Strong.mama.moves

🌊✨Okey Dokey Folks! ✨🌊

I need your help! I’m trying to finalise my book name and tagline and it’d be good to get an idea of what speaks to you and would make you go

I wanna read it!

So I thought I’d do a few book cover mock ups because I’ll need one to do pre sale 😊

So any feedback there would be great too.

My thoughts are that part of its title is 💥BANG AVERAGE 😎 it makes sense for it to be
💥BANG AVERAGE💥 with a bit of 🌶 SPICE 🌶

I’m all ears, eyes and teeth 😁 let’s go!

I literally just bawled my eyes out 😂 please tell me I’m not the only one who can’t take endings?!

Just finished Golden Girls and feel like I’m going to have to start it over again to aside the feels 😆

🐅Some days can be fu***ng wild 🐅

Here I am, smiling my ass off yesterday and by 6pm that night I’d be crying pushing the pushchair; hiding under my hood , while walking along the road.

Not ‘good’ wild.

The s**tty thing about cPTSD is that triggers can be near on anything and can hit you out of nowhere.

The accompanying grief, like waves, can knock you on your ass if you’re not looking; take you under and give you a bit of a shake.

I slept terribly, mind filled with everything that I could possibly criticise about myself; the past; and every effort I’ve ever made.

This morning, oddly rested, I felt better.

Lighter.

Like I needed that storm to clear out some old janky beliefs and stored up feelings.

I had a great day and I saw how good a job I’m doing and how blessed I am. I was able to support someone through some tough emotions, spend time with wonderful friends and a lovely afternoon with Ruby; after having had a wonderful swim and writing session in the morning.

Healing and understanding yourself doesn’t mean that you don’t have bad days or avoid getting completely knocked for six.
When these days come, I feel like I’m back at square one…

But in understanding myself; how my body and mind respond; I release, as much as I can, control of the situation to let it flow over me.

I come back quicker. I lose less energy.
I experience fewer flare ups. The lows are shorter. I trust myself more.

I also understand that to be told to not overthink, or be more positive is deeply ableist.

I’ve gained so much more self acceptance and understanding since learning of my neurodivergence. It feels like it eggs on the aspects of cPTSD.

When I’m going through a tougher time, it feels like ADHD makes my short term memory shockingly poor and OCD compulsions ramp up. Autistic masking and scripting means often you’ll never know… Unless you catch me mid meltdown.

And yes, I do have a habit of over pathologising my existence and experience.

Slowly, I’m letting go and starting to feel much more freedom.

Because I decided that instead of being confined by any perceived limits, they’ve always been there and I’m fabulous. So there.

Reintegration is the s**z.

🌊17 Months Sober Today! Woop! 🌊

1 month off of the year and a half marks and I’m feeling good about it!

I’m looking out for bits for a potential sunny getaway in the New Year with Ruby with plans to launch my book and maybe it’ll even be the perfect setting to get cracking on the second.

I’m going in on life by design and this time I’m doing it slowly, more consciously and deliberately. Alcohol just wasn’t a part of the plan. I want to live a life that I don’t want to escape from.

That’s basically what my book is about. Recovering from perfectionism is really gnarly; as perfectionism and continual busyness and always over achieving was just another way for me to ignore what I was really feeling and dealing with.

Having Ruby was a massive wake up call in many ways because I’d realised I’d harboured a secret deep desire to have a family but always feigned ‘not being able to look after myself, let alone a child’, it was my party line for the question when it arose in dates/relationships.

I’ve seen that of myself in so many people I’ve worked with and talked to that it seemed a pretty good subject to broach.

I haven’t given up on cool, big goals; not at all.

Now though, I’m checking in to see if I actually want it… Or does my ego? Will it look impressive? Do I think that if I achieve X I will be more worthy of love/attention/security?

I’ve had to do this, as being a perfectionist and overachiever, as well as being neurdivergent and experiencing cPTSD - I can withstand a huge amount of pressure and discomfort (feels like home) so it’s easy enough for me to go off and achieve something difficult… But the feeling of emptiness when I got there because it didn’t make me happy was heavy.

Where I may have been ok to fritter away that kind of energy in my 20s,
That’s energy I could spend enjoying my little family and my life.

Ruby is watching.

Slowing down has been scary, letting go has been a challenge. But it’s opened up the space and time for me to arrive at what feels right for me. As well as being able to confidently say no to what isn’t.

It’s nice to stop living life life it’s an emergency.

🌿❤️ Plant Love ❤️🌿

I really fancied some plant canvasses for my room and initially thought of doing neon pink pots on a calico colour.

