The Couples Institute

Join Ellyn Bader, PhD, and Brian Spielmann for a FREE webinar: "A Critical Conversation: Protecting the Integrity of Clinical Practice."

🗓 Date: August 15, 2024
⏰ Time: 4pm PDT / 7pm EDT

In this live webinar, hosted by the Academy of Therapy Wisdom, Brian Spielmann will discuss with Ellyn Bader her powerful article, "Is the Soul of Therapy For Sale? When Private Equity Infiltrates Our Practice."

This essential conversation will explore the impact of private equity on therapy practices, the commodification of mental health services, and what this means for you as a mental health professional.

Don't miss this opportunity to:

🔹 Learn from Ellyn’s personal experience about the risks of private equity in therapy
🔹 Equip yourself with knowledge to protect your practice and maintain ethical standards
🔹 Engage in a community dialogue on safeguarding the future of ethical clinical practice

Click here to register and join the conversation!
https://go.therapywisdom.com/t?orid=49639&opid=119

Implement this micro-training in your practice this week.

As therapists, we hear the outrageous demands people make (on their partners and on us) all the time. Sound
familiar?

In fact, this issue is so prevalent and our interventions have been so effective at addressing it that we created a free micro-training about it.

It’s specifically designed to help therapists get a “quick win” by implementing the info they learn right away in their practice.

“What Do You Say When™ a Client Makes Narcissistic or Entitled Demands on You or Their Partner in Session?” includes:

✅ 20-minute role play video
✅ 4-page PDF guide
✅ Word-for-word script to use with couples
✅ Additional free training opportunities if you enjoy working with the Developmental Model

Click link in bio to get it free today!

"Couples therapy is challenging. It takes risk, openness, and a willingness to look at the uncomfortable and ineffective parts of ourselves." - Dr. Ellyn Bader

With over three decades of experience in couples therapy, Dr. Ellyn Bader continues to inspire therapists and couples worldwide to embrace growth and transformation.

Ellyn and Pete celebrating their anniversary...

A while ago I was thinking about specific challenges that can come up in our work with couples – ones that may require us to go “off script” and take a more nuanced approach to therapy. In particular, I’ve been thinking about cases where at least one partner is entrenched in one personality adaptation.

So I wrote a blog post about the work of Paul Ware, MD, and Vann Joines, PhD, in defining six specific personality adaptations and the 3-door model that allows us to connect with clients according to their personality adaptation type. With this awareness we want to start connecting with clients through their open door.

Working with The Brilliant Skeptic or Paranoid Adaptation - Couples Institute A while ago I was thinking about specific challenges that can come up in our work with couples – ones that may require us to go “off script” and take a more nuanced approach to therapy. In particular, I’ve been thinking about cases where at least one partner is entrenched…

Note from Ellyn: A member of our Advanced training group recently shared some observations with me about two of my very favorite topics: the Developmental Model of Couples Therapy and Tennis! I asked her to write them up and I am pleased to post them for you here. And how could I resist Sally’s poem? Such a clever way to capture the puzzle of these ideas, while solving puzzles of rhyme and rhythm at the same time.

Whatever your hobby or avocation might be, I bet you can find similar wisdom in your experience.

CLICK HERE TO LEARN MORE ABOUT THE DEVELOPMENTAL MODEL OF COUPLES THERAPY -

The Art of the Developmental Model – and of Tennis - Couples Institute A member of our Advanced training group recently shared some observations with me about two of my very favorite topics: the Developmental Model of Couples Therapy and Tennis!

Anxiety, anger, and jealousy are emotions I see often in many of the couples I have worked with over the years, and I’m sure it’s no different in your practice. Untangling the roots of these feelings and helping couples adopt strategies to deal with them becomes a central challenge for you.

CLICK HERE TO LEARN MORE:

Helping couples realize it takes two to manage long-standing pain - Couples Institute Anxiety, anger, and jealousy are emotions I see often in many of the couples I have worked with over the years, and I’m sure it’s no different in your practice. Untangling the roots of these feelings and helping couples adopt strategies to deal with them becomes a central challenge for…

In my previous blog, I started showing you the elegance of using Gestalt two-chair work to transform self-absorbed parts of your clients. With self-absorbed partners, it’s important to recognize that self-absorption is an intrapsychic problem and that you will want to focus intrapsychically in many sessions. It’s also important to note that, during therapy, the spouse often takes the self-absorption personally and describes it as an interpersonal issue.

Creating Intrapsychic Change in Self-Absorbed Partners - Couples Institute In my previous blog, I started showing you the elegance of using Gestalt two-chair work to transform self-absorbed parts of your clients. With self-absorbed partners, it’s important to recognize that self-absorption is an intrapsychic problem and that you will want to focus intrapsychically in man...

