A Message to the Conscience

Case of the Week #837

LETTER

I am forty-three years old, and for some time I have been noticing that my mother shows signs of being a narcissistic, dramatic, and manipulative person who wants to suck us into the situations she causes.

In spite of being a Christian, she is someone who is never content and who is constantly complaining. For her, to be a good daughter is to let her manipulate us and use us like puppets. I also feel like she wants to trump my husband’s authority.... I understand that we should respect our parents, but I feel exhausted and unwilling to keep being manipulated.

COUNSEL

Dear Friend,

We are so very sad to hear about the way your mother is acting and treating you! And we are even sadder to hear that she professes to be a follower of Christ and yet acts the way that she does. Unfortunately, she is one of the many who go to church, read the Bible, and even pray, all the while not paying attention to the teachings of the Bible nor putting Biblical principles into practice in their daily lives.

The Apostle James taught, “Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like someone who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like.”1 As your mother reads the teachings in the Bible, God tries to show her how to put them into practice. But instead, she closes the Bible and goes back to doing things her own way. Only God can judge what is in her heart, and we certainly won’t judge her.

If your mother has not always acted the way she does now, we encourage you to take her to a medical doctor to have her cognitive functioning assessed. However, you indicate that she has been acting this way for a long time, so it is probably not the onset of a medical condition.

There are cases that are very similar to yours that we have dealt with before, because your dilemma is a common one. Please read, listen to, or watch Cases 20 and 155 to find out what we advised those adult children.

As you imply, God’s plan is for a man and his wife to leave their parents and cling to each other. That gets complicated when the new couple live under the same roof as the parents. And it is even more complicated when the parents provide finances or childcare for the couple. Respecting and honoring parents does not mean living with them, so if you do not yet live on your own, we highly recommend that you and your husband make new living arrangements immediately.

We wish you well,

Linda
____________________
1Jas 1:23-24

Case of the Week #836

LETTER

I’ve been married for twenty-eight years, and for the past eleven I’ve been struggling with my wife’s infidelities. I’ve forgiven a lot, but three months ago, when we seemed to be doing well, she told me that she was tired and no longer loved me. She brought up things I said in the past that hurt her deeply. I told her that I said those things out of anger over discovering her adultery.

Right now she’s in another relationship, even though we still live together. Honestly, I don’t know whether to keep fighting or to leave things the way they are.... She says that she no longer believes in God and that I hurt her with my words.

COUNSEL

Dear Friend,

We are very sorry to hear about what you’ve been going through. Since you don’t mention any other details, we are going to assume that you have not committed adultery yourself, nor have you abused your wife physically or verbally.

When your wife committed adultery for the first time, she broke the covenant that she had with you. That means that your situation applies to what Jesus Christ was teaching when He said that infidelity is the only legitimate cause for divorce.1 However, He did not make it a commandment, so the couple may stay together if they can forgive and remain faithful to each other.

You say that your wife has been committing adultery for eleven years. If you have proof of that, then you have shown yourself to be a very patient man. If you’ve been faithful during all that time, then you’ve already given your wife many chances to change. Therefore, if she chooses to leave, then we believe that it would be Biblically right to let her go. However, it is very important that you consult with an attorney in your country to find out what your rights are.

Another professional with whom you need to consult is a medical doctor. Your wife’s behavior could have infected you with a sexually-transmitted disease.

You mention that your wife no longer believes in God. That statement implies that you do believe in Him. Believing in Him is a good start, but becoming His follower is the next step that you need to take. The God of peace can help bring peace into your heart in spite of your circumstances.

In fact, God’s Son, Jesus Christ, said: “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.”2 After becoming a follower of Christ, ask Him to lead you into what you should do next. Let Him guide you day by day.

We wish you well,

Linda
____________________
1Mt 5:32
2Jn 14:27

Case of the Week #835

LETTER

About five years ago I failed God by having sexual relations with my then-partner, trusting that we were going to get married.... But two years ago we separated.