Instead I did glittery pink pots on glittery sand coloured paint and I love them.

I’ve really enjoyed being creative again and making my home space more pretty.

I never decorated anywhere I’ve lived, never really moved in or settled anywhere and I can trace it back to my dad not allowing us to paint Glenview (the house we lived in) it always had the off white walls.

It feels like a huge representation of the lack mindset and feelings of ‘never enough’ that saturated my mind and my life; the once I’ve got my own house I’ll decorate; once I’ve succeeded at X in business, then I’ll think about relationships.

I always moved the goalposts and so many of the things I achieved felt hollow because I never allowed myself to enjoy and celebrate things, or just be thankful because I was already into worrying about how to get the next level.

One of my favourite books is Feel The Fear and Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffers, I reference it a few times in my own book. In it she talks about living 💯 in every situation, home, relationship because if you’re always living like life is temporary it feels like life is never enough.

I love the personality that’s growing in our home and I feel proud of it.

Part of my not decorating kept me harbouring a feeling of shame and I knew I was using it as a way to delay meeting someone or for inviting people over or so I could feel a sense of being judged.

There are so many subtle ways you can self sabotage that you’d never even think about unless it popped up.

Does this resonate with you?

🌿🌊🥰 This is my Peace 🥰🌊🌿

Some days… I don’t really want to smile… Yet, I do it anyway.

This year has presented me with more clarity and answers than I ever expected and with it comes the processing and unavoidable grief.

I’m incredibly proud of myself for how hard I’ve worked on healing; how hard I’ve pushed and fought to get the answers I’ve been seeking all my adult life for.

Yet, the heaviness of the grief of having had to heal, or fight to live in my autonomy is really overwhelming.

I keep seeing the post about dreaming of never being called resilient again and I feel it deep in my soul.

There’s something that’s so important to remember when it comes to healing, growing and remembering who the f**k you are. It’s that there’s always going to be shedding of layers and growing pains.

I’m in a position now where I have so much I could have only dreamt of and I think that’s why the grief is sitting so heavy. I’m tired. I kind of wish I was there already, healed.

But where is there? And what is healed? It’s a lifelong journey.

So what happened? I didn’t allow myself to feel my emotions around a brave step I took. I drowned myself in toxic positivity and dissociative scrolling.

I asked for an answer, a sign, to be pointed in the right direction…

And I dropped my phone down the toilet and it didn’t survive. 🤣

Sometimes, what we need will come in a pretty annoying format.

I’ve been working on this for a while now and I’m pretty good at it. My progress huge, but it’s easy to forget that it’s still early days and I still fall prey to old perfectionistic expectations and habits when I’m scared of making my next moves.

If you resonate with this, please take this as a sign to give yourself some extra love and compassion. Reach out and talk to a friend, don’t feel it by yourself.

I’m often viscerally, acutely aware that it’s just me and Ruby. It’s hard to explain what it feels like to have lost all your family to either death, or having to leave because it was better and less lonely to not be a part of it.

It’s okay to find healing hard work, it’s a journey and it’s ok to get tired.

As Banksy says, “it’s ok to rest, just don’t quit” 💜

It’s and I’m working on decompressing.

I hope you can find peace in the knowledge that you’re trying and that all storms must run out of rain.

I’m working on this painting and I’m not sure where I’m going with it yet, that’s why I like painting and creating. It’s a bit of a life metaphor for me.

Sometimes I have an idea and I just give it a go. I lay down really rough imperfect scribbles and just trust that it doesn’t matter what fu***ng mess I make of it, I’ll find a way of bringing it together and it being uniquely beautiful and a little out of the box.

Ruby daubed some blue on the yellow behind the ‘e’ of love and it looks better.

I’ve mentally criticised myself all day and found habits popping up trying to sabotage myself because things are going well.

So, I messaged my friends and I was honest about it and the beautiful souls they were offered support and that was enough for me to remember I am safe, I’m whole and it’s ok that I’m scared - after decades of my default emotions being guilt, shame and struggle, it’s taking a hot minute to break the circuit trip that sends me into those sucky feels.

When you understand that your body and brain are just trying to keep you safe, it can be a little bit easier to show yourself compassion.

But as social creatures that we are as human beings, asking for help and allowing yourself to be vulnerable with people that make you feel safe is the key to unlocking yourself.

F*** the news.

Turn it off and find something silly.

Be patient with yourself, it’s going to be ok.

