind you that...

There's so much healing happening, not when you achieve a high moment, but when you learn to relax in the low moments.

I'd say have hope, but low times call for something stronger than hope. Hope still carries the energy of doubt.

Lows invite you into a deep trust. A knowing that better days are guaranteed to come around again. You have 100% evidence they will, because they always have.

Now here's the magic...

When you can tune into that trust now, even before you have reason to, you'll feel relief. That relief, however slight, is instant evidence that better times are indeed under way.

❤️
XY

P. S.
Want to learn how to tune into trust regardless of circumstances? Join my free Sedona Circle.

We're currently on pause, but you can sign up through the link in my bio, and be notified when the meetings return. (and they will, trust me 😉)

No need to wait though, DM the word TRUST and I'll be happy to send you a free trust meditation now.

My favorite way to get out of my head and into my heart, is art.

It's a beautiful dance. I create the art, but then the art creates my joy. Not by giving me a result that's nice to look at (though that's a nice bonus), but because it gives me a means to express, to connect, to receive inspiration and act on it. A giving and receiving in the same moment.

It fills me, fuels me, gives me life.

Reminds me of my favorite quote, by Howard Thurman:

"Don't ask yourself what the world needs
Ask what makes you come alive, and do that.
Because what the world needs, is people who have come alive."

Tell me, I'm curious...

What makes you connect alive?

I'd love to hear.

❤️

XY

" Tu-can do this."

I made this art-let as a memento to our trip. It incorporates the entry ticket, the restaurant receipt, stamps from the tour, and of course... A picture of a tucan from the flyer.

I read it as: two can do this.
It reminds me that we're in this together.
We all are. None of us need to do it alone. We're made to connect. Meant to walk each other home.

So here's to you.
Thank you for walking this path beside me.
Honored to be on the journey with you.
❤️
XY

Because sometimes we can all use the reminder...

there's so much beauty around, so much life to savor and enjoy.

All it takes is a moment.

A moment to get out of our head, away from the struggles it presents and get present instead.

Just by changing the way you look at things, your whole experience of life can shift. Even when nothing in your circumstances changed yet.

That's a miracle.
A miracle is a change in perspective.

I asked for such a miracle a few days ago and suddenly the name of this place popped in my head.

It took less than a minute to book tickets and decide to go the next day. Making it a surprise for my girlfriend for added joy.

And just like that, instead of struggling we're celebrating. Instead of life feeling heavy, we feel as light as the butterflies we met.

So much beauty.
So much joy.

All at our fingertips.

So here's to life.
To beauty.
To magic
And every day miracles.

❤️
XY

There's someone I'd like you to meet!
Here's my girlfriend Sanne.

See, the reason I've been absent from Instagram, is that I've been more present to my life.

Over the past few months we've developed the most beautiful relationship.

It took some doing to let it in though.

Some undoing actually.

We both had to unravel many layers of trauma, conditioning, and old patterns in order to allow it in. To even open to the very idea.
Not gonna lie. It was intense.

It took some unpacking, but now I see it's the most incredible gift I've ever received.

I feel seen,
held,
and loved in ways I never have before.

I feel so blessed 🥰

It's been a long journey, but this is the most incredible reward.

If you're reading this and find yourself in the thick of it still. Let this be your reminder that we're not on the healing to learn to tolerate pain, but we release the pain to allow in more joy.

Onwards we go.
To more joy.

❤️
XY

This is how it started.
One of the earlier layers.
It looks nothing like that anymore.
It transformed completely several times now.
Every layer contributed to how it now looks now.

It's a challenge not to get attached to some of the details. A constant call to courage to let go again and again.

Kind of like life.

My life looks nothing like it once did.
Transformed completely compared to just a year ago.
Everything I lived contributed to the life I'm living now. Everything added to my becoming. Even the most painful parts wound up adding in beautiful ways to the layers of me.

