OliveMe Counseling - Joanne B. Kim, Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist

Perfectionism, Imposter Syndrome, Self-doubt, Self-sabotage...

This is what the majority of people I work with struggle with, even though everyone else around them would be SHOCKED to hear that this is what's going on for them on the inside.

So many brilliant women for various reasons have learned to SURVIVE by making ourselves SMALLER, LESSER, QUIETER.
..and for what? Is it worth the cost?

The longer we stay here, the more we believe in our own defense mechanism messages in our head and hearts...
..until our BODY just fu***ng CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE 🤬

Burnout and resentment doesn't have to be the default destination for us.

We might have used these messages to help us navigate situations when we were ACTUALLY vulnerable (when we were younger), but they're no longer serving us anymore.

Time for a change, to throw out expired messages!

Grab a copy of this book and take a step towards reclaiming your RIGHTFUL WORTH & POWER! ❤️

https://amzn.to/4ahSqJy

Perfectionism, Imposter Syndrome, Self-doubt, Self-sabotage...

This is what the majority of people I work with struggle with, even though everyone else around them would be SHOCKED to hear that this is what’s going on for them on the inside.

So many brilliant women for various reasons have learned to SURVIVE by making ourselves SMALLER, LESSER, QUIETER.
..and for what? Is it worth the cost?

The longer we stay here, the more we believe in our own defense mechanism messages in our head and hearts...
..until our BODY just fu***ng CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE 🤬

Burnout and resentment doesn’t have to be the default destination for us.

We might have used these messages to help us navigate situations when we were ACTUALLY vulnerable (when we were younger), but they’re no longer serving us anymore.

Time for a change, to throw out expired messages!

Grab a copy of this book and take a step towards reclaiming your RIGHTFUL WORTH & POWER! ❤️

https://amzn.to/4ahSqJy

Though the dominant instinct HELPED a person navigate difficult times before (e.g., when the person's a powerless, resourceless child), at a certain point, this very thing is what starts CREATING problems (because that's what it knows how to "solve").

In personal growth using the Enneagram, we are to find out our dominant instincts and REIN IT IN so that we can give a chance for other instincts to show up. Otherwise, it'll be like seeing everything as a nail just because we're only holding a hammer.

Put down the hammer so that you can use other tools that might be more helpful in a given moment.

Learn more about Enneagram Subtypes and Instincts here: Link in bio > Blogs > "What are Enneagram Instincts & Subtypes?"

https://www.olivemecounseling.com/blog/instincts-subtypes

Surprise, surprise...Our autopilot Enneagram types also show up in the workplace, giving us the *impression* that we're doing what we're supposed to when in fact it's actually keeping us STUCK (maybe even sabotaging us!).

Written by my Enneagram teacher Beatrice Chestnut (who also wrote The Complete Enneagram and co-authored The Enneagram Guide to Waking Up), The Nine Types of Leadership highlights each Enneagram type's go-to patterns.

🔺 If these ego-based traits are ALIGNED with our workplace, they are *seen* as strengths and are REINFORCED (to our ultimate detriment).

We are rewarded for operating in our defense mechanisms, and the company continues to benefit AT OUR EXPENSE. (Looking at you competency types - Enneagram 1s, 3s, 5s, and assertive types - 3s, 7s, 8s.)

🔺 If our Enneagram type's traits are MISALIGNED with our workplace, we are unfairly PUNISHED and SHAMED, as if the problem lies with us (and not the toxic environment we might be in).

We are more likely to ABSORB other people's bu****it, stress, and responsibility like sponges, rather than putting up proper boundaries and being assertive. (Pay attention, Enneagram 2s, 4s, and 6s!)

If you're struggling in your professional realm, I would highly recommend you grab this book so that you look at what's happening through the lens of ego-driven defense mechanisms. Take ownership of what's your responsibility and GROW BEYOND your type structure.

DON'T take on what belongs to other people!

https://amzn.to/4ajKyY3

I came across this beautiful quote by Dr. James Rouse that summarizes why it's so important to not judge ourselves for having done what we said we wouldn't do, or not doing what we said we would do.