Love ❤️

Image description [an unfinished painted sun with the word love]

I’ve been feeling super sensitive the last few days. Lots of tears, lots of that pit stomach grief feeling, lots of masking and looking on top of the game and then realising a little too late that I’ve needed to check in with myself and how I really feel.

I future trip hard. There’s a difference between visualisation and obsessively overthinking the future or trying to control how you arrive there.

The longer I’ve worked on my healing and the more disciplines I’ve crossed, the more I’m coming to understand the whole concept of manifestation and why it does and doesn’t work. Which basically feeds back into the oversimplified version most people are accustomed to - if you have a death grip on your life, goals and outcomes and how you reach them, the more elusive the ‘happy ending’ becomes; the less possible it feels.

You have to let go and remember that you can only have basic control in the present moment, that literal single present moment.

This is a fu***ng nightmare for any of us who have lived lives of uncertainty, had to grow up too quickly or shoulder more than our fair share of responsibility and carry a load made to be shared equally and love by many.

I’m consciously aware of this, On so many levels, yet practising it is terrifying, exhausting and upsetting at times because rewing out my deep set neural pathways isn’t an overnight thing. Not to mention everyday life challenges being like that gladiator challenge where people hit you with giant cotton ear buds trying to knock you off one of those ridiculous slippery logs.

Writing is bringing a lot up for me because I’m conscious I’m writing the lessons I’ve learned and develop upon. What I’m remembering is that NOT self developing is so important too.

Sometimes I do so much ‘work’ that I need to remind myself that I’m whole and complete as I am. Continuous self development can send a message to yourself that you don’t feel good enough as you are;
negating the point.

I’m trying my best this weekend to remove purpose from my plans with Ruby.

To exist.

To enjoy.

To be present.

To do whatever we feel like for the sake of it.

I can only do my best at this 😂 I’ll try.

I’m finding it a bit of a drag to show up on social media when I’m writing too but I’ve been thinking a lot after having so many conversations with people about what I’m writing.

So many people feeling unseen, unheard, hurting, not sure when it’s ok or safe to be themselves; losing themselves in the process of trying to get the support or connection they deserve and need.

I’ve lost myself so many times in this process and almost died in it. In finding out about my own neurodivergence and the masking, I’ve been rolling back and forth and all around the grief cycle over and over again as I come to realise how many adaptions I’ve made; how many were necessary and how many I can let go of.

I’m so nervous about writing my book because it puts me directly in the line of fire and criticism and after some pretty nasty encounters I forgive myself for wanting to sit it out.

The other day I did another TikTok video asking neurodivergent mums if they thought they’d masked and got ignored in childbirth and some of the stories coming back were absolutely heartbreaking.

When I doubt sharing my stories, I sometimes forget that how I’ve handled my experiences could help someone else, or just sharing it could let someone else see that they deserved to be heard; to be seen; to be supported.

So, I guess the point I’m making here is that if you have a story you want to share, you deserve to share it a s you may just be helping someone else to see that they aren’t alone.

You don’t need to be more or less of anything - you are inspiring and special exactly as you are.

Image description [you. exactly as you’ll the way you are. I love that s**t.]

cptsd

I’ve seen a few posts relating to women feeling unsafe after the awful news of Sabina Nessa being attacked and killed in London.

After having experienced cPTSD emotional flashback at the weekend after memories resurfacing, when I was followed and narrowly missed attack by a split second, where I caught the guy right behind me after having followed me from Oxford Street to Hoxton, by bus (2 separate ones) i had been targeted by a group working together to create a distraction of another suspicious male.

This came little under a year after a court case of a man who was stalking me and following me, as a member of the gym I’d never spoken to.

I would like to share what I’ve learned based on trauma study and maybe it will help someone.

I am by no means an expert, but by lived experience.

Questions re: r**e alarms

I think it pays to take whatever precautions so you have options, they are VERY loud, and may cause the attacker to bolt so yes, they’re worth having in my opinion.

You can be prepared, but you can’t pre-empt what you would do in the situation in that moment as your fight, flight or freeze mechanism will kick in.
# #
This is why it’s really angering when people say ‘why didn’t they fight back, run away etc’ and very clear that they’ve never experienced a situation where fight, flight or freeze kicks in - it is a autonomic survival reaction; the fact that some people, like myself, can manage to partially override it is why we end up with PTSD as we don’t let our bodies carry out the full process in the way that animals do.

To come out with ridiculous victim blaming and shaming comments like that reflects mysogyny.

If there is anything absolutely worth doing, learn self defense.

