Raaha

The first thing you need to learn about setting boundaries is that the person who is angry at you for setting boundaries is the one with the problem and is the reason why you needed to set boundaries in the first place. When you don't set boundaries, it gives other people the power over your own life, and that can lead you to feel frustrated and resentful.

Boundaries are not set to control others. Boundaries with people who know none threatens their ego, they take it as a personal attack instead of taking it as a good thing that will protect the relationship. Many people tell me "I've set boundaries but he/she hasn't changed." Boundaries are not made to change people. They are set for you to control you. "I won't accept being sworn at, if you continue to trash talk me I will end this conversation" is a boundary, it's whether you implement it after setting it that counts. If you don't implement it you are teaching them to continue to disrespect you and like your words don't count.

Saying no assertively and respectfully is also a boundary. People-pleasing habits, saying yes when you really mean no, taking on more than you have capacity for because you fear saying no and upsetting people, and needing to over explain yourself to people who have a history of not respecting your boundaries will burn you out and have you feeling depleted.

Boundaries are healthy and required to sustain healthy relationships with healthy people. Only dysfunctional people view otherwise.

Some Introspection

{"You need to go to therapy" is not the best way to encourage someone to go to therapy.}⁣⁣
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With all the stigma around mental health, it can be hard to suggest therapy. ⁣⁣
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Suggesting therapy to a friend, co-worker, or family is beneficial because you remove yourself as the helper. ⁣⁣
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{Consider the suggestions above as alternatives to "you need therapy."} ⁣

Tuesday thoughts

Allowing yourself to experience self-compassion is a powerful tool in transforming your relationship with yourself, others and even with Allah (more on this in another post).

Self-criticism affects those around us in significant ways. When you look in the mirror and criticize your reflection, it's harder to be patient when your child spills a glass of milk. When you beat yourself up for the error you made at work, it's harder to manage a discussion with your spouse without becoming critical. Negativity toward yourself inevitably spreads outward.

The harsher we are toward ourselves, the harsher we tend to be toward others. Use self-compassion as a starting point to imbue kindness into your life and into the lives of those around you.

Do I have to obey my parents?

I find this question to be misplaced. It is a question that is less about religion and more about the filters we wear when we hear the word “obedience”. Oftentimes, it is what is underneath this question that offers a solution.

Instead of answering this question, I might have a person ask themselves the following questions:

- Does being 'dutiful' and 'obedient' mean that I must protect my parent from every discomfort and negative feeling? Am I disobedient if my parent is unhappy with me? Am I hindering this person’s growth process by protecting them from seeing their own flaws?

- Is what I am doing “people-pleasing”, or trying to protect how they see me? Is this really a matter of my own self-confidence? Do I need their approval to believe that I am a “good enough” person?

- Do I believe that I must treat my parents as if they are my children? Do I believe in the myth that people become “like children” as they age? Is this more a matter of my social programming than actual reality? Am I doing things for my parent that they can do for themselves?

- If my parents are elderly and incapacitated, how much responsibility do I need to shoulder before it becomes a burden? If I choose to seek help to caretake them, do I see myself as deficient? Am I able to communicate my capabilities? Are they received well or am I guilted into doing more?

- Was I taught to sacrifice my needs in favor of my parent’s needs? Am I overextending myself out of guilt because growing up my parents sacrificed their needs and now they want me to return the favor?

- Am I playing the hero who needs to save everyone? Do I enjoy feeling special, needed, or admired when I take care of others? Do I inadvertently keep people in a victim position instead of empowering them to take care of themselves?

- Does obedience mean sacrificing my physical or mental health especially if I feel that growing up my parents did not meet my needs or protect me from harm (in the cases of abuse and trauma)? Does obedience mean submitting myself to physical or emotional harm by them if I do not do as they say?

- Do my parents use obedience to control me? Do they mention their rank and their rights to get their needs met?

- Does obedience mean I must agree with everything my parents say and follow their way or the highway? Does my agreement with them or silence to oppression translate as loyalty? Or do I allow myself to disagree and set healthy boundaries while still being connected to them?

- Does obeying my parents mean that I am supposed to be “perfect”, and only with their approval and blessings will I believe that I am a good enough human being?

- Am I over-functioning and becoming their parent, instead of just focusing on being their son/daughter? Does being the caretaker for a parent mean taking care of every need, or can I expect them to take care of the things that they are capable of doing?

- Does obeying my parents and being the “best” to them mean that I have to do things exactly the way they want? Or can I just be “good enough” and maintain my responsibilities? Ex. cooking food exactly how they want vs just cooking food; or giving them a large share of my money vs giving them how much money they need, or as much as I am capable of giving without neglecting my other responsibilities.

- Do I tell myself that I am a “bad Muslim” if I don’t do things the way my parents tell me? If restoring balance in my life means giving less to my parents, do I tell myself that I am deficient, flawed, or sinful?