Read more on being gentler with yourself along with some growth ideas here:

Link in bio > Blogs > "Why Self-Judgment Doesn't Help But Actually Keeps You Stuck"

https://www.olivemecounseling.com/blog/self-judgment

COMPASS, not DESTINATION. 🧭

We're halfway through the year! This year might have turned out like NOTHING you imagined, and the beginning of the year might feel like it was eons ago.

If you set a New Year's Resolution, chances are that you broke it by now, NOT because you're a failure, but because resolutions are outcomes-oriented and motivation-driven.

You set a goal and have a burst of motivation in the beginning of the year to pursue it for a few days, a few weeks, MAYBE a few months.

But once that motivation dies out (or life throws a million things at you and you get overwhelmed), you've got no juice left to continue the race.

Then you feel like a failure and give up altogether, 'cause "What's the point of trying? I'm going to mess up anyway."

Where do you go from here? Continue reading in the blog in stories:

Link in Bio > Blog > "What's Your New Year's Intention?"

https://www.olivemecounseling.com/blog/intentions

Play is a NECESSITY in life and especially when it comes to vulnerability. This is especially important for Enneagram types who are SO SERIOUS - looking at you Enneagram 1s, 4s, and 5s and Self-Preservation instinct dominant folx!

I got *yet another* stuffed animal for myself bc there's always more room for more snuggles. My inner 5 year old LOVES IT ❤️

How can you introduce more PLAY into this week? Do share!👇

You probably know the bucket list—it’s that list of things you want to do before you “kick the bucket.”

We’re all familiar with it, but most people don’t check off their bucket list items. Those goals are FAR-OFF, UNCLEAR, DISTANT, or NOT ACTIONABLE—all factors that make it hard to take action and make changes.

Bucket lists aren’t very helpful because they’re based in a DISTANT future—so distant that we might not have any intention to take the necessary steps to attain these things.

Instead, the REVERSE bucket list goes in the other direction. While the bucket list points to the future, the reverse bucket list points to the PAST up into the present. It helps us RECOGNIZE our past achievements and moments we are proud of so we can notice changes.

When we work on acknowledging small change, it helps us appreciate and reinforce our forward movement, even when life feels at a standstill.

Learn how to use the Reverse Bucket List here:

Link in bio > Blogs > "Reverse Bucket List: Recording Wins to Build Momentum"

https://www.olivemecounseling.com/blog/reverse-bucket-list

This is one of the things I’m most thankful for this year: a map of my autopilot patterns of thinking, feeling, and doing.

The Enneagram doesn’t say who I am. I am NOT my Type 4 autopilot. I am MORE than that, but Type 4 is where I’ve gotten STUCK. The very cage that kept me safe before was cutting into my skin because I outgrew it a long time ago. It was time to come out, stretch my wings, and FLY like I was always meant to. I’ve loosened the hold that the Type 4 ego has on me. Rather than using suffering as a security blanket, I’ve opened myself up to RECEIVE LIFE at its fullest. Instead of spinning in shame, thinking that I’m irredeemably broken, I’ve connected to the truth that yes I’m human in my flaws AND goodness, JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. I feel so FREE, OPEN, FULL, ALIVE, and WHOLE. And this is just from 5 years of knowing and using the Enneagram to WAKE UP from my Type 4 slumber.

This book is a permanent shelfer and what I read at least once a quarter (each type’s chapter is only 20-25 pages).

https://amzn.to/3TnlQjg

Everyone has general traits of autopilot reactive patterns that they exhibit consistently over time.

Oftentimes, these traits can indicate whether a person is generally safe or unsafe. Unfortunately, not everyone is good to stay connected with for extended periods of time. It’s important for us to understand who we are making relationships with as we consider our own health and well-being.

Healthy relationships involve there being enough space for BOTH parties to be themselves. Each person is unique and worthy; therefore, each person gets to have their own values, likes/dislikes, opinions, power, responsibility, and decisions.

It’s totally possible for two parties to DIFFER and have that NOT mean that the relationship is falling apart. DIFFERENCE ≠ DISCONNECTION. Unhealthy relationships say that there’s only space for ONE of you, not both. When that’s the case, each of you HAVE to be the same OR ELSE…

Instead, DIFFERENCE = DEEPER CONNECTION, because y’all are loving each other for who each of you actually are, rather than seeing the other as an extension of oneself.