When we begin working with a couple, it’s important to communicate our commitment to supporting relationship growth. Both partners need to see that, in order for the relationship to grow, it’s going to take individual change from each of them. It's going to take recognizing what they're each doing that's been getting in the way of relationship growth. Each partner can start to see that they're contributing to the standoff.Grounding Our Interventions

Intimacy Avoidance Comes with Externalization and Blame - Couples Institute In spring of 2018 I wrote a blog post about the cycle of externalization and blame. This dynamic is a familiar one for couples therapists because so many of the couples who come to see us organize their relationship issues around external symptoms or problems.How many times have you heard…

We are so excited to see our Mentor Program 2024 participants next weekend in San Francisco! Here's a photo from our first meeting of the year (January 2024) where each mentee created a mini poster illustrating a word that captured how they were thinking about the upcoming year.

It feels great to help future-proof a couple’s unique relationship by helping them know where things will likely go wrong BEFORE they happen.

Partners may be dating, engaged, recently
married, or thinking about living together; regardless, the prime time to learn what it takes to build a resilient long-term relationship is early in their commitment.

Relationship / Marriage Preparation - Couples Institute Partners may be dating, engaged, recently married, or thinking about living together; regardless, the prime time to learn what it takes to build a resilient long-term relationship is early in their commitment.

Surprising Medical Study: Is Your Marriage Like Poison Ivy? It's a common notion that our beliefs profoundly affect our lives. And this article presented the kind of verification that psychologists seek when attempting to prove that notion. The evidence was detailed in the “Kyousha Journal of Medical Science.”

CLICK HERE TO READ MORE: https://www.couplesinstitute.com/surprising-medical-study-is-your-marriage-like-poison-ivy

Many therapists are drawn to doing psychotherapy in order to be helpers and also because we enjoy the closeness with our clients. Individual therapy can be calming and comfortable. It feels good and we often like the experience of providing support and unconditional positive regard to our clients. I don’t mean to imply that individual therapy is without its difficult confrontations. But in individual therapy, our clients can titrate how slowly or quickly they inform us about their “dark side”.

READ MORE ABOUT COUPLES WORK HERE: https://www.couplesinstitute.com/fear-of-couples-therapy/"

Couples’ Fights: What Is One Big Common Denominator? Couples fight for many reasons. Yet, at the heart of most fights are violated expectations. There is a significant difference between expectations and desires and it is this difference that causes much painful struggling in couples relationships. Expectations have a “should” quality implied about them.

CLICK HERE TO LEARN MORE: https://www.couplesinstitute.com/couples-fights-what-is-one-big-common-denominator/

Regression and its Impact in Couples Therapy. Regressed partners in couples therapy often demand that either you or their partner focus on them. At times, attending to and even promoting regression can facilitate change. However, often it is counterproductive and reinforces patterns that keep the couple stuck.

CLICK HERE TO READ MORE: https://www.couplesinstitute.com/regression-and-its-impact-in-couples-therapy/

"Felony Lies" and More. At the end of last month’s post, I asked you to think about a couple’s unfolding history and share how you would structure treatment after disclosure of an affair and a history of lies and deceit. What might you say to them at the end of the first session?

And what would be some considerations for you in structuring the next session?

CLICK HERE TO READ MORE:

Felony Lies - Couples Institute At the end of last month’s post, I asked you to think about a couple’s unfolding history and share how you would structure treatment after disclosure of an affair and a history of lies and deceit. What might you say to them at the end of the first session? And…

Lies to the Self, Lies to the Partner and Lies to the Therapist. When working with a couple in the aftermath of infidelity, how do you approach lies and a history of deception? When is a lie “just a little white lie” and when is it much more serious?

Is it a common pattern of deception, does it represent a developmental issue, or is it a character issue? How likely is it that a partner will continue lying to you? Does that change what you do and, if so, how?

READ MORE BY CLICKING THIS LINK:

Lies to the Self, Lies to the Partner and Lies to the Therapist - Couples Institute When working with a couple in the aftermath of infidelity, how do you approach lies and a history of deception? When is a lie “just a little white lie” and when is it much more serious? Is it a common pattern of deception, does it represent a developmental issue, or…

Ellyn and Pete’s daughter Molly shares here a fun adventure she and her partner recently embarked upon. We hope you’ll try it out yourself and consider sharing it:

Click here to learn more:

The Ultimate Adventure Challenge for Couples - Couples Institute I’m going to tell you something I probably shouldn’t… I’m quite bad at most things. I don’t make my bed every morning – or wash my sheets regularly (shhh, don’t tell my boyfriend 😬. I’m no good at keeping track of everything on my to do list. I can’t draw…

In Today's blog, we’re examining a session with a volatile couple that quickly escalate and change topics. They don’t listen well to each other. They have a long history of accusing each other and wanting the other partner to be accountable for behavior while they themselves yell, criticize, demean and take pot shots. They are often spiteful and nasty. They want to work it out, but are pessimistic.

