Learning Curve Counseling

Most of us weren't ever really taught to have a plan for our marriage.
For some reason, most of us also just try to figure it out on our own.

Ikea furniture is less complex that marriage and even then we still look at plan-well at least glance at it.

If you want to have more clarity and direction for your marriage to take your love story to the next level, then let's schedule your appointment!

Communication and misunderstands are common in every relationship, but what's not common is to find a way to really connect and hear each other.

Learn how to start to assume the best about each other and communicate in a way that your partner can understand you.

Stuck in the same rut of going back and forth?

Does one of you lean away from conflict and the other lean into it, but you haven't found a way to come together?

Together we can work to make a path of connection from conflict.

How would you define a best friend?

It may be easy to see how your spouse hasn't been a good friend, but I want you to see where have you dropped the ball on being a good friend.

In my process we discuss what creates connection and what undermines connection.
We take ownership of our part and we seek to understand what is going in the world of our spouse.

"We're just roommates"
Usually that means we JUST live together and make sure the bills are paid the kids stay alive.
It's hard to tell when our relationship is slipping into this state because there's so many tasks and responsibilities that are required from both of you.

But couples realize that they haven't had a good conversation or laugh in a while. When was the last time they got dressed up for each other? When was the last time you felt really seen or heard?

Most couples get started when things are bad or headed in a bad direction.

Almost all of them wish they would have started way earlier. The research says that most couples wish they started 5 years earlier.

If you're in a spot that things are just feeling:
1) stagnant or in a rut
2) You want to create more relational wealth
3) You're noticing you're having a lot of the same conversations over and over without moving forward
4) You're avoiding having certain conversations because you don't know how to bring them up

Then you would be a good candidate to start counseling!

Call and schedule an appointment to get started.

First I want to share that I understand that everyone has their own budget and limits of what they can afford. There is absolutely no shame if one price does not work for your relationship at this time.

There are many great therapists at different rates. Some of the best therapists I've met worked at a community mental health agency were some people could be seen for free.

In private practice, pricing is can be based on many things.

When you're shopping around be sure to ask:
1) Licensed or Registered State Intern?
2) What is their experience?
3) What percentage of their practice/caseload is working with couples?
4) What's their process and structure of working with couples.

Every therapist has their own style based on their experiences, training, and preferences.

A common experience in traditional couples counseling is for the couple to feel they had more direction and accountability.

This is a big reason why I transitioned my practice to a more structured model.

My structure is:
1) We do a relationship Pre-Assessment. This helps give us some data on key areas in your relationship.

2) 2 Hour Intake Appointment. I was used to doing 1 hour sessions from much of my training but accepted 1 hour is not enough time to catch me up speed on the state of your relationship. Two hours allows us to dive deeper into your concerns. We also take some time to meet with each of you individually so you have time to share your perspective.

You'll see that even two hours can go by quickly!

3) Work together in 12 session cycles focusing on 1-3 topics/goals during our time together. That way we aren't talking about the little fires that happened that week.

The couples that came 12 times showed better progress. The 12 sessions gives us a reasonable amount of time to make a reasonable amount of progress. Many other therapists just let counseling go on indefinitely and it can be difficult to know how long will you be in therapy. This gives us mile markers.

In between sessions there will be homework. Homework will include: Exercises to do together, worksheets, videos, and mindsets to pay attention to.

4) At the end of 12 sessions we do a post-assessment. We compare it to the numbers of how you started. I love going over these numbers with couples to show them the growth they've made!

These 4 steps have led to so much more growth with the couples I've worked with and I believe it work for your relationship too if you two are committed to the process.

If we haven't met yet, my name is Mike Evans. I'm a licensed therapist at Learning Curve Counseling.

I'm proud of you for starting the process of looking for a counselor. It's not always easy to find a good fit or even knowing where to start.

There's a lot of great counselors in the area and I'm friends with a number of them so let me know if you need a recommendation.

When looking for a therapists, there's a few things to consider:
1. Ultimately if you're able to open up and trust that counselor. The counselor could be the best in the world but if you can't work with them because you don't trust or connect with them then doesn't matter too much their qualifications.

2. What are they passionate about? What does the counselor nerd out about and enjoy reading and further developing?

For example, I specialize and focus on couples. I love listening to podcasts, reading books, and going to trainings to help myself and couples have a stronger relationship.

So if you're looking for couples counseling then we should chat some more to see if I can help and we'd be able to work together.

The power of presence.

One day at a time.

We often expect progress to be linear. At the very least, we hope it will come quickly. In reality, the results of our efforts are often delayed. It is not until months or years later that we realize the true value of the previous work we have done. This can result in a “valley of disappointment” where people feel discouraged after putting in weeks or months of hard work without experiencing any results. However, this work was not wasted. It was simply being stored. It is not until much later that the full value of previous efforts is revealed.

Read more in Chapter 1 of Atomic Habits. You can get your copy at atomichabits.com

Almost every month I hear a client say- Time heals all wounds.
Unfortunately it doesn’t. Things left to time alone tend to become more infected or they rust and deteriorate.

Time alone does not heal.
Time is a container.
Time is a revealer.

We can choose what we put in this container of time.

We can fill it with self distractions, numbing, and escaping that usually lead to self destructive habits.

We can fill it with compassion, awareness, slowing down, love, counseling, community, honest conversations with loving people, and rest.

None of us get to say how big of a container of time we get, but we do get a say in what we decide to put in that container.

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*growth and healing.

I’ve always hated the phrase “new year new you.” Our work together is much more like archeological digging. We are unearthing and revealing what has always been inside of you. A lost, forgotten, and asleep world inside of you that contains hopes, dreams, hurts, failures, light and shadows. Things we are proud of and also ashamed of. These things aren’t meant to be kept to yourself.

We are not creating a new you but reawakening the real you. We do this by honest conversations to help you dig and remember who you really are - before all the stress and all the people told you who to be.

Today we remember, honor, and have immense gratitude for the sacrifice that was given.

Respect. Honor. Remember. 🙏🇺🇸❤️

“They shall never grow old, as we that are left grow old:
Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn.
At the going down of the sun and in the morning
We will remember them.”
— For the Fallen by Laurence Binyon

Sharing this powerful photo by Gordon Lau // gordonlauphotography.com

Do emotional boundaries feel uncomfortable for you?

Do you feel like you're being mean or rude because you're establishing or keeping a boundary?

I used to be there and it's a muscle that I have to make sure I keep working but it is absolutely something that you can gain skill over too!

Don't stay stuck in that rut of having poor boundaries.

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Learning to ask better questions is key to having a better relationship.

You will have compatibility with hundreds of people in your lifetime. Compatibility is important to every relationship but it's not sustainable to build a great love story. What is the love story about and where is it headed? Would you want this love story for someone you care about?

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Putting the needs of others first has a vicious cycle with emotional loneliness.

When we feel emotionally lonely so we start to put the needs of others first so that we can get some level of connection but then that starts to the drive the emotional loneliness further.