I asked God for forgiveness for failing Him in that way, but a year and a half ago I fell again with a man who lied to me, telling me he was single. It was a one-night thing. I have asked God for forgiveness for that too, and I have taken care to keep from doing it again....

I feel very badly about myself and feel that I’m worthless. I try to maintain a good relationship with God, but I can’t stop thinking of those mistakes. I’ve even come to think that I am trash for having been immorally with a married man.

COUNSEL

Dear Friend,

You may believe that God condemns you for your sin, but that belief is not based on truth. In order to know what God actually thinks of you, it is necessary to study the Bible. It contains the truth about who God is and how much He loves us in spite of the fact that we are all sinners who need His forgiveness.

You say that you already asked God for forgiveness, and yet you still feel condemnation. The Bible teaches us that there is now no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus.1 So if there is no condemnation for those who have asked God to forgive their sins, then the condemnation you feel is not coming from God.

There is a story in the Bible about a woman who was caught committing adultery. The religious leaders wanted to kill her for her sin by throwing stones at her. They asked Jesus if they should stone her, and He answered that if any of them was sinless, he should throw the first stone. But because each realized his own sin, they quietly left. Then Jesus asked her: “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?” She answered, “No one, sir.” And Jesus said, “Neither do I condemn you. Go your way, and from now on do not sin again.”2

Christ made it clear that He didn’t condemn the woman, but He told her not to sin anymore. He is saying the same to you now. You have asked for forgiveness, so you are forgiven. Now don’t fall into that pattern of sin again.

You say that what you did made you feel worthless. But it is actually the other way around. You felt worthless, so you allowed yourself to be disrespected and taken advantage of. You forgot that you were made in the image of God and that you are His dearly loved daughter.

When you keep focusing on the past, you bring it into your present and jeopardize your future. Because God has forgiven you, and the past is behind you, it is time to begin again, with God’s help.

We wish you well,

Linda
____________________
1Ro 8:1
2Jn 8:2-11

Case of the Week #834

LETTER

I’ve been married for twenty years.... We’ve never been unfaithful to one another, nor has there been any abuse. However, I feel abandoned. The attention my wife gives me is very scarce, as is mine towards her, but she doesn’t care about that. Regarding intimacy... we only have relations whenever she wants to....

I have thought about leaving her. I haven’t done it because of the three children we have.... It’s better to sacrifice myself than for them to be destroyed.... I believe that my wife doesn’t love me, that she’s accustomed to being with me, and there’s nothing new that ignites the flame of passion that I want us to have.

COUNSEL

Dear Friend,

We congratulate you for making your children your highest priority! Your willingness to “sacrifice yourself,” as you say, for their well-being is admirable. How much better our world would be if more men had the courage and determination that you have!

Instead, the top priority of many other men is to have their own needs met. If they decide that their wife isn’t meeting their needs, they find another woman to get involved with, callously leaving their children behind both physically and emotionally. This can cause their children to have life-long abandonment issues. But you don’t want that outcome for your children, so you have not been unfaithful nor have you left the home.

However, you are unhappy with the fact that neither you nor your wife is putting any effort into your relationship. You assume that her lack of effort is because she doesn’t love you. But that assumption on your part may be completely wrong.

Mothers have the tendency to be so involved with their children’s needs that they do not put enough priority on their husband’s needs. Then, there is the house to clean, dinner to make, laundry to do and an unending list of things to be taken care of. What you perceive as a lack of love on her part could be exhaustion.

Please do whatever it takes to consult with a marriage counselor before it is too late to save your marriage. It may be that neither of you has adequately communicated your needs to the other, or that one or both of you haven’t been listening. A counselor can help you discover what your wife really feels instead of you assuming that you already know.

Determine that you will put effort into the marriage even if your wife does not. Help with the cooking, the laundry, and the children’s homework. Show by your actions that you love her and that you care about her needs. Express affection toward her while expecting nothing in return.

You have an example to follow as you choose to sacrifice yourself for your children and your wife. Jesus Christ, the Son of God, sacrificed Himself when He died on the cross to pay the penalty for our sins. He gave His life so that we can have a full life here on earth and eternal life in heaven.1 That is an example for all of us to follow.