With many of these questions, the answer is “it depends on the situation” and requires analyzing the situation deeply. It is not a clear-cut yes or no answer. As therapists, we see that the question most often arises from past trauma, authoritarian parenting styles, abuse culture, and is less about the underlying meaning of the Islamic ruling. Once those filters are cleared, and a person is on a path of healing, it is easier to understand the intent behind the ruling, and the exceptions that might apply to their situation.

We need to take off our filters of abuse, trauma, codependency, and perfectionism, and understand what is underneath these questions. In a healthy situation where needs are mutually fulfilled, their healthy trust and family members can feel both connected and protected, there is a natural inclination towards treating others with value, especially our parents. Also, it is easier to take care of someone who admits their vulnerability, is actively growing, and can admit their past shortcomings. But when we have been deprived, and things are out of balance, we struggle with “the rules”. Islam is not black and white, superficial, or devoid of mercy for all. Let’s learn to see Islam raw and unfiltered.

Children are not the face of this pandemic. But they risk being among its biggest victims, as children’s lives are nonetheless being changed in profound ways.

“When it comes to having a painful feeling, the only way out is through.

Let them,
Go ahead and be sad, cry if they must and they’ll start to feel better faster.”

While you hold space for them!

Love does not hurt. Love does not equal pain.

When we start to think that something should hurt and that we have to endure, we lose sight of real love.

Love does not cost you your mental health.

The Problem is the Problem
If you or someone you love struggles with substance misuse or an addiction disorder, it’s important to explore the contribution that childhood trauma or ACEs might be making.
And addiction isn’t the problem – it often starts as a symptom

The problem is the problem – traumatic experiences in childhood might be the problem that your substance use is trying to “fix”.

"Everyone tells me that I should be happy, but I am crying all the time and feeling guilt, shame and hopelessness; no one in the world understands what I am going through"!

Becoming a new parent is stressful, and some difficulty adjusting to your new role and to your new baby is to be expected. Feelings can range from joy and excitement to exhaustion, stress and moodiness.

These overwhelming thoughts can lead to can lead to a premature or low-weight birth, and can prevent a mother from properly bonding with or caring for her child.

If you or someone you know is experiencing these symptoms, help is available. Reach out to us for online sessions at 0091 9632219806
Or write to us at [email protected]

Abstain from media

As we welcome the blessed month and Find our healing, Ramadan Kareem!

You have to understand the revolution Islam brought for women’s self worth and the worth men recognized in women. In the pre-Revelation era, women were inherited like property, men buried their baby daughters alive.

And then within two decades, women went from being inherited like objects to being inheritors. To owning businesses and economic agency. To being involved politically (think: bayah to the Prophet ﷺ in making hijrah, actively participating in wars and taking care of the wounded, being consulted in and witnesses of major political decisions and so much more).

A daughter went from being a burden to becoming a means of entering Paradise if cared for and honored by her father. Women asked about and explained the fiqh of intimacy, not shamed in claiming their rights. They went from not having their voices acknowledged societally to having the Quran itself revealed in response to a woman whispering her complaint about her husband. A woman learned her worth was not connected to a comparison of herself with men, but that her worth was connected to God.

And imagine the shift for men. In just the span of a generation, men went from laughing at women to the powerful statement of Omar radi Allahu anhu: “By God, when we were in ignorance, we didn’t think of women until God revealed about them what He revealed and divided for them what was divided.” (Bukhari and Muslim)

Now, women were made counterparts by mandate of the Prophet of God ‎ﷺ himself, “Indeed women are partners of men.” (Abu Dawud)

Today, the shameful marginalization of women in some Muslim communities rival the times of ignorance in pre-Islamic Arabia, at times isolating her even in the architecture and infrastructure - not in what is often constructed to be the houses of men- but are actually the Houses of GOD.

But if women companions could find their worth and voices amplified, and if men companions could go from burying their daughters to recognizing women’s honor in just the span of two decades with the right accountability, commitment and mentorship-

Then imagine where we could be as an ummah if we truly returned to the teachings of the Divine Revelation and Prophetic narrations today.

Maryam Amir

You have to understand the revolution Islam brought for women’s self worth and the worth men recognized in women. In the pre-Revelation era, women were inherited like property, men buried their baby daughters alive.

And then within two decades, women went from being inherited like objects to being inheritors. To owning businesses and economic agency. To being involved politically (think: bayah to the Prophet ﷺ in making hijrah, actively participating in wars and taking care of the wounded, being consulted in and witnesses of major political decisions and so much more).

A daughter went from being a burden to becoming a means of entering Paradise if cared for and honored by her father. Women asked about and explained the fiqh of intimacy, not shamed in claiming their rights. They went from not having their voices acknowledged societally to having the Quran itself revealed in response to a woman whispering her complaint about her husband. A woman learned her worth was not connected to a comparison of herself with men, but that her worth was connected to God.

