The Couple Zone - DFW

How to Be Kind When You’re Upset With Your Partner

gottman.com Kindness is not just important in the heat of an argument.

We have not posted much recently. I have been struggling with finding the right words to say about the racial injustices that keep occurring in the United States. We were scheduled to do another conversation on attachment in relationships, but it did not feel right to keep to the schedule and thus keep silent on the recent and historical events that need to be faced and talked about. We need to get uncomfortable. Change is not easy; it is painful. Change requires us to see the biases we are not fully aware we carry or are fully aware we carry but have done nothing about, because the bias benefits us. We would like to add our voices to many others to say it is time, which is long overdue, to get uncomfortable and collectively change.

I think it is important to add that we, at the DFW office, are white women and I am not here to talk about our feelings. I am here to discuss anti-racism and how we can actively work towards being anti-racist. I have done a lot of reading and listening. That is going to be the first step. Listen to others whose experiences are different than yours. There is no way we can understand another person’s experience without putting aside our fears, biases, and insecurities and open our minds to become curious. I implore you to acknowledge those barriers within yourself. Being mindful of these barriers allows more space to authentically reflect. If a person of color is talking/typing, listen to what they have to say and if it makes you uncomfortable begin to think about why that is. Do not immediately respond if you are swirling in your own emotion; take a slow, deep, belly breath. Pause. Sit with the emotion. Name it. Why is it coming up?

If you are interested in learning more about anti-racism work do not ask your black friends. They are probably exhausted, and you can google resources. There are a lot of them! Read books written by people of color! There are many lists floating around right now, and a quick google search will pull some up. If you do not like to read, you can always use audible or one of the libraries apps to listen (it is free!).
Start thinking about your gut reactions to people, why do you feel that way? Is this based on a stereotype you might have learned from those around you? Do you feel like some people are better than others? Where did you learn that? How can you unlearn this?

Now if you have gotten this far and you are thinking I am crazy or calling you out, sit with that and think about why that is. If you are struggling with any of these things: In all honesty, we all are and should be, because these are hard and uncomfortable conversations. I urge you to join online communities that are having these conversations. Speak with your trusted friends, partners, or a therapist who has done their own work to process your thoughts and feelings.

We see black people. We see the injustices. We are ready for change.

Lockdown with Your Partner: A Wake-Up Call? | Dr. Sue Johnson

"Our attachment relationships are the primary safe haven for humans. We are a bonding species. Facing the virus can bring us together or it drive us apart and render us more vulnerable than ever."

drsuejohnson.com So now suddenly, you have time together. In fact, oceans of time! Does your heart leap at the thought of more time with your partner or does it begin to sink into doubt and despair? Joan tells me, “Me and Bob have had our problems, but facing this together is ...

Esther Perel's Secret to Weathering an Affair

This week we are discussing affairs/infidelity. Esther Perel is an amazing resource for anyone struggling with these issues in their relationship. Here's an article discussing some of the outcomes for those who choose to stay in their relationships and the ways couples can weather an affair.

psychotherapynetworker.org Two Ways Couples Who Bounced Back Made It Happen

Lori Gottlieb

I'm currently reading Maybe You Should Talk To Someone and something really stuck with me. "You won't get today back". We often rush through life, so busy and working towards our goals. I find myself slipping back into this routine and even though I'm spending my days at home, they're flying by. How do we get comfortable sitting with our thoughts and not filling the time with things that don't mean much to us e.g. mindlessly scrolling through social media?

Once you notice what you're doing, pause, take a deep slow breath, and ask yourself what you would enjoy doing instead? Maybe it's a nap. Maybe it's play time. Maybe it's reading a book that you'd enjoy. Whatever you choose remember, "you won't get today back" and this moment is all we have.

Psychotherapist and author of The New York Times bestseller, MAYBE YOU SHOULD TALK TO SOMEONE. I write the "Dear Therapist" advice column for The Atlantic.

“This Is What Happens to Couples Under Stress”: An Interview with Esther Perel

What a great article, especially during times of social isolation. She discusses many issues that can arise when isolating with your partner and how to manage them! A key point I've taken away is setting up boundaries & structure with your partner, so we are able to reconnect after work or on the weekend.

newyorker.com The therapist, author, and podcast host offers wisdom on navigating romantic relationships under quarantine.

Postpartum Husband

What about resources for partners to help support their wife, who's just had a new baby? I see partners desperately wanting to help and not knowing what to do. Picking up some slack around the house, helping mom stay hydrated & eating well are some good ideas, but if you're worried more is going on check out "The Postpartum Husband" by Karen Kleiman. This book is concise and straight forward.

amazon.com Postpartum Husband

There is so much stigma surrounding motherhood. One of my favorite resources to help support mothers is Karen Kleiman's: Good Moms Have Scary Thoughts. It's short and comic book style, (who has the time or energy to read a full book with a new baby!?), and it will let moms know they are not alone. Intrusive scary thoughts are not fun and the mother's in our lives shouldn't have to suffer in silence!

https://postpartumstress.com/get-help-2/are-you-having-scary-thoughts/praise-for-good-moms-have-scary-thoughts/

We reached 300 likes today!! Thank you all so much for your contributions. We hope to continue creating & sharing content that is helpful. Let us know below, what you would like to see more of!

This really stuck with us this week.

"A haiku for quarantined couples:

Don't snap so quickly
Behind the criticism
is a plea for help."

It's easy to snap back or get frustrated with our partners. If we can work on giving each other the benefit of the doubt and remember that we aren't out to get one another, it will help soften the blow of feeling criticized.

P.S. if you know who wrote this haiku, please let us know so we can give credit where credit is due!

Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love

If you're looking for creative date ideas this weekend check out Eight Dates! This book is super helpful. At the end of each chapter there are cheap stay-at-home date ideas as well as lists of questions to learn about your partner. Let us know if you try any!

gottman.com John and Julie Gottman's new book, "Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love," is available everywhere now!