The goal is to cultivate relationships where BOTH people matter, NOT just one OR the other. You matter JUST AS MUCH AS the other person, and vice versa.

What would it be like to have relationships like THAT?

Read more about connecting with safe people here:

Link in bio > Blogs > "Connecting with Safe People"

https://www.olivemecounseling.com/blog/safepeople

Our attachment figures (parents, partners, children) make such a strong influence on how we see the world, take in experiences, and engage life and relationships.

Our bodies are geared to hyperfocus on these relationships as central guidelines for how to live and love. In a culture that highlights the "self-made person," it's all too easy to dismiss how we, too, are INFLUENCED, not just INFLUENCING.

Our past relationship with our parents influence our relationship with partners (and peers) in the present, shaping the ways we relate to our our children (conceived or chosen) in the future.

Our core beliefs about ourselves, others, the world, and life itself are colored by what happens in these core connections:

🔹 Do I matter? Do others matter? Do some matter more/less than others?

🔹 Am I safe? Is the world safe?

🔹 What happens if I succeed? Fail?

🔹 What is power? How do I use it? What happens if it's misused?

🔹 What do I do with pain?

🔹 Who am I? What is my life's mission?

You may not have had much of a choice in how your connection with your parents would be, but it is NOT TOO LATE for you to work on the relationships you have in the present and thereby future.

What kind of person/partner/peer/parent do you want to be? What is one small thing you can do TODAY to move 1% closer to that?

For more on personal growth, see here:

https://www.olivemecounseling.com/personal-growth

When our stress levels get past a certain point, the prefrontal cortex (the part of our brain behind our forehead that makes wise, sound decisions to help us function in life) actually shuts down. In this space, we are more likely to make reactive decisions that often make things worse, not better.

Best intentions won’t play out the way we want until we can soothe our nervous system, reduce our stress levels, and turn the prefrontal cortex back online.

When we are in different states of stress, we tend to exhibit familiar patterns of thinking, feeling, and doing. (Our Enneagram types tell us what these reactive patterns look like.)

Sometimes we might not realize how stressed we are until we see some of these signs.

Prepare for war during times of peace, not times of war! Plan ahead what you can do to take care of yourself while your prefrontal cortex is active, because when stress levels strike, you’re not going to be able to do that effectively.

The React or Respond Chart is a tool to learn more about your autopilot habits and to preplan some self-care steps.

Learn how to use the React or Respond Chart here: Link in bio > Blogs > "Reducing Stress with the React or Respond Chart"

https://www.intelligentemotions.com/blog/react-or-respond-chart-emotional-equilibrium

Ever have BIG Feelings that totally TAKE OVER, ruining important moments or derailing your goals because they show up at the

⏰ WRONG TIME,

🏢 WRONG PLACE, or

🌋WRONG WAYS?

Add this FREE PDF guide in your back pocket so that you can easily:

🧶 Untangle jumbled feelings

🕰️ Buy yourself time

⚖️ Keep your balance

🔴🔵⚫️ Work with the 3 BIG feelings of MAD, SAD, SCARED

Super easy - grab it in the link in bio!

www.intelligentemotions.com/firstaidkit

LOTS of my clients have so much to juggle! From working moms, single parents, full-time workers, ministry leaders, and more, attending to all of these responsibilities is HARD, especially for people who serve as the main pillars of their home and supporting the whole family. It can be so so easy to forget yourself in the midst of all the hurry.

In times of crisis, juggling responsibilities can be even harder. A crisis can be any drastic change to stress levels, such as a death in the family, a new baby, loss of a job, putting more on your plate. When we encounter a crisis, we MUST switch gears on how we operate. We can’t keep running at the same speed while taking on more tasks and making more adjustments.

If you try to juggle all the balls, you WILL drop some (or most). Decide which ones you could afford to drop before the juggling decides FOR you.

Discerning whether a ball is made of RUBBER, GLASS, or WOOD is key.

Rubber balls are tasks or aspects that DO matter, but they have some resilience/sturdiness or are able to be outsourced. Even if you drop these, they’ll bounce back and be fine.

