Inviterra Counseling

A journey towards growth.

I think part of our journey, and part of my journey as a Two, is even getting to know what that richness is and what that tug feels like. Because Twos are so, and I have classically been, so numb to my own internal experience or not aware of it. As I'm getting to know the personality and becoming more aware of why I do what I do, what I do, and how I do it and going more and more internal, it's getting to know what that tug and what that richness actually is. Because if you had said that to me a year and a half ago, I don't think I would have even conceptually been able to understand what that meant.

Read more about my journey towards growth through my conversation with Jordan Leigh on the podcast Something Worth Saying using the link in my bio > Inviterra Counseling > Blog > A Brave and Vulnerable Conversation (Part II)

Here’s the reality about getting rid of your resentment: the power to deal with it is entirely within your control. “But Melinda!” you might be thinking, “I’m resentful because other people aren’t being thoughtful or attuned to my needs. The way to stop my resentment is for other people to do better.” I get it. It’s so tempting to blame other people for our resentment. But the truth? In order to get rid of resentment, we need to take responsibility for setting our own boundaries and advocate on our own behalf. It is my responsibility to clearly set my own boundaries and follow through with consequences should those boundaries be disrespected. It is my responsibility to self reflect and then clearly communicate my expectations and needs to others. It is my responsibility to take care of myself.

So, when you start to feel resentment creeping in, take it as a sign that you’re doing the three things I’ve outlined above. Use it as an opportunity to ask yourself these questions these and then do something about it:

Do I really want to do _____?

Do I have the energy and resources to do ____?

How much time/energy am I willing/able to expend on doing ____?

If I do ____ and it goes completely unacknowledged, how will I feel?

Am I expecting something in return if I do ___?

If yes to #5, what am I expecting the other to do/say? Is this expectation realistic? If so, have I clearly communicated this expectation?

How will I stop overfunctioning if my expectations are unable to be met?

Is there something I need to be doing for myself with this energy/time instead?

Am I ignoring my own boundaries? How can I pull back to what feels healthy?

Are others crossing my boundaries? What do I need to do to protect myself?

What do I need to stop or start doing in order to take care of myself right now?

Remember: resentment can be a gift. We can use resentment as an invitation to pause and reflect on our behaviors, boundaries, and expectations of ourselves and of others.

Read more about all things resentment using the link in my bio > Inviterra Counseling > Blog > How To Deal With Resentment

I think that in some ways, trauma can amplify the coping styles and the coping mechanisms of every personality type, of every nine types, every one of the nine types, right? And so some of the things that we lean on in order to get through the world can be leaned on extra or employed in order to deal with the after effects of trauma or the effects of trauma.

So again, as a two I'm going to be very pleasing in the world. My personality structure is such that like you to like me. I'm going to create as many positive connections as possible. You know, if you overlay trauma on top of that, it's like, well, I didn't feel very lovable growing up, and so I'm going to over employ this idea of, I'm going to get you to really love me or really like me, so I can get that affirmation that I never felt like Right? And so it is a core type two personality structure thing, but I think that can get either amplified or entrenched, maybe a little bit more if you have trauma, right? Because I think we kind of lean on what we know, and we lean on, you know, we lean on that personality type in order to get what we need in the world, those coping mechanisms that is inextricable.

Listen or read my full discussion with Samantha Mackay about this topic using the link in my bio > Inviterra Counseling > Blog > How do we heal trauma with the Enneagram? Interview with Melinda Olsen

I chatted with Samantha Mackay recently about 4s and how they process feelings. I shared about how they feel a lot of things, but they don't actually process feelings well... They are missing a whole part of the spectrum in feelings, right? The positive feelings. They have all sorts of fears about being in the positive. But also, I think that if you're clinging onto feelings, you're not processing feelings. If you're clinging onto feelings, you're not using feelings for the purpose they were intended. Which is to gather information, understand what's going on with others and self, and then, acting accordingly, like I'm sad, something I lost something that was important to me, okay, I'm going to grieve, I need to grieve, what does that look like? I need to, like feelings help us to understand what we need to do for ourselves in that moment. Right? They're information gathers. And I think if you're constantly in your feelings, you have a hard time, you're not processing feelings.