I'll admit, the call to courage is greater when it comes to my life. Harder to let go, to embrace change, to make new choices. At times it takes everything I got to keep going.

So today,
I remind myself that I am the artist. Brush in hand. And every choice I make shapes my life.

No idea where it will take me.
No clue what the end result will look like.

But when keep following my heart, and keep choosing love, the result cannot be anything but beautiful.

♥️

XY

I open a journal at the exact message I need.
Feeling loved and supported by my past self who wrote this note:

What would resting from a place of power look like?

And what if that power was love?

Using this cue now.
❤️ Listening to soft music
❤️ Rocking and swaying to assist my body in releasing tension
❤️Doing less, creating space
❤️Drawing and painting to invite joy

🥰Loving the way I love myself. I can call on me for help.

H. E. L. P.

Healing heaviness through
Ease
Lightness, and
Play

🙏❤️
XY

I glance down at my wrist and I smile⁠
thinking:⁠
⁠
transformation complete⁠
⁠
I've been in a cocoon for a while⁠
in deep integration⁠
dissolving old patterns⁠
letting go of who I was⁠
calling me home to myself⁠
in order to become who I truly am⁠
⁠
ready now to emerge⁠
show who I've become⁠
⁠
ready to to be present to what's present⁠
to all the magic that is available to me in every moment⁠
⁠
ready to be present here on IG⁠
and share what is wanting to pour of\ut of me.⁠
⁠
ready to present my powerful presence⁠
me being me, all of it, unapologetically⁠
⁠
in awe of this magical, ever ongoing process⁠
of becoming.⁠
⁠
becoming me⁠
becoming free⁠
⁠
🦋⁠
XY⁠
⁠
⁠
⁠
⁠
⁠
⁠
⁠

Knowing everything is unfolding at its own pace and everything I need comes to me at the right time...

Why would I ever be impatient?
Why do I insist on getting "there" fast?

I'm reminding myself once more...
Faster isn't better.
Gradual is gentler.
Slow is more satisfying.

And right place, right time the most delicious.

And so...
I let myself be where I am.
Remind myself I get to relax.
Rest and chill is what I most want.
I'm allowed to lean back for once.

THAT is better than the best laid plans.
THAT is what is offered to me right now.
THAT is what it's the right time and place for.

And...
When I lean in...
It truly is delicious.

❤️
XY

"I'm starting to believe that this could be the start of something good."

I looked at this flower and I heard this line from a song by Daughtry that's been playing in my head.

I've been moving through several major life transitions and it's been intense. My fears have been loud. Scared shirtless at times at what might go wrong, what else I might lose.

Now...
I'm coming more and more home to myself. I feel rooted in my own being and have a deeper trust in my intuition. A good feel for what's next for me... Without clinging to the details or needing to know what and who and where and how.

Releasing control while feeling a sense of agency over my life.

I looked at this flower and I could feel its loving nudge. Telling me, that this next chapter of my life, just like this flower is the start of something (really, really) good.

❤️🌱🌹
XY

I used to look for reasons to tell you my story. Leading with my trauma.

Looking to impress. Seeking praise for how well I was handling it.

Letting it define me.

Now I know.
My story doesn't define me. I define me.

So...
I no longer want to tell you my story.
I'd rather show you who I decided to become because of it.

❤️
XY

I lost my way to the forest, again!
It pi**ed me off!

😡 I found my way countless times before. How can I get lost, when I should be able to find it. Easily!

Enter judgment. Anger. Resistance.

Life was showing me.
With crystal clarity.
What I do in life.

It's not about the park.

It's about the weight I put on getting things right. And this idea I have that if I can do it once I should be able to do it: All. The. Time.

If I can't, I'll judge myself.

Making decisions into high stakes poker.
Giving me reason to avoid raising the bar on anything, just to avoid the added pressure.

Thanks life.
I noticed.
And I'll let it go.

It's safe to raise the bar, now that I make it safe to fail to reach it.

❤️
XY

A castle!

Just around the block from my home.
Didn't even know it was there.