Having that in your metaphorical toolkit could absolutely save you; attackers aren’t expecting their ‘victims’ to fight back in anyway - be that physically or verbally challenging them.

I’m going to be popping Ruby into classes when I can.

On that note,

This is why it’s so important not to tell white lies to children, or encourage them to prioritise being polite over being safe. Doing this jeopardises natural gut intuition and puts them at risk.

I was routinely gaslit throughout life and at the times where I fell prey to potential attackers was a time where I was being criticised for my standards by people I loved.

If you’ve experienced gaslighting or feel like you don’t trust yourself or judgement, it’s a good idea to gain support to regain and fine tune your gut instincts.

While feeling fearful is a natural reaction, it’s not a state you want to retain as career criminals have been interviewed and referenced reading body language.

Take precautions needed, absolutely, empower yourself to be safe and vigilant of danger, but please don’t shrink your life in fear.

We were all about enjoying the sun in the park on yesterday with our wonderful friends Karen and Willow 🥰

I’m grateful for Ruby every day, she’s challenged and supported me to work towards becoming a better person and mummy.

Not to mention giving me the gift of becoming a mummy full stop.

She shows me the beauty of being in the present moment, appreciating the small things in life and helping me in learning to play again.

I’m so proud of her 🥰 she loves to play with her friends, takes big risks in learning and play and freely expresses her emotions and empathy.

She loves the seaside and animals and has settled into nursery a dream.

I’m so grateful to Ruby for giving me the opportunity to heal and grow and understand myself in a way that I wouldn’t have done without her. She’s helped me to remember and learn of my worth. She’s given me the opportunity to better understand
disability and what it means to be physically and mentally healthy.

Our children hold wisdom and knowledge that we lose through conditioning.

If you really want to learn about the world, yourself or re-centre yourself, it’s worth taking the time to slow down and follow your little ones lead for a day and see it through their eyes.

🌱

I’m on a long road of learning and reparenting myself. Through my writing journey I’m really able to take stock of how far I’ve come. I’m losing my parents and then ending up becoming a family of 2, the loss and pain of grief still have the power to floor me some days.

It’s not easy, cPTSD.

Being depended on when not feeling like I have anyone to depend on in the form of relations or a partner can be overwhelming.

Yet, here we are doing a great job together.

Book writing hashtags

🌱🎍🪴Plant Love 🪴🎍🌱

The irony is that I’m not fantastic at looking after my plants; not terrible, but not great.

For redecorating my flat, everything has started out as an idea and I’m just catching up to the ideas.

I quite fancied painting a line of plant pots for above my bed; I was thinking calico background, a khaki green colour and neon pink pots with that raised stained glass paint to do the lines…

So I thought I’d give it a go in more colours on paper first.

Sometimes when I go without practise into a canvas it goes really well and I’m definitely better at art when I’m not being a perfectionist.

Sometimes though, it’s a good idea to have a practise run and a play around.

I’d really like to do 12 or 16 mini canvasses like the ducks in the bathroom for the kitchen, with lots of kitchen bits and seaside bits.

It’s been really nice tapping back into enjoying my creative side. I love to create and I love to write, so working on both of these things more has been really lovely.

I’m experiencing more days where I have anxiety and fibromyalgia symptoms in slowing down and ‘breaking the habit of being myself’.

I get bouts of time where I experience loneliness and fear, guilt because I’m starting over again and taking some time now that Ruby’s DLA decision came through to actually rest the way that I have needed for the past couple of years where it wasn’t an option.

I’m still finding moments where imposter syndrome creeps in as I work through the chapters in my book, as now I’ve learned of my neurodivergence, a whole set of other reasons to wait have come in.

What I’ve learned and applied to help myself through the last few years though, will very likely speak to people who are looking for exactly those things though.

I will very highly likely write more after the first when I learn more.

I’m seeing the whole divine timing thing shining through, because as I write I can see how I really wasn’t ready to do this before.

It’s nice being on a journey amd not feeling like I’m under pressure.

Part of me would love to be the person that could write and complete a book in 30 days, which I will, however, with the intention of taking time for redrafts.

The saga continues… 😂

Well, you can imagine my horror as I stepped up to the pool to see that it’s also 50M Wednesdays… 😱

Okay, not actual horror, I just noticed.😂

On Monday, I set aside my ego, was super kind to myself and settled at 300m of chill drills…

Not today.

Today, I remembered that not only can I do the 50m but they are getting better.

I got 750m of drills in today and they feel even better than before.

I am as pleased as fu***ng punch and it’s given me a new lease of excitement to get cracking with my book writing today.

