Simone Arendse - Clinical Psychologist

I am attending a trauma conference virtually, live from Oxford University. I had fantasized about attending this in person but alas, not this time around. Today we started off with an immersion day with the highly-esteemed and renowned Gabor Maté. I love that the session started with a humming/singing exercise first, to get us into our bodies before utilizing our minds. Days like today remind me why I love learning, why I love healing and why I absolutely love this work and this industry. Quote of the day, “it’s never to late to have a happy childhood.”

“We lose ourselves in books, we find ourselves there too.” Unknown

I wrote this book for my kids, so it warms my heart so much that my daughter has been repeatedly choosing it as her bedtime story lately. She especially loves searching for her and her brother’s initials that my illustrator lovingly snuck into the images.

Reading stimulates a child’s imagination, expands their knowledge and enhances their understanding of the world. It increases their vocabulary and improves their language skills. It is relaxing, pleasurable and fun. It boosts brain development and builds empathy. It is also a wonderful way of bonding and deepening connection.

I have recently been receiving enquiries about the book again, so I have replenished my stock. If you’re interested in purchasing it for your child, as a therapy resource or as a teaching aid, do make contact with me. It is written and illustrated by clinical psychologists.

“A child who reads, becomes an adult who thinks.” Unknown

Today I did a corporate talk about mental wellness in the workplace. I focused on the importance of having both preventative and curative strategies in place to enhance wellness and support mental health in the workplace.

As a psychologist client confidentiality is so engrained in me, which is why I never disclose the names of the organizations I work with. It is also probably the reason why I sometimes forget to ask people to capture the moment because as a therapist, it feels counterintuitive to take pics while I’m working. So you’re going to have to settle with a pic of me drinking coffee at home after the talk today. 😆 Happy Friday everyone!

How lovely it was to contribute to this article on the psychology of appearance. Have a read.

DRESS YOUR WAY TO A BETTER MOOD Look good, feel good? We explore the science behind how putting effort into our appearance can impact our confidence and mental health Women get a lot of mixed messages about our appearance: we should make the effort to look great, but we shouldn’t succumb to vanity. It’s a tricky tightrope to w...

Here is a little poem that I wrote from your emotions to you…

Don’t leave me in the dark, I’m not trying to cause despair.
Don’t shut me out, don’t press me down or pretend that I’m not there.
I’m not your enemy; I’m just a human emotion.
I ebb and flow, come and go, much like the waves of the ocean.

I’m here to help, here to teach, I’m trying to guide the way.
The more you resist, the more I persist; hear what I have to say.
You suppress, I resurface, I’m trying to avoid depression.
I need to breathe, I need release, I need some form of expression.

So feel then deal, then deal to heal, the only way over is through.
See me fully and recognize, that knowing me means healing you.

Pics taken at the Nia dance Women’s Day event, last week. The event took place at the Rupert Museum and raised funds for CANSA. The theme was, “Feel to Heal” and the importance of expression. What a great morning of sharing and movement.

I am so excited to be the guest speaker at this year’s Nia Women’s Day event again. The theme for this year is, ”Feel to Heal.” Wear a mask or hat that represents a feeling and come and join us for a morning of joyful and mindful movement.

https://qkt.io/KCdoUJ

It’s the start of the new term and schools are ready to welcome the learners back. Yesterday I got to spend some time with a group of educators at a lovely school in Durbanville. I spoke about self-harm amongst children which is a common phenomenon and relevant mental health concern amongst our youth currently.

I always get excited when the field of mental health intersects with other industries. It has taken us such a long time to get to this point were we are having a regular and relevant dialogue about promoting mental well-being. And yet there is so much more educating and advocating to do. I am ready to do my part so DM me if you are in need of some psycho-education at your school, company or event.

It’s not just a job, it is so much more.

How to Know That a Therapist Actually Cares To succeed, therapy, and therapists, require caring.

I took my son and his best friend to watch Inside Out 2 recently. Afterwards on the drive home, we had a nice chat about different emotions and how they are always communicating with us. I like that this movie is teaching kids what many adults even fail to understand. Here are a few themes from the movie that were highlighted:

We have a vast array of emotions and each one deserves to be acknowledged and accepted.

No matter how well-adjusted or good life is, a developmental phase such as puberty can hit a child like a ton of bricks and bring about an abundance of internal turmoil.