CLICK HERE TO READ MORE: https://www.couplesinstitute.com/unexpected-opening-for-confronting-hypocrisy/

A common scenario that many of us see in our practices is the over-functioning wife with the anxious-avoidant husband. He is a highly anxious procrastinator and is often not accountable for what he says he will do. Working with this dynamic can be challenging because of the extensive intrapsychic issues that exist with the longstanding painful pattern of avoidance and criticism between the two partners.

Click this link to read more: https://www.couplesinstitute.com/building-effective-collaboration-highly-anxious-client/

Do Your Couples Get High From Cheating? CLICK HERE TO READ MORE: https://www.couplesinstitute.com/couples-get-high-cheating/

When one or more sources of trauma are present, the effects may accumulate in a way that can be hard to grasp. This is why experts have created numerous tests and tools to help clinicians construct a clearer picture. These include the Adverse Childhood Experiences scale, which helps predict long-term mental health consequences of an individual’s early experiences. The ACE scale is helpful in understanding complex trauma, in which multiple traumatic events leave adults struggling to achieve a clear sense of self due to profound troubles early in life

Couples and Trauma, Part 2: Red flags that may reveal a troubled past - Couples Institute Red flags that signal trauma in a partner’s past. Insights from The Couples Institute, the leading resource for marriage & couples therapists.

In my previous blog, I started showing you the elegance of using Gestalt two-chair work to transform self-absorbed parts of your clients. With self-absorbed partners, it’s important to recognize that self-absorption is an intrapsychic problem and that you will want to focus intrapsychically in many sessions. It’s also important to note that, during therapy, the spouse often takes the self-absorption personally and describes it as an interpersonal issue.

Click Here to read more: https://www.couplesinstitute.com/self-absorbed-partners-four

Intrapsychic Impasses with Self-Absorbed Partners, Part 3.

Click Here to Read: https://www.couplesinstitute.com/self-absorbed-partners-three/

As relationships grow and develop, we often see couples who have gotten stuck in a particular developmental stage. When you approach couples therapy from a developmental framework, you can assess and diagnose each partner's developmental stage and use stage-specific interventions to help both move into the next stage.

Working with Couples Who Are Stuck – How The Developmental Model Helps You - Couples Institute As relationships grow and develop, we often see couples who have gotten stuck in a particular developmental stage.In a previous blog post, I outlined what I see as the normal, predictable stages of couples relationships development. If you missed it, you can check it out here.When you approach coupl...

The Self-Absorbed Partner, Video Two.Click Here to Watch:

The Self-Absorbed Partner, Video Two - Couples Institute Click here to better understand the many challenges self-absorbed partners create for couples therapists. Here's what you'll learn: what happens when attention is not focused on the self-absorbed partner the primary orientation of self-absorbed partners what self-absorbed partners actually do well s...

The Self-Absorbed Partner, Video One. Click Here to Watch

The Self-Absorbed Partner, Video One - Couples Institute Click below to watch this video about the troublesome traits of the self-absorbed partner. You’ll want to make sure and catch the following… 2:38, a confession about my counter-transference 3:45, two examples of self-absorbed partners 5:00, how self-absorbed partners behave 7:25, why self-absorp...

Sooner or later you will encounter a situation where one partner is aggressively triggered in your office. They explode after hearing an unexpected comment. At that point they are flooded with emotion and become explosively furious. They often just want to “express their rage” and they definitely don’t want to be interrupted. Painful Interactions Are Defining Moments in Couples Therapy.

CLICK HERE TO READ MORE: https://www.couplesinstitute.com/painful-interactions-defining-moments/

At the risk of starting this blog sounding sexist, there are two common areas of regression I’ve seen in men and women over many years working with couples. Women often dig in and want to be taken care of financially. Men often regress and want to be taken care of at home. They may resist participating in household chores or child rearing.

Click here to look at some specific confrontations you might use in a session: https://www.couplesinstitute.com/4-confrontation-financial-irresponsibility/

Some partners just stubbornly refuse to be accountable for their own role in a mutual mess and you find yourself going in circles in therapy sessions. Perhaps they are resistant to your best explanations, insights, interpretations and confrontations. Asking about their goals or what they are willing to change yields trivial results. We have all been there. Now what?

How to Stop Going in Circles with an Entrenched Couple - Couples Institute Some partners just stubbornly refuse to be accountable for their own role in a mutual mess and you find yourself going in circles in therapy sessions. Perhaps they are resistant to your best explanations, insights, interpretations and confrontations. Asking about their goals or what they are willing...