Glass balls are tasks that really matter and will NOT bounce back if dropped; they are not resilient and sturdy, and they are irreplaceable.

Wood balls are neither important NOR urgent. They’re just CLUTTER - things that got thrown into your juggle cycle because you couldn’t pay attention to what it was and didn’t screen for it.

Learn how to distinguish the three types of balls you may be juggling here:

Link in bio > Blogs > "Juggling Too Many Balls? Which to Keep and Which to Drop"

https://www.olivemecounseling.com/blog/juggling

Have you ever noticed where your eyes go when you’re thinking about something painful? Joyful? Sad? You may have seen people stare off into space, deeply reflecting on something. They're not really looking AT anything, but just off into the distance in that direction. That may be an example of Brainspotting (specifically called gazespotting), which is a way by which the body is trying to process through a memory and the emotions and thoughts related to it.

When we see others doing this, we often wonder, "Are they okay?" and shake them out of it. Sometimes, we might be hurt or offended and say "Are you listening to me?" because it seems like they're not (to be fair, they probably aren't, so it's okay for you to feel hurt). In shaking the person, they might be able to "come back" to present reality to engage whatever is in front of them (i.e., continue the conversation, work, drive).

However, THAT they're doing it isn't bad per se. THAT they're often in a daze or daydreaming might indicate that their body is needing an intentional regular space to sort through their internal experiences. The issue is they might be doing it at inappropriate times (e.g., in the middle of work) or that they might get stuck doing it by themselves (e.g., they become intensely triggered, unable to soothe themselves).

They're probably needing someone to serve as an anchor for them as they're doing a deep dive into their unconscious. They need someone who's trained to be attuned to them and pull them out of processing when it's time. Brainspotting therapy would be a great resource for them.⠀

Want to learn more?

Link in bio > Therapy > Brainspotting Therapy

https://www.olivemecounseling.com/brainspotting

People who tend to follow me are those who are very empathic, conscientious, and responsible. Y'all tend to have a very easy time tuning into others' experiences, emotions, and pain so much so that you might forget about your own (or downright repress/suppress it).

Hence, the idea of being proud of yourself might stir up feelings of anxiety, guilt, and shame. It's what you might have been conditioned to do to navigate and to survive your early life experiences and relationships, when you were actually powerless and vulnerable.

Here's the thing - you're not in that same space anymore, so you don't need the same kinda coping anymore.

Even if you're still in contact with the same family members, your relative power and positions have changed. You're not the same helpless little child who must depend on the parent for safety, shelter, and resources.

Here's a trick in practicing being proud of yourself. Let's say that your closest friend did what YOU did - what would you feel towards THEM? Notice if there's a discrepancy.

How can you apply the same sentiment towards yourself?

If you're willing to judge or dismiss yourself for this past year, then you better also do it to your favorite person. At least be consistent and fair.

Leave a comment below - tell me one thing you (are/will practice being) proud of yourself for this past year? ❤️

What if what seems like NONSENSE to you actually MAKES SENSE if seen through different eyes? 👀

All of us have our respective biases in the ways we experience and react to life.

Here's what's TRUE of all of us:
(1) All of us have colored lenses (Enneagram type) 🌈
(2) Each lens has a specific color that amplify some details and dampen others (type biases) 😶‍🌫️

Some things will stand out so obviously to you that you get frustrated that others don't notice or value it the same way.

Around other things, YOU will be the one missing or devaluing what your loved ones find so important.

Here's what's POSSIBLE for us:

(3) We can put down our lenses (self-awareness) 👓

(4) We can put on other lenses (empathy) 🥰

What would your life and relationships be like if you could see life for ALL that it could be, not just stuck to YOUR perspective?

This book highlights each Enneagram type's focus of attention and how relationship combinations between types play out.

Wanna find out how to nurture your relationships with loved ones? Grab yourself a copy!

https://amzn.to/3TUzlpr

When you are feeling overwhelmed and emotions, and NUMBNESS / CHECKING OUT is the only way to keep sane, grounding techniques like the Five Senses Method can regulate your nervous system and help you stay in the present and focused to do whatever you need to do.