Even a seemingly negative emotion such as Anxiety is really just trying to protect you. Anxiety left to its own devices can wreak havoc in one’s life. However with the support of other emotions, you are able to distinguish between rational and irrational scenarios and use the energy of that emotion appropriately.

Over-thinking, over-planning and even over-achieving is often triggered by Anxiety.

Emotions are nuanced and the integration of good and bad is key. I liked the scene where Joy expresses sadness and Anger became empathic.

When we accept all parts of ourselves, both positive and negative and embrace it with self-compassion, the turbulence of the inner world settles. As a psychologist mom, I was really moved when watching this pertinent and powerful scene.

So parents go check this movie out with your kids during the school holidays and thereafter open up a conversation that can assist them in developing emotional intelligence.

Yesterday I attended a conference in Greenpoint. The speaker was a distinguished forensic psychologist who has even trained with professionals from the FBI and NCIS. Although the content (paedophilia, serial r**e, domestic violence) was quite intense, the training itself was incredibly insightful and a valuable learning experience. I felt like I was being taught by an expert profiler in an episode of Criminal Minds. But perhaps what was most impressive, is that this conference was arranged by a church and not exclusively for mental health professionals. This church group is in the process of training up lay members of the various congregations, to serve as safe access points for members who might be victims of abuse. I think it’s amazing that a church is willing to equip and support people on this level and I love when the field of mental health collaborates with other sectors.

I once had a client say to me that they had just assumed I was a child therapist based on how much I posted on social media about parenting. The reason for this is because many of the adults I see in therapy, struggle with self-esteem, relationship problems or emotional regulation difficulties because of the way they were parented. I post on parenting because I see tons of mothers and fathers trying to navigate the intricacies of the most challenging job in the world. I see so many parents trying to break generational patterns without the appropriate knowledge or skills because no one ever modeled it for them. I post because so many people need to learn to reparent themselves before they can parent their kids differently. I post on parenting because as a mother, I want to constantly remind myself of the power and influence my parenting style has on my children and to constantly work towards being a more conscious and gentle parent. So even though I don’t treat young kids anymore, I post because I believe that breaking the generational patterns can result in more happy, contented and self-assured children.

I did a talk on trauma at an amazing women’s event recently. I focused on the difference between ‘little t’ and ‘big T’ trauma, how unresolved trauma shows up in our everyday lives and the importance of bottom-up processing when healing trauma. Here is a summary of how trauma responses shows up (when triggered) in our everyday lives.

FIGHT
Anger, defensiveness, aggression, low frustration tolerance, short-tempered, controlling, demanding, critical.

FLIGHT
Anxiety, panic, overthinking, escapism, obsessive, compulsive, distracting, avoidance, addictive behaviour, substance use, always busy, always on the go, workaholic, constant over-achieving.

FREEZE
Overwhelmed, disassociation, immobility, indecisiveness, disengaged, procrastination, spacing out, doom scrolling, brain fog, lacks motivation, feeling numb, excessive sleeping, fearing achievement/struggles to take up space.

FAWN
People pleasing, conflict avoidance, performative engagement, self-abandonment, inauthentic, co-dependency, lack of identity, over caring, poor boundaries, playing it small, focuses on acceptance and fitting in.

Disclaimer: The above list is meant for educational purposes and not as a diagnostic measure. There are many other reasons why someone might struggle with the above. Getting a proper assessment with a health care professional can always be helpful to ascertain where the difficulties are coming from.

I'm excited to announce this new group programme called NeuroSoul Connect. It's aim is to bring connection and fun to neuro-diverse teenagers who may struggle with social functioning. It's designed to be a relaxed, music-making space where participants get to learn a new skill, and also foster healthy relationships.

The group will be run at our Brackenfell practice.

For any questions, please email [email protected]

Pablo Picasso said that, ‘it takes a long time to become young.’ This statement is especially true for people who have experienced adverse or traumatic life experiences. We are born perfect and then life gets a hold of you and you lose your true essence because of difficult relationships, inaccurate opinions, socialization and experiences that resulted in internal suffering. Due to this, you end up trading your authenticity for attachment.