We wish you well,

Linda
____________________
1Jn 3:16; 10:10; 2Co 5:15

Case of the Week #833

LETTER
My husband and I have been married for ten years. We have two children, and during all this time, he has verbally abused me. At first, I kept quiet. I believed that, by staying silent, he would change.... But I’ve come to have suicidal thoughts, and feel anxiety and desperation.... I’ve even felt that I hate my daughter because she’s just like him.... and I’ve physically abused her....

The last time we talked, my husband told me that this is how he is, that he won’t change, and that I’m the one who provoked him.... He’s a hard worker. We go to church, but I feel he doesn’t try to change through God’s help. I’d rather die than separate from my husband and see my marriage destroyed.

COUNSEL

Dear Friend,

We are very sorry to hear about your extremely difficult family circumstances. From your words we understand that your husband has verbally abused you, and that you have physically abused your daughter. But we don’t know if your husband has abused anyone physically, nor if you have abused anyone verbally.

All families have their share of difficulties, and none agree all the time. But when does a disagreement turn into verbal abuse? Name calling is the most easily identifiable sign of abuse, as it is a means of criticizing and insulting in an attempt to demean and belittle the victim in order to undermine their self-esteem and self-confidence.

Making threats, intimidating the victim by threatening to do harm or to abandon them, is another form of verbal abuse that is extremely destructive. Other forms of verbal manipulation include sarcasm, mockery, shaming, and yelling. In addition to the verbal abuse, a controlling abuser may attempt to isolate his victim from other people, or try to make her believe that she is mentally unstable.

Living in an environment of verbal and physical abuse is not healthy for any of you. You admit to suicidal thoughts, anxiety, and desperation, and it is possible that other members of the family may be experiencing the same. Please don’t wait until tragedy strikes to treat this situation with utmost seriousness.

We highly recommend that you and your husband see a professional counselor. If you have health insurance, a counselor may be available at a reduced cost, but we believe that you should prioritize this treatment even if it is costly. Your lives may depend on it. However, get referrals and read online reviews to make sure that the counselor you choose will not be antagonistic toward your faith.

Attending church doesn’t seem to have made a difference in your lives, but it does indicate that you both have respect for God and His Word. The Apostle Paul taught, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs”.1 So, according to this teaching, those who engage in verbal abuse are sinning against God. Walking through the church doors, even when done regularly, does not take away sin or guilt. God does not forgive sin unless the person who asks for forgiveness is truly sorry and wants to change.

We wish you well,

Linda
____________________
1Eph 4:29 (NIV)

Case of the Week #832

LETTER
My niece and I grew up together, and I think of her as a sister. We still live in the same home. Lately I have felt that she is annoyed and resentful towards me. A few days ago, I went to apologize to her in case I had offended or hurt her in any way. Through tears, she forgave me, but the next day the atmosphere was more hostile. I don’t know what to do. Should I keep asking for forgiveness until she lets go of whatever she’s holding inside, or should I distance myself to keep my heart from possibly developing resentment towards her?

COUNSEL
Dear Friend,

We commend you for being aware of your niece’s feelings and for wanting to repair any strain on your relationship. Even though you don’t say so, you must believe that you may have done or said something that has hurt her feelings, which is why you are so willing to apologize.

The Apostle Paul taught, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”1 The key phrase is “as far as it depends on you.” This is an acknowledgement that every misunderstanding has at least two people who must each do their part to live in peace. You can only do your part, and your niece must do her part.

However, women sometimes have health factors that are not obvious and that they may not fully understand themselves. There is a complex schedule that manages the brain chemicals and hormones that operate in a woman’s brain and body. A woman may find herself crying unexpectedly because her brain chemicals have caused her to be especially sensitive, or she may be irritable for the same reason. As a man, you don’t need to understand all of this, but you must be aware that it could be contributing to your niece’s fluctuating moods.