Listen or read our full conversation using the link in my bio > Inviterra Counseling > Blog > How do we heal trauma with the Enneagram? Interview with Melinda Olsen

On my recent interview with Samantha Mackay we talked about processing trauma and feelings. I wanted to share an excerpt from our discussion regarding who we are in relation to our feelings:

"I am the mountain, I'm not the weather. Like if the feelings are the weather...and 4s identify with their feelings....you are not your feelings, you are the mountain....the weather helps me to understand the conditions on the ground....it's raining, it's sunny, it's blah blah blah, I take this information, but then the weather goes....And the mountain remains."

Read or listen to our full interview using the link in my bio > Inviterra Counseling > Blog > How do we heal trauma with the Enneagram? Interview with Melinda Olsen

How can we heal trauma with the Enneagram? How can we process trauma, both little T trauma and big T trauma? Dive into these topics by listening to or reading my interview with Samantha Mackay on healing trauma with the enneagram.

Access our interview using the link in bio > Inviterra Counseling > Blog > How do we heal trauma with the Enneagram? Interview with Melinda Olsen

Let me say that again, Self-Care IS Necessary !

Over the past two weeks I have shared posts about different types of self-care, and now I am here to share about what is necessary for everyone.

Self care is a necessary part of a healthy, fulfilling life. But so often, and especially lately, people perceive self care as a selfish act.

A lot of the people I serve have this mindset around self care. People raised as hyper-responsible, caregivers, therapists, helpers, supporters, etc., they’re all valued for the help they give and encouraged to to not pay attention to their own care (either implicitly or explicitly).

For many reasons, they push down their own needs and feelings. Instead, they focus their energy externally. OR, they deem their needs and emotions to be too much. Many people I work with have guilt and shame surrounding those needs, which quickly leads to anxiety, burnout, cynicism—you name it.

It becomes hard for people to live the life they want to live. At this point, it’s easier to double or triple up and help other people instead with the thought of, “this will be better.” But it’s not, because they still aren’t in touch with their own needs and emotions. It’s a vicious cycle.

So, how do I think about creating a space with environmental self-care in mind? First, I think about how I want to feel in a given space. For my office, I wanted to feel calm, but energized. I wanted to feel welcomed.

Think about one of your spaces, like a home office or a bedroom. How do you want to feel in that space? Grounded? Inspired? Calm?

Next, I think about what will inspire my desired feeling. I feel welcomed and calmed by nature and beauty. Oceans, trees, candles, natural colors. I look for images that are aesthetically pleasing, of nature, images of natural colors. Things that make me feel welcomed and calm. Then, I build the space around it.

What inspires your desired feeling? This could be as big as new pieces of furniture or as small as lighting a candle while you get ready for bed.

Being mindful of environmental self-care can also just be about noticing when a space feels too cluttered or messy. It might affect you and how you feel in that space. Taking the time to tidy up and de-clutter the space is another important aspect of environmental self-care.

Read more about how I create a space with self-care in mind using the link in my bio > Inviterra Counseling > Blog > Environmental Self-Care

Self Care Wheel

I use this self care wheel reference sheet to help me think about the ways I already practice self care (or areas I can focus on practicing self care). This is something I use with my clients too, and together we brainstorm the possibilities of self care in each aspect of their daily lives.

Get a free template for the self care wheel using the link in my bio > Inviterra Counseling > Blog > What Does Self Care Mean?

What does self care mean?

We might think about self care as taking time for yourself, relaxing in a bubble bath, journaling, etc.—and it certainly can be! But self-care really encompasses every area of our lives. I am constantly reminding myself to think about self-care in each area of my life, not just making a quiet space to look inward.

Read more about what self care can look like for you using the link in my bio > Inviterra Counseling > Blog > What does self care mean?

