Shira Myrow Therapy

Some people do and some people don’t.

This myth is essentially the belief that we have a pre-ordained romantic destiny where some of us win the jackpot while others of us are inexplicably unlucky in love.

While having an immediate s*xual attraction is one way of identifying connection, it isn’t always a sign of long-term compatibility because love often becomes conflated with lust.

Conversely, dismissing someone right off the bat (unless you have a strong aversion to them) doesn’t give you or them a moment to get past a superficial assessment.

The upshot? SLOW LOVE.

If you sense a connection, (without the red flags) don't write it off, without giving it a chance to develop.

Allowing the relationship time to grow and evolve is a better way to assess long-term compatibility.

Have you met your "The One" yet?

According to couples therapist Esther Perel, "We tend to think of being single as a matter of being alone rather than a matter of choosing the types of relationships we want to be in—including the relationship we have with ourselves.

The relational world is no longer divided between “who is in a relationship” and “who is not.” The better question now is “What is your state of relatedness?”

I love the distinction she makes: choosing what relationships we want to be in and HOW we want to be in relationship.

What do you think? And is "singleness" losing its stigma?

Having healthy expectations of ourselves and of others can keep the bar elevated when seeking and maintaining a loving relationship.

But the pursuit of perfection can be a trap.

Do you consider yourself as "The One"?

Comment below 👇

💕 I call the "parallel lives syndrome" (while married or partnered) non-benign neglect.

Even if there isn't an intent to disconnect, leaving your relationship to fend for itself is a recipe for gradual erosion.

👬 Are you checked out of your relationship? Is your partner?

What kinds of things do you do to engage more with each other?

My first Summit at Sea.
So many incredible, progressive minds…all on one ship.

Human beings are wired for social connection. And yet modern life is so atomized, many people struggle with loneliness, social anxiety, and isolation.

While AI Relationship companionship bots may seem somewhat basic now, will they evolve into legitimate substitutes at some not-too-distant point in the future?

Thoughts?

Liz Gilbert doesn’t mince words here and sometimes recognizing the truth can feel brutal.

No one can hold up a negative mirror more clearly than an intimate partner can.

It takes courage and discernment to evaluate how much of that mirror has some truth value so we can take responsibility for how we are actually operating in our relationships.

✨The key to transformation here is curiosity and compassion, and the commitment to changing the behaviors that don’t serve us or our relationship.

✨The first bloom of a matilija poppy in my garden.

Looks like a sunny side up egg!

A "situationship" is a term used to describe a relationship dynamic that falls somewhere between a casual relationship and a committed romantic relationship.

It refers to a situation where two individuals are involved in a romantic or s*xual connection but have not defined the relationship or committed to each other in any concrete way.

In situationships, you can act like you are dating but there are no established conversations about what’s going on.

While this can be part of a normal “getting to know you” phase, it can also breed anxiety and ambiguity if it persists for a long stretch of time.

What comes up for you when you think of situationships?

It reminds me of a version of my favorite Zen Koan:

“Before enlightenment, chop wood and carry water.

After enlightenment, chop wood and carry water.

Only it feels different.”

And for those of us mortals that are striving towards awakening-- sometimes I wonder if the answer is to approach the mental load of daily life and the demands of relationships with more mindfulness or reduce my expectations or take a few things off the list of things to do? Or all of the above?

Thoughts?

✨You don’t need grand vacations to re-create the spark—but rather the imagination and the mutual intention to widen the repertoire of things you know.

According to Mark Epstein, the author of “Open to Desire”--the answer is YES. We all have desires…

“Desire is a teacher: When we immerse ourselves in it without guilt, shame, or clinging, it can show us something special about our own minds that allows us to embrace life fully.

Anxiety and desire are two, often conflicting orientations to the unknown. Both are tilted toward the future. Desire implies a willingness or a need to engage in this unknown, while anxiety suggests a fear of it.

Desire takes one out of oneself, into the possibility of a relationship, but it also takes one deeper into oneself. “

‌________

When was the last time you sat down and asked yourself what your relationship is to your desires? What does the seeking reveal to you about yourself?

And by harshness, I mean criticism, contempt, nagging, monologuing, sarcasm, yelling, and even kitchen-sinking can feel harsh and badgering.

Terry Real goes on to say:

“Before we can provide corrective emotional experiences for each other, we must learn how to tend to our own immature parts, to our own reactivity, to our avoidance, our long-suffering frustration. We must master the art of relational mindfulness and retake the reins.”

“The real work of relationships is not occasional, or even daily: it is minute-to-minute. In this triggered moment right now, which path am I going to take? Rather than being overridden by your history, you can stop, pause, and choose.”
― Terrence Real, Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship

This has been my favorite book on couples for over a year! Worth the read.

According to Logan Ury, author of How to Not Die Alone: The Surprising Science That Will Help You Find Love (https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/84737483):

"Some of the best relationships come from a slow burn rather than a spark. The important thing to remember is that its absence doesn’t predict failure, and its presence doesn’t guarantee success.
‌
The spark is neither necessary nor sufficient for long-term relationship happiness.” Contrary advice for the romantically inclined.
What do you think?
‌
Please follow me for more information on relationships.

Nagging can be a frustrating behavior for both the person doing the nagging and the person being nagged. It is also a terrible way to communicate. It breeds resentment on both sides.
‌
Stay tuned for the antidote!

If you’ve been married long enough, you know what I’m talking about.

While the idea of hating your romantic partner is “normal” it may come as a shock to those who have idealized romantic relationships.