I hosted my annual “The Child Within” ther**eutic workshop this week and my aim is always to help the group to peel off the layers, shed, re-connect, return to and re-parent the child within. When I speak of the inner child I am not referring to immaturity or irresponsibility. I am talking about unearthing the purest, truest, authentic, free, playful and healed versions of yourself.

A big thank you to each and every participant who showed up for themselves. I even had one participant drive for hours from another province to attend it. I love it when people love healing. This workshop always leaves me with a deep sense of fulfillment and gratitude for what I get to do. So thank you ladies for filling my cup.

And lastly, thank you to all of the wonderful teachers who collaborated with me. I have so much appreciation and admiration for all of you. Nia with Mia Blooming Yogi Studio Drumba Rhythm for Life

“When it feels disheartening to learn that trauma changes the brain, remember that healing changes the brain too.” Poppy Leigh

I am looking forward to speaking about trauma alongside these women, at a ladies breakfast this morning.

My daughter had to dress up as her favourite book character for school today, to celebrate, ‘World Book Day.’ When I asked her what she wanted to be, she went to fetch this book and said she wanted to go to school as a calm person. She eventually settled on a more child like character and a different book which I preferred, as that is what I want her to be at her age (fun and free). But man did she warm my psychologist mom heart with her initial request. I love that at age 4, she already realizes the importance of cultivating calmness in her life. I will continue to teach her that calmness does not mean compliance, because sometimes the calm kid is actually just the scared child. I want her to learn and live calmness because it is good for her body, brain and heart. And it’s good for your yours too.

At the start of April was ‘World Autsim Acceptance week.’ The theme chosen to commemorate it this year was ‘colour.’ I think this is such an applicable theme because just as each colour is different and unique, so is each autistic person. It is called autism SPECTRUM for a reason. There is a saying that says, “if you have seen one autistic child, you have seen one autistic child.” Each individual with autism is so unique and special. Their brains are not broken, just different. They are not disabled, just differently abled. What a privilege it was to create some autism awareness in the Cloetesville community today.

Yesterday I attended a creative expressive art therapy workshop. We learnt about the different parts of the self (ego states) and how to regulate the nervous system. We learnt a lot but also we drew pictures, did tapping, breathwork, danced, and did sensory activities. Because the best kind of learning is always through experiential learning.

My next few group engagements for this month. Different topics, different crowds, different settings. ALWAYS THE SAME WHY. Healing, wholeness, wellness, empowerment, inspiration, education, advocating, growth.

Today I did a talk at a corporate company on understanding Borderline Personality Disorder in the workplace. I was pleasantly surprised when I received this request, as it is quite rare that a corporate company asks for training on such an intricate mental health condition. Their motive was to understand, manage and support ONE of their colleague’s who has this diagnosis. The fact that a corporate company is willing to bring a whole team together and pay a professional to understand one person, is simply magnificent. I love that corporate culture is shifting towards more inclusivity, adaptability and supporting mental health in the workplace. And the amount of questions and interaction there was, shows me that people are hungry for mental health education. Also I was so excited and present today, that I didn’t get anyone to snap a picture of me talking. I always feel energized by this kind of engagement so if you need someone to provide mental health and wellness education at your company, then do make contact with me. Mental health is the cornerstone for effectiveness in every other area of our lives. There is no health without mental health.

If ‘The Child Within’ workshop intrigues you and you have been contemplating attending it, here is what previous participants had to say about it. Come and join me for a unique, immersive, healing and transformative experience.

I will be speaking at a women’s breakfast hosted by, ’You are phenomenal events and entertainment.’ This event will cast light on trauma awareness. If this is something you need, then do book your ticket. See you then.

It is World Autism Awareness Day

Many people are wondering why there are so many new cases of autism these days. The thing is, neurodiversity is not a new thing at all. The only difference is, the health sciences have evolved and allows us to better identify this intricate condition. Which is a good thing! It doesn’t mean that the label defines who you are. A diagnosis is not an identify, however it can help to empower people to better understand and accept their brain wiring. And early intervention always results in better longer-term outcomes. Let’s be people that embraces, accepts and respects that certain people’s brains work differently. Let’s be a society that affirms neurodivergence and be willing to make accommodations to facilitate inclusivity in all settings. Let’s be the generation that breaks the stigma so that people never have to suffer in silence again.