Oh the joyful things you can find when you dare explore in a new direction.
🥰

A little note to myself as I venture into many unknowns in this current phase of my life.

No idea where the path leads.
Don't yet know what might happen.
But I trust I'm going to like it when I get there.

Wanna know why?
Because I love how I feel now. I love the steps I'm taking. The journey is joy so the destination must be too.

❤️
XY

To my past selves...
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.

Thank you for being brave enough to come into this life with such powerful intentions.

Thank you for being willing to g(r)o(w) through what you went through, because it helped give birth to the life I have now.

Thank you for being willing to experience anxiety, loneliness and depression, because it helped break me open to such deep connection that I am moved to tears in gratitude.

Thank you for your willingness to experience pain, it opened me to more joy than I can fathom.

Thank you for the courage to get lost, because as a result I'm finding myself again and again.

Thank you.
I bow to you.
I love you.

🥰

❤️
XY

I'm done.
Done spinning in old patterns.
Done stalling on my dreams.
Done hiding in smallness.
Done snoozing my way through life.

I'm ready.

Ready to
Believe in my potential.
Move with my desires.
Step into my power.
Wake the hell up, and live.

Ready
to come alive.

Now.

❤️
XY

Magic!

I made my mood this morning (as I do every morning) and I find myself looking out the window into the garden.

Thought: Oh, I'd like to get started on my veggie garden! I'd like to have mom assist though...

Minutes later...
My mom messages me in a way she rarely does.

I take it as a cue and ask her to assist.
She agrees and not two hours later we've got our hands in the dirt.

Magically it's all coming together with a speed and an ease I wouldn't have thought possible. Everything I needed was there or came to me.

There were signals from the universe it would take ages to explain yet are brilliant in their simplicity. 🤯Obvious miracles. 💯

This is now my life.
Playing with the universe.
Feeling beyond blessed.

How does it get better than this?
(and now I lean back as I watch how it does)
🥰

❤️
XY

Sleep is great when it happens.
But when it doesn't...
I can either entertain thoughts of how it shouldn't be like that and suffer...
Or I can let it be and enjoy.

Sweet dreams are nice.
Not creating my own nightmare is better.
Enjoy being awake is the best.

Loving the dream.
The dream is to live.

Was awake all night. Barely slept a wink.

No worries. Had a great time.

Didn't make it mean anything.
Wasn't thinking about how it would affect the next day. In any way.

Didn't make it wrong.
Instead, I let it be alright.
And it was.
It really was.

🙃🤗
XY

I refuse to forgive myself.

Forgiving myself implies that some past version of me did something wrong.
She didn't.
She couldn't have.

Because she (I/we) has always done everything she could with what she had.

I won't make her wrong. I don't forgive her because there's nothing to forgive.

Instead I take the blame off the table. I say I'm sorry I judged you. (because blame, anger, judgment, shame happens due to old programs)
Then I ask her to forgive ME.

That is how I show my parts that we can move forward safely and not be so afraid of making mistakes.

This is not a one and done. I repeat this often and will keep doing this as long as I need to.

I can't make a mistake.
I can't get it wrong.
I can only make a decision and then perhaps find out later I don't like the result. Or discover my actions affected me or someone in a way I didn't anticipate or want. None of that is wrong.

It's just input that helps me decide what I want now.

And right now?

I want to free myself from the fear of making mistakes and just live. To make a glorious mess if that's what happens. Anything is better than hiding and not deciding at all in order to feel safe from mistakes.

THAT to me is the only way to fail. To fail to show up. Fail to try.

I don't forgive.
I understand that unwanted results happen, and when they do I will decide on how to make repairs when needed.

First and foremost, I repair the relationship with myself.

Dear heart, dear parts:

I'm sorry.
Please forgive me.
Thank you.
I love you.

❤️
XY

Spent the day with my niece Ella yesterday and visited the local toy museum.

We had such a blast.