Enneagram Growth Tips -> Take your enneagram journey to a whole new level

Get a free PDF copy of my "Growth Tips for every Enneagram Type" guide using the link in my bio!

Inviterra Counseling > Enneagram Growth Tips (FREE!)

How to Check in with Yourself: Tertiary Check-In Exercise

Tertiary means three—primary, secondary, tertiary. So, the tertiary check-in has 3 passes. It takes about 5 minutes but can take as long or short as you want.

It works best for me when I try making a habit with the check-ins. Maybe it’s right when I wake up in the morning when I’m sitting with my morning coffee, or as I’m getting into bed. It can work throughout the day—maybe you’re setting alarms as reminders on your phone. As long as you can find a quiet, comfortable spot—that’s all you need.

Learn more about the three passing for checking in on yourself using the link in my bio > Inviterra Counseling > Blog > How to Check in with Yourself: Tertiary Check-In Exercise

Growth work is pretty difficult, even for me. What I often come across is a sense of ambiguity while I’m working on self-development. There’s this idea inside me where different feelings or different parts of myself are saying different things. I tend to get pretty stuck up on the critical part of myself.

My inner critic has a few bad habits. That critical part puts me down or sometimes shouts at me or tells me to do something differently. It questions my actions and feelings. Simply put, my inner critic makes my head spin. I have a hard time shaking her.

Read more about Difficult Emotions in Self-Care Work using the link in my bio > Inviterra Counseling > Blog > Embracing the Inner Critic with Self-Attunement

In the past–in the past 5 years I’ve really been into interior design. Especially design of healing spaces. I feel like I’ve been around a lot of ugly ones and find myself surprised by how much space affects people. Decorating offices spaces was fun! Little did I know how difficult I would find decorating an office space for myself.

Read more about how I create grounding office spaces using the link in my bio > Inviterra Counseling > Blog > Inviterra Office: Inviting Myself into a Grounding Space

As a peacekeeper, it is so easy for me as an Enneagram 9 to go along with everyone one else in order to not stir the pot. It is so easy that I often forget to even stop and ask myself what I want - I tell myself that all I want is for those around me to be comfortable. If they are comfortable and at peace, I am comfortable and at peace.

It’s like that saying, “happy wife - happy life,” except for 9’s it’s more like, “happy partner, family, friends, colleagues, acquaintances, grocer at the supermarket, and guy passing you on the street - happy life.” Just writing that out feels a bit exhausting, but that is how I can tend to spend most of my time if I am not making an effort to tune into my own experience.

Ready more using the link in my bio > Inviterra Counseling > Blog > Life as an Enneagram Type 9

What's life like as an Enneagram 7?

Synthesizing Minds: I've definitely noticed I love making connections about things that may seem unrelated to the naked eye. The interconnectedness of things. I even got an "endless knot" tattoo to symbolize that idea that everything is connected because it genuinely feels like a foundational reality in my life.

Good brainstormers: Brainstorming sessions are my absolute favorite. It's like my brain can go many different ways and I can think of so many different options and scenarios altogether. I'll give you many ideas; just don't ask me to follow through on them or lay out a strategic path to getting to the end goal. That's for Enneagram 1s :)

Preference for having many options: I love keeping my options open and I feel genuine anxiety when I feel like I'm being "trapped" into certain ways of going about things. When I feel like I'm being told what to think or do, I instinctively want to "rebel" against it.

Learn more about enneagram type 7s using the link in my bio > Inviterra Counseling > Blog > Life as an Enneagram 7

WHAT’S IT LIKE TO BE AN ENNEAGRAM TYPE 6?
SKILLED AT PREPARATION AND READINESS IN THE FACE OF THINGS THAT MIGHT GO WRONG: My biggest fear is being unprepared when something goes wrong. There is risk in everything. I can take any scenario and list the risks involved. I can also tell you the good things that are possible, but there are so many things that can go wrong and circumstances can always take a different direction. At home, I ask a lot of “what if’s”. What if we overspend this month? What if someone breaks into the house or it gets burned down? What if our pets get sick or injured?