(This is especially useful for those who tend to disconnect from their bodies - Enneagram 4s, 5s, and those who are Social dominant.)

The next time you feel frazzled or foggy, ask yourself, "What are..."

👀 5 things I see
👇 4 things I touch (temperature, pressure, texture, etc.)
🦻 3 things I hear
👃 2 things I smell
👅 1 thing I taste - if nothing, pop a mint!

Read more about how to ground in times of overwhelm:

Link in bio > Blogs > "How to Ground in Uncertain Times"

https://www.olivemecounseling.com/blog/grounding-anxiety

BIGGER isn’t always BETTER; MORE doesn’t automatically FULFILL.

How will you have sheer indulgent relaxation and blissful laziness, the enjoyment of idleness this weekend?

(Looking at you, Enneagram 1s, 3s, 7s, 8s, and Self-pres folks!)

I live in a country that values independence to the point of even having a holiday for it. Rugged individualism, bootstrapping mentality, and strength without vulnerability are the treasured values here in the United States, especially in the Silicon Valley.

Those who can’t do things for themselves are seen as weak, lesser, and immature. It’s as if it’s a crime to even have needs, let alone share them with others. (Hello Enneagram 1s, 3s, 4SP, 5s, 8s...)

This is NOT independence, but really COUNTERdependence - being averse to needing others.

Independence and dependence are neutral; they are neither inherently good or bad, but both are essential aspects of being human.

There are some things we ought to do for ourselves, some things we ought to do for each other, and some things where it doesn’t really matter who does it, as long as it’s done.

Every human being is worthy of living in a smooth rhythm between dependence and independence. No one is better or worse than another.

We are all equally capable of doing things for ourselves and others, and we are all worthy of being carried by others.

We all need and deserve to be interdependent.

Read more about how to move towards interdependence here:

Link in bio > Blogs > "So hard to ask for help..."

https://www.olivemecounseling.com/blog/help

Have you ever noticed where your eyes go when you’re thinking about something painful? Joyful? Sad?

🔹 For me, when I’m reflecting on a past event that’s tinged with sadness, my eyes tend to look to my bottom left.

🔸 When I’m excited or angry and ready to engage something head on, I tend to look to the dead-center.

🔹 When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I tend to stare off into the distance to my top left.

Brainspots are the eye positions that give you more direct access to the emotions/body sensations (for better or for worse). When processing through a particular event (e.g., the death of my pet), my Brainspot can change locations depending on what specifically I am sorting through in that particular moment (i.e., I should have spent more time with my cat, I miss her, what would things be like now? She’s not in pain anymore, so she’s okay now).

Once I find a Brainspot and allow myself to just notice whatever thoughts, emotions, body sensations to come and go, eventually the emotional charge will dissipate because I will have fully processed it.

(Mind you, I am better practiced in Brainspotting, so you might not be able to easily do this by yourself.)

Intentionally noticing where our eyes go when we’re reflecting on something (vs. accidentally finding ourselves doing so) and dedicating focused attention on it until we fully process that experience is what Brainspotting Therapy is about.

Read more about how Brainspotting works here: Link in bio> Blogs> "How Does Brainspotting Work?"

https://www.olivemecounseling.com/blog/how-brainspotting

All relationships involve pain and conflict. No one is immune. However, the goal of healthy relationships is not to AVOID fighting, but to fight FOR safety and trust TO connect.

When things get tough, don't give up. Slow down, do self-care, and explore what may be interfering with your ability to connect with those whom you deeply love.

Earlier this week, I mentioned "The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse," four signs of an eroding relationship. Left unattended, these four horsemen destroy relationships. Attempts to self-preserve lead to other-attack, triggering an ongoing destructive cycle.

There is a way to reverse the cycle towards mutual care, compassion, and connection. Through what John Gottman calls the "Four Antidotes," the relationship can eliminate the toxic effects of the horsemen and foster genuine EMPATHY, or the ability to be deeply connected to another while remaining fully oneself.

Find out which Antidotes match your go-to Horseman!

Link in bio > Blogs > "The Four Antidotes: Healer of Relationships"

https://www.olivemecounseling.com/blog/antidotes

Wanting to try a type of therapy that can heal matters of the heart more readily?