Playing. Building. Experimenting. Going on a treasure hunt throughout the museum.

Surprise and delight at every turn.

This is the joy of life.
🥰

XY

Like me. Love me. Tend to my needs for me.

That's the energy I used to bring to this place.

Seeking approval. Validation.
Wanting to be seen, yet continueing to feel invisible no matter how many responses I got.

Social media was not a place I found real connection, because my approach to it left me feeling disconnected from myself.

It took some (Un)doing to release this, but now I feel ready to return and use this space in a new way.

Now...
I like me.
I love me.
I'm tending to my needs and Source myself from within.

When I connect to myself I already have everything I need. Love. Safety. Belonging. All within my control. Control not through controlling, but through the power of my choice. My choice to align with life itself. Align with my true power. The power to recognize I AM life itself seeking to express itself through me.

Expressing all parts of me. That's why I'm here, and what I'm here for on IG.

I'll slip into old patterns. I'll compare myself, feel less than, and shrink again. None of that is a problem, let alone a mistake. It's all part of the dance. That too is allowed to be expressed.

It's ALL part of it. Part of me, and allowed to be. That's why I'm here. To say with every post:

This is me.

❤️
XY

P. S.
In the spirit of honesty...
I don't need you to like me, or agree with me. I do however invite you to engage with me. Share with me your heart, your truth.

Let's remake this place and return it to its original intention: for connection.
❤️

The number one key to self healing?
Self-awareness.

Why?
Because you can't change what you're not aware of.
Without awareness you'll get stuck in the same loops in your brains, having the same reactions and nothing changes in your experience.

But...
What to do next?

How to then navigate what you're aware of?

Tune in for that and so much more in my juicy, and powerful conversation with Summer Barker

Right here on IG live!
Tomorrow!!

Mark your calendars.
It'll be recorded, but of it'll be so much more fun if you tune in live.

We'd love to have you join in on the conversation.

See you tomorrow!
10.00 PST
13.00 ET
19.00 CET

❤️
XY

I’ve been blind to it. Unwilling to see it.

But I see it now.

I can see clearly.

I can see that:

 

I have been arguing for my limitations

Catering to coping mechanisms

Stuck in, stuck by, and stuck to my smallness

Addicted to unhappiness

Lingering in laziness.

Failing to show up for my life, my dreams

Failing people who matter to me.

 

Let me be clear.

This is NOT beating myself up.

This is NOT me being hard on myself.

This is observation.

This is honesty.

 

I understand why it happened.

I understand these patterns were driven by loops in my brain, created by trauma responses.

I understand this is not my “fault”.

 

But it sure as F is my responsibility to now see it, own it, and do something about it.

First up:

Meet my guilt and shame. Not because the guilt and shame need to be there, but because they’re already here. Another automated response.

Holding myself in love as I sit with the shame.

Then:

I meet it. Greet it. And then…I release it.

I let it go.

I let it go and love myself into a new choice.

 

Stay tuned for the evidence of that.

❤️
XY

 

 

I'm being referred to as the dog in the family. Sitting in the back seat.

And you know what?
It's far more comfy than it looks.

I love it here.
I get to claim the lowest seat in the house.

That's right.
I "GET TO" claim the low seat in the house.

It's liberating.

Don't get me wrong... It's humbling too. (Not in the car, but metaphorically)

Humbling to admit where I actually am.

I still catch myself in the shame of it sometimes.

But really it's freaking freeing.

No more trying to be somewhere I'm not.

No more trying to stretch myself constantly in order to reach these impossible standards I imposed on myself.

No more needing to prove myself.

No more fear of falling short of an ideal.

When I relax in my low, I can fully rest.
In owning my low, there's no room for shame.

In my low, I can just be me.
All of me.

Others can think what they want now.
There's nothing to prove.
No need to prove my worth to anyone as I embrace that even at my low, I am magnificent.

This is where confidence and humility meet.
This is true relaxation.
This is Freedom.

❤️
XY