WE cordially INVITE you to come and join us at the:

FIND YOUR LIGHT Women's Breakfast Event
Where: Algarve Restaurant & Bar
When: 27 April 2024
Time: 10:00 till 13:00

SPECIAL GUEST SPEAKER & PERFORMER: Karin Kortjie

PSHYCOLOGIST: Simone Arendse - Clinical Psychologist

Ticket price: R250 (includes your breakfast and a goodie bag)

This EVENT is VERY SPECIAL to us and is a way for us to GIVE BACK to our community.

We know that TRAUMA is a topic that NOT MANY PEOPLE like to talk about but so many of us go through. It is a silent killer. And many people internalize it and hide it from their peers.

Trauma is something that eats away at you at the core of your being and for many it becomes too much to handle.

TRAUMA IS REAL. And if it is not dealt with properly or if you don’t have the tools you need to get through it, it can kill you.

This is just a breakdown some of the past and present traumas that people are dealing with:

• Molestation and R**e
• Attempts on su***de
• Suicidal thoughts
• Cutting
• Marital issues - divorce
• Financial issues – loss of income due to job loss
• Broken relationship – with loved ones and family members
• Infertility
• Bullying
• Shame

And there are so much more.

This event is SO MUCH MORE than just a BREAKFAST.

You will be hearing testimony from Karin Kortjie and Candice Lynn Christians.

There will be a panel discussion on the TOPIC to create awareness around it.

We also have a Psychologist on the panel that will share some insight on the topic and give you some tools to take away with you.

There will be a Q&A with Simone if you have any further questions you would like to ask on the topic.

Lastly we will also be having a releasing ceremony. Where you will get the opportunity to release everything you are struggling with on paper and throw it in the bond fire.

This will be an EVENT to REMEMBER. One that will help you LET GO of what is NOT SERVING YOU and HELP you FIND YOUR LIGHT again.

To BOOK your TICKETS please WHATSAPP Candice on 071 214 1143.

COPING MECHANISMS VERSUS DEFENSE MECHANISMS

A coping mechanism is a conscious effort, strategy or behaviour we use to cope with stress, anxiety and emotional dysregulation. The goal of utilizing a coping mechanism is to manage, contain or decrease the difficulty or problem. There are various forms of coping mechanisms such as physical (exercise), emotional (talking about the problem), mental (reframing thoughts), spiritual (prayer), social (connecting with others) and creative or expressive (art and dancing).

A defense mechanism is a type of coping mechanism but it is usually an unconscious way people respond to stressful situations. Defense mechanisms are often unhealthy as it denies or distorts reality. Examples of defense mechanisms are denial (difficulty facing reality), projection (attributing our own issues onto others), displacement (e.g. misdirecting frustrations from work onto family) and rationalization (trying to convince yourself or justify difficult situations using a seemingly logical explanation).

The one is conscious, the other unconscious.
The one is adaptive, the other maladaptive.
The one is proactive, the latter, reactive.
It is self-preservation versus self-protection.

VULNERABILITY VERSUS SELF-PITY

Brené Brown defines vulnerability as emotional exposure that requires risk, with no certainty of the outcome. Increasingly people are recognizing the importance of vulnerability in order to improve and maintain their mental health. Self-pity on the other hand can be defined as excessive sadness about one’s own suffering.

People who experience self-pity often look at the situation through a limited lens. The focus is on the self, rooted in the belief that your problem is worse than others. There is an external locus of control meaning, the person believes the blame, responsibility and the solution is located outside of the self. Furthermore there is sometimes an expectation that others must fix the problem for them to prove that they care. Self-pity often disconnects the person from others. People who have self-pity are often really suffering, however don’t know how to process, express or communicate it effectively.

Vulnerability is about disclosing your emotions authentically without certainty of the outcome. Vulnerability is about becoming comfortable with feeling, tolerating and expressing a range of emotions. People start becoming comfortable with their vulnerability by practicing self-compassion. Self-pity is about feeling hurt, sadness or pity for yourself. Vulnerability is about feeling compassion and kindness for yourself. When you’re vulnerable, you have a broader lens and can see your own and other’s perspectives. Vulnerability often makes people feel more connected to each other.

Self-pity is about holding on, vulnerability is about letting go.
Self-pity looks externally, vulnerability attunes internally.
The one leads to resentment, the other one results in release.
The one causes isolation, the other leads to connection.