And imagine the shift for men. In just the span of a generation, men went from laughing at women to the powerful statement of Omar radi Allahu anhu: “By God, when we were in ignorance, we didn’t think of women until God revealed about them what He revealed and divided for them what was divided.” (Bukhari and Muslim)

Now, women were made counterparts by mandate of the Prophet of God ‎ﷺ himself, “Indeed women are partners of men.” (Abu Dawud)

Today, the shameful marginalization of women in some Muslim communities rival the times of ignorance in pre-Islamic Arabia, at times isolating her even in the architecture and infrastructure - not in what is often constructed to be the houses of men- but are actually the Houses of GOD.

But if women companions could find their worth and voices amplified, and if men companions could go from burying their daughters to recognizing women’s honor in just the span of two decades with the right accountability, commitment and mentorship-

Then imagine where we could be as an ummah if we truly returned to the teachings of the Divine Revelation and Prophetic narrations today.

Maryam Amir

The best gift you can give your children is your own healing. Period.

Do you have a friend or family member who is controlled by a spouse — isolated, degraded, and micromanaged?

This is a deep rooted issue that I’m witnessing within our muslim communities, especially during marital *conflict* management sessions.

Controlling people often demean or criticise others as a means of building themselves up and appearing superior and in control. In fact a controlling person is easy to spot from the constant monologue about how immature, rotten, stupid, evil, ridiculous, annoying, everyone else is (presumably they’re never any of these things).

A good faith based relationship is when two people accept each other’s past, support each other’s present, and love each other enough to encourage each other’s future. So to all couples encourage your partner to grow, don’t suffocate them, allow them to go out in this world and trust that they will come back. This is what true love is all about.

~Qasim Rafique

Every person has a story and each person's voice matters. There is power in reflecting on your journey and sharing that in a safe and courageous space.

We often think the topic of emotional well-being is ignored within Islamic tradition. The reality is far from that.
In this talk, we will discuss various forms of
Self care,
How to create healthy boundaries and
Find our balance while reviving healthy relationships.

Save the date, you don't want to miss this one!

Use the link to register
https://forms.gle/TSjeDjcHmeZL8eB9A

Just as a physical injury requires medical attention, mental distress should be supported with the help of a licensed professional. If you’re looking to find a therapist for mental health issues, don’t hesitate to reach out to us for help.

Tawakkul (trust in Allah [God]) enables us to handle the complexity of our lives and provides us with the spiritual energy needed to ward off the onslaught of the challenges and problems resulting from those complexities.

A lot of women/sisters within the Muslim community (especially in the west) suffer from ultra independence.

Our sisters need to understand that the inability to receive support from others is a trauma response.
Your “I don’t need anyone, I’ll just do it all myself” conditioning is a survival tactic. You needed it to shield your tender heart from abuse, neglect, betrayal, and disappointment from those who could not or would not be there for you.

From the parent who was absent by choice or by the circumstance of working three jobs to feed and house you. From the ex(s) who offered sexual intimacy but offered no security, safety or emotional depth that honoured your soul & heart.

From the friendships that always took more than they gave.

From all the situations when someone told you “we’re in this together” then abandoned you, leaving you to pick up the pieces when things got difficult, leaving you to handle your part and their part, too.

From the lies. The betrayals.

You learned along the way that you just couldn’t really trust people. Or that you could trust people, but only up to a certain point.

Ultra-independence is a *trust issue.*

You learned: if I don’t put myself in a situation where I rely on someone, I won’t have to be disappointed when they don’t show up for me, or when they drop the ball... because they will always drop the ball sooner or later, right?

You may even have been intentionally taught this protection strategy by generations of hurt women who came before you especially within some muslim cultures. (generational-trauma, ancestral-trauma)

Ultra-independence is a preemptive strike against heartbreak. So, you don’t trust anyone. And you don’t trust yourself, either, to choose people.

To trust is to hope, to trust is vulnerability.

“Never again,” you vowed.

But no matter how you dress it up and display it proudly to make it seem like this level of independence is what you always wanted to be, in truth it’s your wounded, scarred, broken heart behind a protective brick wall.

Impenetrable. Nothing gets in. No hurt gets in. But no *love* and sometimes even no *faith* gets in either. Fortresses and armor are for those in battle, or who believe the battle is coming.

It’s actually a trauma response.

The good news is trauma that is acknowledged is trauma that can be healed.

You are worthy of having support.
You are worthy of having true partnership. You are worthy of love. You are worthy of having your heart held. You are worthy to be adored.
You are worthy to be cherished.

You are worthy to have someone say, “You rest. I got this.” And actually deliver on that promise.

You are worthy to receive, you don’t have to earn it. You don’t have to prove it. You don’t have to bargain for it. You don’t have to beg for it.

You are worthy.

Simply because you exist and are a believer.

And whosoever puts his trust in Allah then He will suffice him.” ~ Quran 65:3.

Reflect.