You may have seen people stare off blankly into space, deeply reflecting on something or being emotionally detached from what’s happening around them. They're not really looking AT anything, in particular but just off into the distance in that general direction.

Their eyes are directed outward, but their focus is directed inward. That may be an example of Brainspotting (specifically called gazespotting), which is a way by which the body is attempting to process through a memory with the emotions and thoughts related to it.

Brainspotting (BSP) is a brain-based processing method that taps into the body’s natural ability to heal itself from overwhelming or stressful experiences that often generate symptoms like anxiety, depression, hypervigilance, and overreactivity. It does so by finding the specific eye positions that directly connect to where unprocessed stress is stored in the brain so that the body can “detox”.

Brainspotting directly accesses our “lower brain” where emotionally charged experiences are stored, far out of reach of the thinking “higher brain.” By doing so, we can process them more deeply and rapidly than we might with traditional talk therapy or with reading books, listening to podcasts, and learning useful skills.

Learn more by grabbing your copy from the creator of Brainspotting, David Grand!

https://amzn.to/3Tffbrx

Conflict is a normal part of even the healthiest relationships. It’s the way that two completely different human beings, with their own respective perspectives, experiences, and values, create enough room in the relationship for the both of them to belong and be loved.

That there IS conflict is NOT an issue by itself. However, the WAY two people fight can make or break the bond.

Is there room in your relationship where both of you deeply KNOW that YOU MATTER, even though you feel or think differently?

Or do you consistently feel misunderstood, unheard, disrespected, and unloved?

If your interactions with your loved one consistently lead to more disconnection than connection, it might be because of "The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse," whose persistent presence signal the end times for the relationship.

Find out which of the Four Horsemen you (accidentally) tend to summon here:

Link in bio > Blogs > "The Four Horsemen: Destroyer of Relationships"

https://www.olivemecounseling.com/blog/horsemen

Working my way out of my major RBF since I was 5. How am I doing so far? 😬😁

This is what working the full range of your feelings does. Check out for some tips to help you reconcile your relationship with your feelings Heart Center! 💕

Many of the people I work with (myself included) have trouble being assertive in relationships. We tend to focus our connections on empathy and meeting the needs of others, but that focus on the other OVER the self can really impact the relationship and yourself.

Such relationships cultivate resentment and lead to easy burnout. ASSERTIVENESS is a tool for building BALANCED relationships where both YOU and OTHERS matter.

Learn two quick tips to help you begin to practice assertiveness here:

Link in bio > Blogs > "Two Quick Tips to Be Assertive"

https://www.olivemecounseling.com/blog/assertive

The May Talk Series for Midlife Women is starting!!

I talk with "Midlife Courage Coach" Sheree Clark about how to break through the emotional buildup that's clogging up our nervous system. 🧠

(This is key for us to loosen the hold that our Enneagram types have on us so we can live a life of vibrant freedom!)

This free series involves super short convos (~20ish minutes) by a bunch of guest experts on a range of topics such as:

🔸 Eating Joyfully
🔹 Get Better Sleep
🔸 Managing Chronic Illness
🔹 Healing After Loss
🔸 Abusive Relationship Recovery
🔹 Money Empowerment
🔸 Aging Reimagined

If you're 45+ and need a fresh infusion of vitality in your life & relationships, register in my link in bio!

https://pg605.isrefer.com/go/mts2024/jkim/

Every time we go through any major life event (positive or negative), it's good to check in with the nature of our current connections.

Sometimes we find out through life experience that our connections maybe aren't as sustainable as we might think of them to be. With some people, we may not actually be as close to as we would like.

Instead of constantly putting yourself out there and then feeling disappointed, or hurt, or realizing that your relationships are super imbalanced, it's good to do a check-in every now and then. Ask yourself,

"Is my connection with someone able to sustain the level of intimacy as I would like?"

There are many different kinds of friendships. It's not a matter of
❌ “Yes, I have friends” or

❌ “No, I don’t have friends,” but

⭕️ “What kind of friends do I have?”

Learn how to check-in with your relationships with the concentric circles of connection here:

Link in bio > Blogs > "Concentric Circles of Connection"

https://www.olivemecounseling.com/blog/concentric