But I don’t just ask the “what if’s”, I also take a lot of precautions. To help with money management, we use a budgeting app that tells us when we overspend, so we know to spend less the following month. I always triple-check that the doors are locked, the burners on the stove are off, and that the oven is not on. My wife says that I am crazy sometimes. But, on a rare occasion, I catch a door left unlocked, which is exactly why I check all the time. We still haven’t found a solution for pet injuries yet, but we just pray to God that they are safe and don’t get into trouble.

Read more using the link in my bio > Inviterra Counseling > Blog > Life as an Enneagram 6

What is it like to be an enneagram type 4?

ANCHORED INSIDE

Enneagram Type Fours are strongly connected to their rich inner world of emotions and thoughts. The best thing about Fours is that they can be incredibly introspective, thoughtful, and focused on depth and meaning.

This can also be their worst trait, as they can get sucked into themselves to the point of getting disconnected from their outside world. Precisely when they might NEED to be connected to their outside world is when they might self-isolate and get stuck internally.

Learn more using the link in my bio > Inviterra Counseling > Blog > Life as an Enneagram Type 4

3’s are Performers. In my day-to-day, I think through what others may think about if they were on a stage, or getting ready to perform. There’s lots of preparation behind the scenes, lots of practice, and asking yourself: “what would the audience be amazed by?” The only difference is my stage rarely ever goes away. I will perform for strangers, friends, and even for myself; whether I’m with or without people. 3’s are “scanners”- constantly scanning our audience that we want to impress.

Read more about life as an enneagram type 3 using the link in my bio > Inviterra Counseling > Blog > Life as an Enneagram type 3

Living Outside Myself: For me, when I’m on autopilot, being an enneagram 2 is about always being tuned in to the thoughts, feelings, needs, and actions of other people (especially “my people”), and living a life outside of myself without even realizing it.

Needing To Be Loved/Liked: Being an enneagram 2 means being convinced that I know what it takes to get people to like/respect/love me, and that anything generous that I do I’m doing out of my own kindness and generosity. I expend a huge amount of energy outward toward relationships and I spend a lot of energy and focus a huge amount of attention on whether or not people feel positively about me or love me.

The Pride of Having No Needs: I know, I know. I just said that enneagram 2’s have a deep need to be liked/loved. However, being an enneagram 2 also means that my own thoughts, feelings, and needs are locked in a dark room somewhere inside of me that I can’t access let alone navigate without a huge amount of effort. When I’m on autopilot, it’s means I’m not really aware that I have any needs. At the same time I can also be really resentful/angry that others don’t notice or take care of me or my needs (that I don’t understand or acknowledge).

Read more about life as an enneagram 2 using the ink in my bio > Inviterra Counseling > Blog > Life as an Enneagram Type 2

Sometimes we are so focused on ideals that we forget who we were trying to serve in the first place. But Type 1’s can be very caring, even among the most cynical members of our type. We have trouble expressing care on a personal level while we dwell on bigger picture things. (I can recall circumstances where I have chosen to turn off my feelings so I can focus on something I’ve deemed more important than myself.)

“Getting it right” can mean two things. One is maximizing the benefits for all. When things work as they should, life is good. I hate admitting this, but here goes. Getting it right also makes us unassailable. We’re sensitive to criticism, and perfection (falsely) protects us.

Read more about life as an enneagram 1 using the link in my bio > Inviterra Counseling > Blog > Life as an Enneagram Type 1

Movies and television tend to depict therapy the same way, over and over again. Lots of people come away with the idea that therapy involves a couch and a formally-dressed therapist holding a bright yellow legal pad.

And maybe that’s been your experience in the past, too. Those therapists are out there, and that approach can work well for some people.

For others, though, traditional talk therapy can feel overwhelming – even scary.

Maybe you....
- have tried therapy before and had a bad experience.
- are afraid of what other people will think.
- are nervous you’ll be judged or don’t want to open up to a stranger.

Maybe you’re afraid to try therapy for a different reason altogether.