Yes, I get slammed with overwhelm pretty much every day with it and want to just not, because it feels like a demand…

Yes, even though no one is demanding of me and it’s something I’ve always wanted to complete…

Sure, I still procrastinated for an hour to pick where to land, but instead of shaming my ND urges, I reminded myself that shame burns # # energy that could be used to make words when I set myself down.

So here I am, ready to go and feeling pleased with myself.

I also made effort to have a wee chat with some folkies at the pool, I’ve been dipping into my self sabotage habit of isolating myself thinking I will focus better, when really it feeds the belief that I’m more socially anxious than I am.

Remember, incremental, non-judgemental baby steps make for big waves 🌊 once the fear slowly dissipates and your confidence rises.

🥰 I wrote this pre-writing and made it past 5250 words, not bad for 3 hours in 2 days.

So, I continue 🥸

What did you do today that made you proud?

If you’d like to gain some clarity on what steps you need to take towards your bigger goals and you’d like support to do so, let’s have a call ☎️

🤩🥳16 Months Alcohol Free Today 🥳🤩
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The morning at the seaside 🌊 was beautiful, but energetically I am still tapped out.

By late afternoon, when Ruby hasn’t taken a nap, I was beat.

I forget sometimes how challenging things can be, how exhausting guessing is; how if I’m tired and sensory overloaded and can’t get space it feels like my skin is going to burst clean off my bones.

I hadn’t done a workout, but my entire body was sore.

Where I wouldn’t change myself, sometimes the combination of neurodivergence and cPTSD really wipes me out so much.

Mainly because explaining where I need help or to be cut a break is usually met by gaslighting. So sometimes, I’ve fallen into the habit of withdrawing myself and gaslighting myself.

Given that I’m raising Ruby alone, the nursery time is the only time I get to recharge, the rapid change in circumstance this week hit me harder than anything else.

But being neurotypical passing, to say I find that hard is usually read as my being difficult or ungrateful or selfish.

I can see why I’m so exhausted in gradually unmasking because I’m coming to see how hard I’ve had to mask and regulate.

I’ve still a lot to learn about myself.

Hopefully, it means I can do well by Ruby.

This year has been a big year in growth and also in getting more answers than I could have ever expected in an incredibly short period of time.

At the start of the year I remember feeling stumped after coming to a point in my personal study around trauma where something was missing and it didn’t make sense.

Then BOOM 💥 revelations of being autistic, ADHD and OCD filled in those gaps of why it didn’t make sense before.

and BOOM 💥

Aspects of sociology covering identity and why people collectively act in a way that seems counterintuitive to psychology filled in some more gaps.

Here’s the thing…

It’s one thing to understand.

It’s entirely another to put everything into practise when you have lived your life a certain way for a long time.

Patience is so valuable, however, can feel pretty inaccessible if you’re traumatised and/or neurodivergent.

Learning to feel safe in joy if chaos feels like home - it takes time.

Days like today aren’t for pushing through.

In my overtiredness I’ve cried my eyes out, been impatient with Roo’s energy in my lack and folded my contact lens in my eye.

Mid cycle breaking, this is still one of the toughest.

Days where things are going well, I feel really joyful and peaceful; the fact I’m closing in on finally finishing writing a book - this is the time my body and mind conspire to pull the rug out from under my feet.

Ruby got sent home from nursery for feeling a bit poorly, was hot overnight and naturally I worried and didn’t sleep well.

Today, with a runny nose in tow, Ruby has been full of beans compared with my tapped out, zapped out, sensory overloaded self.

It’s not a day to push.

It’s a day to rest.

I understand all of the components of potential self sabotage from these sets of obstacles, circumstances and the triggered feeling I get from being tired.

I’ve already made the mistakes.

I spoke yesterday about incremental change, this here is an example of why I need it!

Recovering from perfectionism, over achieving, addiction to burnout and people pleasing is a gentle process.

One that doesn’t benefit from loading on shame courtesy of the inner critic.

Finally, Ruby went down for a nap and we’ll be meeting a friend for a walk in the gorgeous sun in the afternoon.

I’m safe in the present moment.

Nothing has changed from yesterday, other than being subconsciously terrified of living in joy; of actually achieving my goals.

It’s been a long road and I guess, actually, relatively quick for the depths I’ve had to rise from.

I felt compelled to share, just as a little reminder that it’s fine to sit it out and gather your breath.

It’s fine to get lost in the dissociative scroll, if you can remember to strip the shame away from it.

Fear won’t win this time.