At the same time, it is good to be aware that adult family members often find it difficult to live under the same roof with one another. Most often, one of them is either oblivious or simply uncaring of the way that his habits affect the other ones. It could be something as mundane as staying in the bathroom too long, not cleaning up after oneself, or making noise too late at night. On the other hand, it could be something more substantial, such as being domineering, critical, or financially irresponsible.

Whatever it is that is bothering your niece, it obviously is quite important to her. The fact that you don’t know what it is could indicate that you have not been a good listener. Instead of apologizing repeatedly to her, as you suggest, we recommend that you try hard to listen every time she speaks. Tune out all the other noise in the room and tune in to her words. Rather than interrupting her, let her complete her thoughts and sentences. Don’t try to solve her problems, don’t give her advice, and don’t minimize her concerns. By the attentive and concerned way that you listen, you will show her how much you care.

We wish you well,

Linda
____________________
1Ro 12:18 (NIV)

Case of the Week #831
LETTER
My thirty-six-year-old son was admitted to the police academy, and asked my other children not to tell me, but I found out through my granddaughters....

Today was his graduation, and he wanted me to tell him why I never ask him anything about his work. I answered that I didn’t know he was in the academy, and he replied that the reason I didn’t know is that I never asked him how he’s doing at work.

We don’t communicate much. He calls me to take care of his children.... He told me that his colleagues do know about his work and the things he likes, and I answered that it’s because he talks to them, but he doesn’t tell me anything.

COUNSEL

Dear Friend,

You and your son are engaged in a power struggle. Each of you believes that you have been wronged.

Parents, many of whom sacrifice their own desires for years in order to give priority to their children, may find it very difficult to adjust when a child becomes an adult. They are no longer needed in the same way, and may feel cast aside and neglected.

However, it is normal for an adult child to seek to establish independence during the young adult years. Parents who are threatened by that and respond in a defensive or confrontational manner usually cause the adult child to get angry and retreat. This is the beginning of a vicious cycle that can go on for years.

The relationship then devolves into a pattern of one unmet expectation after another. In your case, your son expects you to be supportive of his progress into adulthood, while you expect him to seek and value your advice. Your son is offended that you don’t seem supportive, and you are offended that your son no longer seems to value you.

The negative dynamic was spread when your son told his siblings to keep a secret from you. And after finding it out from your grandchildren, you lied and told your son that you didn’t know. Both you and your son are trying to outdo each other for the “prize” of who has been treated the worst.

This is not a case of right or wrong, but rather of healthy or dysfunctional. You must decide what you want the most. Do you want to continue this power struggle so you can be right, or do you want to have a healthy relationship and communication with your son?

Power struggles occur because of pride. Both you and your son are too proud to let the other come out ahead. We recommend that you heed the following advice from the Apostle Paul: “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.”1

Humility, which is the opposite of pride, means holding your son’s feelings in higher regard than your own feelings. It means taking the risk of loving him fully even when you feel that he is not reciprocating that love. It means starting your conversations by talking about his life, and it not mattering if he ever asks about your life. And finally, it means conceding the power struggle while knowing that you have won what is most important.

We wish you well,

Linda
____________________
1Php 2:3-4 (NIV)

Case of the Week #830
LETTER

When I was in kindergarten, one day a little girl in my class didn’t make it to the bathroom in time and wet her clothes. She started crying and I laughed and made fun of her... I was extremely cruel to her.

Now... I’m an adult college graduate. When I think about what I did as a child, I feel guilt and regret. I have a heavy weight on my conscience.... How could I have been so insensitive and cruel? ... I wish I could turn back time and undo what I did....

My conscience torments me, and I haven’t been able to forgive myself. Do you have any advice for me?

COUNSEL

Dear Friend,

We are so sorry to learn of the torment that you have been experiencing! As often happens, your mind is mixing together what you remember with an inaccurate assumption that you have made.

You are assuming that your child self had the capacity to think and reason as an adult. This is completely inaccurate. From the time of the Apostle Paul, who lived in the first century, there was an understanding that children are not as physically or mentally developed as adults. He wrote, “When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me.”1

In modern times, Jean Piaget, the well-known twentieth century psychologist, set forth a theory of cognitive development that is very well accepted by child development specialists. Part of his theory is that children from about age two to about age seven are in what is referred to as the preoperational stage.2 At the beginning of this time period children are completely egocentric and cannot mentally put themselves in the position of anyone else. Their brains are developing as they grow, so they are just beginning to be able to see things from other perspectives than their own.