👉 It’s okay to hate your partner.

“There are going to be moments when you look at your partner, and think there is a part of you that just hates their guts,” relationship expert Terry Real says. What I want to say is, ‘Welcome to marriage. Welcome to long-term relationships.’ ”
‌
💡 HERE’S WHAT YOU CAN DO:

1 _______ Stop idealizing relationships.

2 _______ Normal marriages or long-term partnerships are not happy all the time: relationships follow a consistent cycle: harmony and closeness; disruption; and repair and a return to closeness.

3 _______ Think of your relationship as an ecosystem where any disruption hurts you just as much or worse than it affects your partner. Stop thinking like two individuals, and start thinking relationally.
‌
💡 Longer term strategies include:

4 _______ Learning how to make effective repairs so resentment doesn’t take root.

5 _______ Accepting your partners imperfections.

What comes up for you when you think of Normal Martial Hatred?

Grand gestures can be exciting, memorable and romantic. And there should certainly be effort towards creating special moments.
‌
AND, Dr. Gottman’s research shows that “Small things, often” create deep feelings of security, affection and connection in a relationship over time.

What kind of small things do you do often for your partner to show your love?

______

Follow @‌shiramyrow_mft for more relationship advice

It is rare that we can bypass the inflation and disillusionment of the romantic love projection.

It seems like is often necessary to our becoming and yet often, it is the very place where we can get stuck.

What do you think?

Follow for more relationship content

It is absolutely normal to compare your relationship to others because we are wired for social comparison.

However research shows that making frequent upward comparisons can lead to feeling worse about yourself, your partner and your relationship.

You might feel more pessimistic and dissatisfied or believe that you are missing out on a better relationship.

If those feelings are prompted by persistent issues, then that’s a sign to get help. But if they are prompted by upward comparisons, try to get clear on what positive aspects you want to cultivate more of in your relationship such as intimacy, affection, and connection.

Keep in mind, no one has a perfect relationship.
‌
Do you find yourself making upward comparisons?

What’s the difference between someone who is narcissistic and someone who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

And why does Narcissism seem so rampant?

"Anger is an absolutely necessary, natural, intelligent emotion. It lets us know that we either have an unmet need, a boundary has been crossed, or we have hit an obstacle that we need to act on or come into acceptance of.

BUT when we get perpetually hijacked by anger, our identity becomes organized around anger.

Anger then is no longer a passing emotion or state of mind, it can become an ongoing trait where we reflexively resort to blame, criticism and resentment or even stonewalling." --Tara Brach

Anger creates internal suffering because we are cut off from the wholeness of our being and from others. The anger can often block us from receiving love, and leave us feeling more alone despite our protestations otherwise.

Mindfulness invites us to turn inward: By first learning to slow down and pause, go inside, and then investigate—so that we can determine what it is that we truly need, respond to our partner with discernment, compassion and awareness--- versus emotional reactivity.

By 'Leftovers” I mean the tired, irritable, hungry, hangry, exhausted Self that is completely spent and has nothing left to give at the end of a long day to your partner or your children.

It makes sense on one level, and yet ultimately it’s an unconscious move that communicates you take your partner for granted and don’t cherish them.

The antidote? Take a moment to remind yourself who you are coming home to. why you have chosen them and how you can show up with presence and gratitude.

What do you do with your leftovers?

Dr. Gottman goes on to say: "The end of that marriage could have been predicted long before either spouse strayed."

Affairs are often borne out of missed windows (or sliding door moments) for connection and emotional responsiveness as partners unconsciously begin to take each other for granted.

If you feel your relationship is "flatlining" into complacency or prolonged periods of disconnection, have you considered couples therapy?

It’s a mistake to think a stable but “flat” marriage is not at risk.

It turns out there is not one reason why people stop having s*x.

People often attribute stress, fatigue and the kids and the loss of intimacy as major reasons, but there can be many more factors.
‌
Are there any surprises for you?

So many of us feel like this is a deal breaker. And often it can be.

They won’t go to therapy.

They won’t read a book.

They are content enough with the way things are.

But two things to consider: your partner may be trying to show love and engagement in ways you are not registering. It’s important to ask them so you understand.

And most importantly, their lack of motivation on improving relationship has nothing to do with your worthiness.
‌
What story do you tell yourself about your partner “not working” on the relationship?

I have the pleasure of introducing Ana Genske, AMFT into my counseling practice.

A fellow Pacifica graduate, Ana is deeply invested in helping individuals integrate and live from a core of authenticity and self-knowledge. She is trained in the Comprehensive Resource Model, a modality that incorporates Guided Imagery, Inner Child Work and Somatic Awareness to promote healing and lasting change.

In her work with couples, she applies the attachment-based theory of Emotionally Focused Therapy to heighten self-awareness, and awareness of the authentic other, facilitating clearer, more honest and vulnerable communication.

She is now accepting clients, both individuals and couples over tele-health

For more information: https://www.shiramyrowtherapy.com/about

Or to learn more about her practice directly. [email protected]

How is it that we can spend tons of time together but still feel so lonely?

We can be sitting five inches apart from each other in the same bed, but on our phones and mentally, a million miles away.

Intimacy isn’t so much about proximity as it is about the quality of the connection we have to our partner.

Intimacy, in all its forms, helps us feel safe and secure because at the core--it’s the deep, invisible glue that holds a relationship together.

Can you sense when you feel intimate with each other?

We hear so much about insecure attachment styles. But what does secure attachment look like in adults?

Swipe to see a few traits to look for.

What does healthy attachment look like to you?