There are lots of reasons you might feel a little bit squidgy about the idea of individual therapy…

But I think there’s a perfect combination of techniques – two in particular – that can make trying therapy a whole lot easier...

Enneagram therapy uses the Enneagram framework to help clients identify the ways in which they subconsciously navigate their environments to get their needs met. Sometimes, we develop unhealthy patterns of behavior that simply stop serving us well over time. Enneagram therapists use the Enneagram tool to guide their clients toward a deeper understanding of their own motivations, resulting in the adoption of healthier patterns.

Put simply, using the Enneagram in therapy can help identify the patterns you engage in most frequently – even if you don’t realize you’re in them!

The second technique I love is called Brainspotting.

Brainspotting Therapy stimulates the part of the brain where memories are stored. A trained therapist can use this technique to help a client work through traumatic experiences, shame or low self-esteem, interpersonal issues, anxiety, and many other challenges.

Why do I love this technique? It uses a really simple premise to get at clients’ sticky points: because the position of our eyes can stimulate the part of our brain where memories are stored, Brainspotting says that where we look can impact how we feel.

Since we can manipulate the position of our own eyes, we can affect our own feelings the same way.

Learn more about how I combine the Enneagram and Brainspotting in therapy on my blog using the link in bio > Inviterra Counseling > Blog > Scared to Try Individual Therapy? Why the Enneagram & Brainspotting Might Be a Great Combo for You

I was recently interviewed by Wesley Masters for her article Which Design Style You Should Try, Based on Your Enneagram on ApartmentGuide.com where I shared which design style I would recommend for Type 2s. Her is what I shared with her:

"[Enneagram Twos] are emotionally driven, relationship-oriented people pleasers who deeply believe they know what others need while knowing very little about their own needs." She recommends these types counteract this innate behavior by curating a space for themselves: "A Two on a growth path should focus on creating spaces that are meant only for themselves, designed around their personal hobbies, passions, and needs. Spaces that reflect personal charm while remaining comforting and cozy are perfect for the nurturing type Two which is why we recommend the cottage design style."

Read more using the link in bio > Inviterra Counseling > Featured In! > Articles & Press > which design style you should try, based on your enneagram

There is an exciting workshop being led by two clinicians in my counseling collective that I wanted to share with you!

“Learn about your attachement style and how it shows up for you in your dating life as well as ways you that you can work to become more secure in Havenly’s next workshop: Dating Wrapped (Pt.1): Attachement Styles.

Josie Suh, LCSW and Morgan Hancock, LMFT are doing a workshop series called Dating Wrapped where you can learn different aspects of dating from a psychological viewpoint. The first part is on Attachement Styles. :)”

To register, go to and use the link in their bio!

"The Enneagram is a system that sorts people into nine personality types based on their core motivations and fears. It helps us understand ourselves and others better by showing how we perceive and react to the world. Unlike other personality tests, it recognizes that we can show traits from different types depending on the situation.

Understanding the Enneagram helps us grasp how personality influences our preferences and behaviors, even in design. By aligning interior design choices with our Enneagram types, we create spaces that reflect our authentic selves. Let's explore expert opinions on what each type needs for spaces to feel like home and what design concept correlates with those needs."

- Wesley Masters in her article "Which Design Style You Should Try, Based on Your Enneagram"

Read more using the link in bio > Inviterra Counseling > Featured In! > Articles & Press > which design style you should try, based on your enneagram

I had the amazing opportunity of being interviewed by Wesley Masters for her new article on apartmentguide.com titled Which Design Style You Should Try, Based on Your Enneagram. In her article she shares about the following: "Understand how to utilize interior design to mirror your personality. Comprehend how your Enneagram aids in crafting spaces that resonate with your inner self. Match Enneagram types with design styles to create environments that cater to our unique needs and nurture our well-being."

Use the link in bio to read more on my thoughts as an Enneagram 2 and why I recommend the Comfy Cottage design style.

Link in bio > Inviterra Counseling > Featured In! > Articles & Press > which design style you should try, based on your enneagram.