Children in the early stages of development may mimic the speech and actions that they hear and see. If other children are taunting, they too will likely taunt. If other children are cruel, they will probably be cruel themselves. Some children may mimic their siblings’ and their parents’ speech and behavior that they have heard and seen. However, they are not able to understand when certain speech or behavior is appropriate or inappropriate. And they cannot comprehend that their words and actions have consequences.

When you judge yourself for speech and actions that happened while you were in kindergarten, you completely disregard those child development principles. Although it is commendable to feel sorrow for what you did and to wish that you had acted differently, it is not healthy to ruminate on those thoughts. Instead, confess those sins along with your other sins to God in prayer. The Apostle Paul assures us that, after we have confessed, those of us who belong to Christ Jesus are no longer judged guilty.3

We wish you well,

Linda
____________________
11Co 13:11
2Kendra Cherry, MSEd, “Piaget's 4 Stages of Cognitive Development Explained: Background and Key Concepts of Piaget's Theory”, Verywell Mind, 1 may 2024 Online 14 July 2024.
3Ro 8:1

Case of the Week #829
LETTER

During my childhood, I suffered serious physical abuse from my mother. Several times I went to the hospital with severe injuries....

When my father abandoned us... my mother, in an act of desperation, asked me to take some pills to pretend that I wanted to commit su***de.... I was only eleven years old, so out of fear... I agreed. The physical damage was minor, but psychologically [I was only able to overcome it with God’s help].

Nowadays... I have to take care of my mother, who had a stroke.... But she constantly makes my life very difficult.... Social workers and doctors have recommended that, due to the deterioration of my health, I send her to a specialized center, but there is a part of me that says that, as her daughter, I should take care of her myself.

COUNSEL

Dear Friend,

We deeply regret the pain and difficulties you have endured. Your situation is very complex and emotionally exhausting.

Childhood abuse can have long-term consequences that affect the victim’s mental and physical health. Survivors often experience anxiety disorders, depression, and post-traumatic stress. They are prone to difficulties in interpersonal relationships and to low self-esteem. And the constant stress can also lead to chronic illnesses. Research shows that the impact of childhood abuse can persist throughout life, affecting overall well-being and the ability to function in daily life.

Thankfully, for those of us who are followers of God’s Son Jesus Christ there are several principles and Bible passages that can guide us in our decision-making process. First of all, the biblical commandment to honor father and mother stresses the importance of respect and care for our parents, regardless of their actions1. However, honoring your mother does not necessarily mean you must personally care for her at the expense of your own well-being.

The Bible also emphasizes the importance of self-care. Jesus Himself practiced self-care. He would often withdraw to solitary places in order to pray2. He took time away from the crowds to rest and communicate with his Heavenly Father, demonstrating the need to balance service with personal well-being.

It is very important to recognize the value of this principle of self-care for both emotional and psychological needs. In your case, this may involve seeking outside support for your mother’s care, which would allow you to maintain your own well-being and strengthen your ability to provide love and care from a position of health and stability.

In caring for your mother, it is essential that you balance the responsibility you have for your own health. Placing your mother in a skilled nursing facility does not mean that you love or honor her any less. Rather, it can be a practical expression of love, ensuring she receives the professional care she needs while you maintain your well-being.

We wish you well,

Linda
____________________
1Ex 20:12; Dt 5:16
2Lk 5:16 (NIV)

Case of the Week #828

LETTER
Three years ago I lost a friend to su***de. She had fought for years with depression, cutting, and a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder....

I always [told her that the only One who could help her was God, and that He sent His Son Jesus Christ to bring salvation to her]. She never stopped me from talking about it, but at the very last she was so bad that she couldn’t bring herself to believe what I was telling her about God....