An Excerpt from my interview with La Shanda Sugg on the Labors of Love Podcast:

La Shanda: Of so many things, but specifically, I'll talk about you, the biracial femme, right? There's so much fetishizing around your identity from my perspective. So, I'm wondering if I'm hitting something, if I'm on target by saying not only is there this personal exploration about what does this mean, but the way that maybe fully embraced by neither identity, yet there's this subculture, if you will, who will look at you and make you a center of their attraction. Honestly, not wanting any of your identity, but just liking the way you look and how you present. Have you had experiences with that?

Melinda: Yeah, but actually this is where we come right back around to the Enneagram. Because I think my personality played into that. I think that while I've been objectified, I've also objectified myself and laid myself out as an object for others to consume. Because if they like me, if they “love”, then what does it matter?

La Shanda: I need us to pause right there. Because that hit, I don't know, my solar plexus, that hits something. So relatable. So, bringing it back to Enneagram, we'll say, okay, wrapped up in my Two-ness, wrapped up in my child of trauma survivor, which included s*xual abuse that opened my awareness to my body and s*x before my body was ready and prepared to be opened. But the interesting thing is, there are certain parts of my identity that for, let's say the general culture wasn't fetishizable, and how many times I wanted to be objectified. I was like see me as an object as long as you see me. The thought of someone looking past me at someone else hurt so much that even if they were only looking at me to objectify me, I would have welcomed it. I don't think we talk about that enough.

Read or listen to more on my blog: Link in bio > Inviterra Counseling Website > Blogs > Unboxing: Finding Your Authentic Self

What is resentment?

Here’s what I’ve discovered (and I tell my clients). Resentment is that simmering feeling of anger you get inside when someone hasn’t fulfilled the expectations (either stated or not) that you have of them. For me, the internal signs of resentment sound like this: “I killed myself to make this dinner for so-and-so, and so-and-so didn’t even offer to clean up,” or, “I work so hard to be nice to these family members, to acknowledge their important dates and significant events, and they don’t even bother to include me in such-and-such parts of their lives.”

Often we blame our feeling of resentment on the other person (or people) who haven’t done the things that we feel that we are owed. But here’s the other thing I tell my clients (and myself) about resentment:

Resentment is a sign that we have either ignored our own boundaries, or that we need to act ASAP in order to protect and care for ourselves. Ultimately, you are the only person who can deal with your resentment.

Read more about how to deal with resentment on my blog: Link in bio > Inviterra Counseling Website > Blogs > How to Deal with Resentment

As you may know, finding your true enneagram type is only the beginning of the process. Every type and subtype has a set of tasks and challenges to engage in in order to grow. The goal isn’t box ourselves into a type, but rather to eventually grow BEYOND our type’s automatic behaviors, patterns, and ways of looking at the world (and ourselves). As an Enneagram therapist and student, I have seen a near universal truth for those engaging in the transformational challenge of Enneagram growth:

IT. SUCKS.

Read more about how to know your Enneagram type on my blog: Link in bio > blogs > One Surefire Way to *Know* Your Enneagram Type

When I was interviewed by La Shanda Sugg on the podcast Labors of Love Podcast, we decided to start with a refresher and we broke down what the Enneagram really is, let's take a look and what we shared:

"So, at its most basic, the Enneagram is a personality descriptor. Nine personality Types. Nine different constellations of showing up in the world or ways to show up in the world. Get a little deeper and those nine different ways of showing up in the world really come out as coping mechanisms that we needed to take on in order to survive, in order to get what we needed. It shapes our needs; it shapes what we feel like we need in the world and ways that we get them. So, that's one layer deeper. Then when you get to much more depth in the Enneagram it can also show us a way to get out of this box that we had to place ourselves in. That personality, that ego, to get out of that, to become aware of the ways that we trap ourselves, and then ultimately find a way out so we understand who we really are."

- Melinda

Read more about the Enneagram here: Link in bio > blogs > Unboxing: Finding Your Authentic Self