These last three years have been the saddest years of my life. I have so many questions! ... What advice can you give me?

COUNSEL

Dear Friend,

We are so very sorry for the loss of your friend! Your normal grief has been compounded by the unanswered questions that you have. You don’t specify any of them, but we can guess some of them, such as why your friend wouldn’t accept the salvation that you told her about, and what more could you have done that might have prevented her from taking her life.

These are difficult, but fair, questions. However, to be able to understand the answers, it is first necessary to consider the underlying factors. Borderline personality disorder is caused by physical abnormalities in the brain. The chemical and electrical circuits (that normally link thoughts and their associated behaviors) are disconnected, or are connected in a random manner.

Imagine a house. Every electrical plug in the house must lead back to the circuit breakers, and the circuit breakers must in turn lead to the power that is connected to the electric company. Every water faucet in the house is connected back to pipes that eventually link up to the main water line that is connected to the municipal water supply.

However, what if some of the electrical lines are crossed so that they don’t lead back to the power source? And what if the water pipes are connected to the wrong places or to no place at all? Can you imagine the chaos that this would cause in that house? There would be water pipes pouring water into the bedrooms and electrical power that either doesn’t work or is dangerous.

Your friend had a brain with chaotic connections. It may have seemed to be functioning at times, but it was completely unstable and unreliable. She couldn’t understand it, and it was so unbearable that she finally put a stop to it.

You are mistaken to think that you could have done anything to repair the connections in your friend’s brain. You did everything that you possibly could, and we are sure that your friendship was a great comfort and help to her.

For many reasons it is incorrect to call this illness a mental illness because its cause is entirely physical. It was not something that your friend could have controlled by thinking better or more clearly, even if she had accepted the salvation that Jesus Christ came to give her.

It is controversial, but we believe that God judges each person according to his or her capability. In the same way that a toddler is not accountable for his or her sin, we believe that God does not hold accountable any person whose brain prevents them from understanding the truth about Him and their personal salvation.

We wish you well,

Linda

Case of the Week #827
LETTER
I find myself at a crossroads, unable to make the decision of who will be my wife.

Right now there are two girls in my life, one an ex-girlfriend, and the other one a young woman that I met recently. There are two things about my ex that I don’t like: first, I don’t think that we are compatible emotionally and intellectually; and second, I feel like I could marry her, but not her family, as I don’t like them at all. However, my conscience is bothering me about not being able to pick her in spite of the excellent person that she is.

I’m not very attracted physically to the other girl that I met recently, but she comes from a good family. Sometimes I think that I should win her over, but I’m not sure because I don’t know what her spiritual development will be like. What I like the most about her is her noble character.

COUNSEL

Dear Friend,

You make some very good observations about your ex-girlfriend. You are right to be concerned about emotional and intellectual compatibility. And you are wise to understand that you can’t marry a girl without marrying her family also.

However, we don’t understand why you say that your conscience is bothering you about not being willing to choose your ex-girlfriend. Did you make promises to her about the future? Did you have a physically intimate relationship with her, causing her to think that you loved her? What have you done that would cause your conscience to bother you?

Since we don’t know what really happened with your ex, we can’t confirm or deny that you have anything to feel guilty about. If you did something dishonorable, then the remedy would be to apologize and beg her forgiveness. But that doesn’t mean you should marry her, since you have already determined that the two of you are not compatible.

So should you marry the second girl that you barely know? Why would you think that? Why should you even worry about getting married right now? In the movies, guys sometimes think that they should get married for financial reasons, but you don’t mention anything about that.

It seems that you are confused. It doesn’t make sense to decide to get married and then have to choose from the available candidates. Instead, meeting and getting to know other girls will help you finally find the one that you feel you cannot live without. That is when you make the decision to get married.

God has a plan for your future.1 We suggest that you talk to Him in prayer and ask that He guide you in meeting girls who are not only compatible emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually, but who also have the same priorities and values that you do. Ask Him to give you the wisdom that you need to pass up all the wrong roads as you search for the right one.

We wish you well,

Linda
____________________
1Ps 139:16